Featured topic: MISUNDERSTANDINGS

Let’s get to your questions ….

We have a friend named ‘Jake’ and he is a great guy and a hard worker and he loves his kids. But when he gets drunk, he’s totally a different person. He talks a lot as it is, but when he is drunk, it is non-stop. He gets angry and violent and we usually end up having to either choke or knock him out to get him to stop. We have showed him videos of himself when he is like that and we have talked to him while sober and while drunk and its as if his level of misunderstanding is beyond the typical. The question is: is he misunderstaning the fact that we are trying to help him? Or is he just not listening? He also does get it when we don’t invite him to social functions, he thinks its not fair to leave him out, again is he misunderstaning, or just that stupid?  David

I like this question because it is a true interpersonal COMMUNICATION question. Your friend is not stupid because he is not interacting with himself–he is behaving in relation to someone else (i.e., you or your friends). It is actually more accurate to say that ALL of you are stupid because you are repeating the same pattern of ineffective behavior. Talking to Jake or showing him video of himself afterward isn’t the answer, nor is choking or knocking him out once he’s drunk. The key is to understand how he gets to the point of obnoxious drunk. What part are you and your friends playing in this dynamic? Are you guys inviting him to social functions where the alcohol is flowing? Does someone hand him a beer or show him the bar when he arrives? Are you telling him not to get drunk or act like an asshole when YOU are half drunk and talking loud? Do you laugh at some of the stuff he does while he’s buzzed but not drunk? The point I’m trying to make is, what is the pattern of behavior or talk that leads to “Jake the Obnoxious Drunk,” and what can you do to break this pattern? You said that he gets it when you don’t invite him to social functions. Fine–try inviting him to parties where NO alcohol is served. Let him get a feel for having fun without alcohol. But don’t treat this as a quick fix. Don’t think that Jake being good at a no alcohol party means you can reward him with an invite to a party where alcohol is served. If alcohol is the trigger to bad behavior, you must be willing to exclude it from ALL social functions with Jake FOREVER.  Dr. K

Featured topic: STALKING 2

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,

One of the issues with ORI that I find most interesting is where the line should be drawn between persistence and obsession. One of my friends, let’s call him George, illustrates the potential problem. He has been pursuing a woman for over a year now, and shows no sign of losing interest despite her dating other guys. None of her relationships last very long, never more than a couple of months, and when she isn’t dating someone else she does flirt with George quite a bit. When she is dating another man, George acts jealous and he gets annoying rather quickly. He does stupid things like call her all day long to find out where she is or if she’s with the “other guy”, he gives her gifts (usually with a sappy card talking about how much he loves her even if she doesn’t love him back), sometimes he even follows her so that he can ‘accidentally’ bump into her while she’s out.

I’ve tried telling him that his behavior is creepy and borderline, if not outright, stalking at times, but he insists it’s just him “not giving up on her”. He doesn’t act this way when she’s single, but she pays more attention to him then… it’s only when she has another guy that she tells George to leave her alone. I’ve even tried telling him (and so have others) that he bothers her (in the long run) and that she’s just using him as a stand-in sort of boyfriend when she doesn’t have someone she likes better, but he’s still convinced that she’s just playing hard to get.

So does this situation still count as an example of ORI? She definitely has told him to cool it, even if she’s more receptive at other times, so it seems to me he should just stop his pursuit entirely. Or is he right that this is somehow the makings of a romantic, ‘tell the grandkids someday’, story of how he never gave up on ‘true love’?  Chrisey

Chrisey
The criterion for stalking generally lies with the victim–does she feel that George is intruding on her privacy? Given the hot and cold nature of her interactions with George, it would seem as though she sees him as more persistent than a stalker. Additionally, George behaves more like an unrequited lover than a stalker. His pursuit tactics seem constant rather than escalating and he sounds emotionally hopeful rather than angry or theatening. Stalkers tend to ‘imagine’ encouragement from their victims–they read acknowledgements of love into every positive or negative encounter with their victims. George isn’t imagining encouragement; he’s getting it from his lady friend. If doing what he’s doing gets her some of the time, it’s reasonable for him to assume trying harder will get her fulltime. I agree with you, she’s using him as her cuddle bitch. When he grows tired of playing that role, you will discover how much of a stalker he is inclined to be.  Dr. K

Featured topic: UNREQUITED LOVE

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr K,

I understand the relationship in which there is a would-be lover and a rejector. But in the situation where there is a married man, and single woman who equally like/love each other, is it still unrequited love? If so how? The married man is not technically a rejector per the books definition because he likes/loves the woman just as much.  Ashley

Ashley
Definitions are not taffy, but I think that an affair with a married man could be considered as unrequited love because it is a situation in which one person wants a romantic relationship but the other cannot commit to it by choice or circumstance. Mutual feelings of love notwithstanding, technically Mr. Married Man is still the rejector because he cannot commit to his lover until he gets a divorce. When most people think of unrequited love, they think of someone secretly pining away for another. A better description of the dynamic would be someone quietly managing his/her uncertainty about a romantic relationship with another person. That is, someone who knows what to do to win the heart of the object of her/his affection, but will not accept the futility of those efforts. Mistresses by definition are ladies in waiting. Waiting for Mr. Married Man to call. Waiting for Mr. Married Man to break off an hour of personal time for dinner with her in some out of the way location. Waiting for Mr. Married Man to get his finances in order, or his children out of the house, or his parents to die, or the sky to fall so that he can get a divorce and the two of them can be together forever. She knows what to do to keep Mr. Marred Man happy, but she won’t accept that he’s just stringing her along. Unrequited lovers are content to settle for what they can get relationally rather than pursue what they deserve.  Dr. K

Featured topic: CODEPENDENCE

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,

One of my closest friends is dating a man who has major depression. When they first met, he was happy and everything went smoothly for the first 6 months or so. After a while he became despondent and did not see any joy in life. She loves him so much but he refuses to take any medication or seek counseling for his depression. He does not think he has a problem and sees this as a normal reaction to his problems. She does not see any real reason for his depression. This has been going on for about six months. She wants to help him. He has even threatened suicide. She is worried and does not want to see him sent to an institution. He does not have any health insurance. His depression seems to be taking over her life as well. She does not want to leave him at this low point. How can she show she cares for him and not become/stay entangled in a codependent relationship?  Shannon

Shannon
Your friend has an interesting problem. She wants to help someone who does not seem to think he needs it. Because he has not sought treatment, I’m wondering if he’s really “clinically depressed” or just a negative person who faked happiness for 6 months. At this point, I don’t think your friend is in danger of becoming codependent because her boyfriend isn’t acting “needy.” That is, he doesn’t seem to be acting less depressed when she’s nice to him or more depressed when she’s not paying attention to him. Your friend needs to realize that she cannot “fix” her boyfriend–she cannot control his depression with her behavior and should not try. Her job is to encourage him to get help (free mental heathcare is available) and not let his negativity rub off on her. Hanging out with negative people WILL make you less happy.  Dr. K

Featured topic: BRAIN TEASERS

There were no questions this week so I decided to post this overlooked goodie from my archives.

TAKE THE IDIOT TEST

It’s ALOT of fun!!!!!

Featured topic: GOSSIP

Let’s get to your questions ….

What is the difference between telling a secret and gossip?  Just curious

Good question, Just curious. Most people think of gossip as telling something bad about another person. But that’s not necessarily true–you can gossip about good news as well. Both are violations of privacy, and both can result in feelings of betrayal. The main difference between the two is the teller’s right to share that information. Secrets are negotiated. X tells Y information while establishing terms for any subsequent telling of that information. No such agreement exists for gossip. Thus, A may be upset with B if she discovers that B is gossiping about her. But, X will be more angry with Y for telling the secret because both agreed that the information would not be shared.  Dr. K

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Funny New Year Resolutions

Check out these funny and innovative New Year’s Resolutions! Enjoy these and make some for yourself…Surely you will enjoy!!

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.
I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly….
I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mails to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than “password.”
I will not tell the same story at every get together.
I won’t worry so much.
I will cut my hair.
I will grow my hair.
I will stop considering other people’s feelings when they so obviously don’t consider mine – if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I’ll tell him he stinks!
I will be more imaginative.
I will not hang around girls – they think you love them and that sucks.
I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

The holiday season is not a time to give advice to communication problems. It’s a time to celebrate. So let’s do ….

12 Days of Christmas, The 1990s

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note.)
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
ONE — Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Featured topic: MEAT AND BREAD

Let’s get to your questions ….

Sooo.. Dr. K
I am recently single and one of the girls I work with (my manager) has always had a thing for me (even before becoming my manager), so the other night, slightly drunk we had sex and she even clarified that we are friends. The sex continued for a few days because we were both just “down” …so… she left for the mountains for a couple days and another girl that I work with was coming on strong and in “the weakness of man” took her on a date, sealed the deal, and ended up sleeping with her and we have been having sex the past couple of days and everything is cool.. UNTIL the manager comes back today and found out that I have been sleeping with one of the other employees because of this girl AKA “that girl” AKA dumb random bitch that talks about everyone’s business behind their backs and is liked by nobody.. told the manager that she had seen the girl leave with me after work one night. SO manager texts me last night and is like ” we are done” “im tired of these stupid games” this morning i get the apology text and then she says” I just don’t understand you” “where is your head at”…. OBVIOUSLY im the dumbass that had sex with the woman that makes my schedule and dictates everything.. BAD DECISION.. but it has been made.. Soo.. I like the new girl.. thought it was “just sex” with the manager. WHY CANT IT EVER BE JUST SEX?? anyways How do i deal with my manager to keep things cool? FML and HELLLP!!  Dumbass dude

Dumbass dude,
If I’ve said it once, I’ve saiid it a thousand times–don’t get your meat where you make your bread. It can’t “just be sex” because people who “have a thing for you” don’t “just have sex” with you. I bet your manager gave you the friend line after you two had sex. If so, she did it so that she could ask for a repeat session and you would not get weirded out–or worse, claim sexual harassment. That’s why she sent you the apology text also. You need to come clean with both women. Tell the manager that you thought it was “just sex” and want to move on with the new girl. Then tell the new girl that you slept with the manager but that’s over and you want to move on with her. After you do this, DO NOT flirt or act overly friendly with the manager. Over means over–don’t give AKA “that girl” something to cause confusion about. Also, DON’T flaunt your new relationship in front of your manager. That’s just mean. And if she retaliated, you’d deserve it.  Dr. K

Featured topic: STALKING

Let’s get to your questions ….

I have a friend, Kristi, who is one of the nicest and most kind hearted people, but because of her insecurities she ends up in relationships where she wants way more than they do, way too quickly. She cannot let go even if they tell her point blank that they don’t want to be with her anymore. She will persist until she gets a reaction that makes her even more upset. She calls multiple times a night, until they change their phone numbers or block her number. She does drive-by’s near their houses, work places and most recently confronted an ex and his new girlfriend at cracker barrel. She shows up at their front door crying and begging to be taken back, pushing these guys further and further away. She has even done drive by’s of an ex’s wedding almost three years after they broke up. How can I tell her that she doesn’t need to act like the crazy psycho ex girlfriend that everyone dreads having? How can she have a happier ending without the dramatics? She is better than this stereotype and needs to learn that she can be happy as an individual after a breakup without the stalking behaviors.  L

L, I think that Kristi is in serious need of professional help. But you know that. The problem is, Kristi doesn’t. The first step to fixing a problem is to recognize that you have one. Kristi seems to have attachment issues–she acts like “being a couple” is the only way that she can feel whole when in reality she just feels more secure belonging to someone. Her behavior indicates that she thinks interaction (no matter how negative) beyond the break up means that she is still in a gf/bf relationship. I bet she makes excuses for the polite rebuffs and casts herself as the victim when the rejection is far less ambiguous. I bet that she stalks an ex until she meets a new guy. If that is the case, Kristi needs to spend some time alone. REALLY ALONE. That means, spending time with herself, friends and/or family NOT stalking or contacting an ex or looking for a new guy. She needs to realize that having a bf does not make her a better person and it won’t help her like herself more. She needs to appreciate her positive qualities and the social benefits that they provide for her separate from how they benefit a bf. If you can help her do all of that, she may be in a better position to enjoy bf/gf relationships and accept the eventual break ups.  Dr. K

Featured topic: CHEATING

How do I know if he’s cheating?  What should I do if she’s cheating?  Is honesty the best policy?  What can I do to stop cheating?

Let’s get to your questions ….

 

OK I guess somebody needs to be first posting a question. Is it cheating if you hang out with a married man and his wife doesn’t know anything about it?   Just Curious

Just curious
It depends on what you mean by “hang out” and “cheating.” There are two types of cheating–sexual cheating and emotional cheating. If you and your married friend are not bumping uglies, then he is not guilty of sexual cheating. However, if he is sharing highly personal information with you; if there is a sexual attraction between you; AND he is actively keeping all of this a secret from his wife, he may be guilty of emotional cheating. Although his wife would be upset if she found out that the two of you were having sex behind her back, reseatch indicates that she would be more hurt by the emotional cheating.    Dr. K

Featured topic: BLAME

How do I get my friend to forgive me for the unforgiveable?  Why does my mother criticize everything I do?  Why do men lie?  Why won’t my coworker admit that she makes mistakes?

Let’s get to your questions ….

 

Looks like I’m going to be your first loyal fan. I’ve got one of those bosses who thinks he’s right ALL of the time. The problem is he’s an idiot and wrong most of the time. It drives me and everybody else nuts because he can’t see it and we have to fix the messes that he creates. Whenever we try to point it out to him, he starts yelling and tries to make us feel small for not seeing “the vision”. What is his problem? Why does he do this?  Just Curious

Just curious
The short psychological answer is, your boss is an @&#/. The longer communication response is, your boss is suffering from a basic attributional bias. He claims responsibility for success and blames everything else for failure. Thus when things go well, it’s because HE is the smartest person in the world. But when things don’t go well, it’s because his staff won’t “get with HIS program.” And, cleaning up his mistakes simply reinforces his flawed perception of himself.  Dr. K

Featured topic: CHOICES

Should I stay in my relationship or should I go find something new?  Why is it so hard to leave Wilmington to find a better job?  Why do my friends talk to me like I don’t matter sometimes?  Should I tell my parents that I’m pregnant?

Let’s get to your questions ….

Is it possible to have your cake and eat it too? My girlfriend and I just broke up but we’re having a hard time actually cutting ties completely. She still wants to be in a relationship and I still want her in my life on some level (like friends). Some days all I want to do is be a single guy and hit on every girl I come across and other days all I want to do is curl up in bed with me ex. I want both her and every other girl I’m attracted to, but that just can’t happen…can it? She’s a great girl and I still really like her but I know its not fair to her for us to be in a “committed relationship” at this point in my life. She is more dependent on our relationship than I am and so the breakup is effecting her way more. Can ex lovers become just friends after breaking up?  Steven

Steven
You sound like you really care about your ex girlfriend AND someone who wants his cake and to eat it too. You want to be able to sleep with your ex at your convenience and any other girl that comes along while your ex remains faithful to you. Understand a two things. 1–Faithfulness is a promise that you make to yourself when you meet someone that you will do anything NOT to lose. 2–You are hurting your ex by keeping her around for convenience when she wants commitment. You need to make a choice. Either you become a one woman man or you show how much you really care and let your ex go find someone who wants to be true to her.  Dr. K

Featured topic: FRIENDSHIP

Sometimes people ask questions that stump me.  Go figure.  How would you answer the question from Just curious?

I’ve been told that women like to be best friends with gay guys because it’s the best of both worlds. They get a guy who will talk ALL day long to them about girl stuff. OK–I kinda get that. What does the gay guy get out of the relationship? Just curious

Just curious
That’s a good question. I honestly don’t know the answer. Research suggests that men are motivated to befriend women by the promise of sex. Meaning, if sex is a possibility, men are willing to endure the endless conversation about “girl stuff.” It’s possible that gay men befriend straight women who don’t mind hanging out in places where there are other gay men and can’t/won’t become competition when the gay friend is on the prowl. Sex is still a motivation, but she serves a wingman function rather than that of an object of desire.  Dr. K

Featured topic: BREAK UPS

How do I break up with my ex without turning her into a stalker?  Why is my ex telling people I was the bad guy when she broke up with me?  Do men and women break up differently?  What’s up with the disappearing act?

Lets get to your questions ….

Dr. K
Last year I met a woman with a 5 year old son named James. My relationship with the mother is good, but I really enjoy the times that I spend with James. He’s a great kid–full of life and love. I don’t feel like a big brother to him; I feel like a dad–someone that he can look up to, someone that he trusts and can count on. The problem is, I’ve lost my enthusiasm for the relationship with the mother but I don’t want to stop seeing James. Is there a way to break up with the mother without breaking up with James?  Don

Don
Unfortunately for you, James and his mother come as a package. If you break up with her, than means you have to break up with him. It’s not like you can meet a new woman and incorporate James into that relationship. You need to make a clean break with both of them. That means, you need to have “the conversation” with mom and James, but not at the same time. Don’t talk to one and disappear on the other–it’s not fair. Make sure that you say the same thing to both of them. Make sure that you say something value neutral like “things aren’t working out.” Please omit details like “the only reason I’ve stayed with you this long is because I like your son better than you.” If the break up is a surprise to the mom, using the same reasoning lessens the chance that she will use James to get you back. Or worse, ruin his memories of you by creating a story in which you are the bad guy who left them for no reason.  Dr. K

Featured topic: DECEPTION

Is it ever okay to lie to your mother?  Which lies are worse–lies about money or lies about the quality of sex?  Should you be 100% truthful during a job interview?  Are there different types of lies?

Let’s get to your questions ….

Why do men lie to women?

The most elegant response that I’ve ever heard to your question is, men lie to women because women ask them questions. And truthful responses to questions usually produce more questions. Men tend to seek the path of least resistance with women. If telling a lie (or what they think we want to hear) results in less drama (and questions) than telling the truth, a lie is what will be told. Research on conflict supports this according to the demand-withdrawal dynamic. That is, the more a woman demands a response, the more the man will avoid/withdraw from the interaction. So, if silence won’t give you enough of a clue to shut up, he may feel that he has nothing to lose by telling you a lie.  Dr. K

Ok. Why do women lie to men?

Because they want money.  Dr. K

Featured topic: UNCERTAINTY

Am I worth the salary I think I’m worth?  Will sex with my wife change after the birth of my daughter?  Is it okay for the woman to propose?  Should friends establish rules about “who pays” when they go out to eat or “play it by ear?”

Let’s get to your questions ….

 

Why do women ask questions? Surely, they must know men are only going to lie.  Victoria Craven

Surely they do … and don’t, Victoria. Women like being right about the men in their lives. Thus, women ask men questions that confirm what they “know” about those men. If a woman “knows” that her man is trustworthy, a truth bias will kick in and she will ask him questions that verify his trustworthiness. If she “knows” that he couldn’t tell the truth to save his life, she will ask him questions GUARANTEED to prove that he is a lying SOB.  Dr. K

Featured topic: VIOLATIONS

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr K.,

I have a friend (oh, the suspicious ‘friend’, but in this case it is another person) who is asexual–she isn’t sexually attracted to anyone. She’s friends with a straight male who enjoys cuddling. My friend, Kate*, loves to cuddle and so she took him at his word that he was cool just being cuddle buddies.
One evening as she began drifting off to sleep next to him, he began trying to shove his hand down her pants. She turned away as if moving in her sleep and he stopped.
She didn’t confront him because they were alone and she’d seen him get very angry in other situations (though not at her) and he was a talented football player at their University so she felt that, if she’d gone to the campus authorities, he’d only get a slap on the wrist and he’d then be angry at her.
I have been in similar situations before I learned how to read other people’s signals and therefore it ticks me off no end that this had to happen to a very sweet girl who simply took someone she trusted at their word. I hate that she’ll be less likely to trust anyone, whilst also thinking it will keep her safe in future.
She has decided not to confront him but to simply not be alone with him again. She feels that since he waited until she was asleep that’s less bad than if he’d tried it when she was awake. I disagree–I think it’s worse that he waited until she was defenceless.
I believe it’s a shame that even if you’ve known someone for some time it doesn’t mean you can trust that person.
How do you think she should have responded? When did culture begin telling men it was acceptable to behave in such a way?
I’d also be interested in any other thoughts you have about the situation.  Flaming A.

Dear Flaming A
No offense, but your friend needs to be a better judge of character or develop a more effective method for setting boundaries for her gay, straight and bisexual friends. Don’t get me wrong–I’m not blaming the victim. Its just that I can encourage her to acquire some survival skills; I can’t do anything with Mr. Molester. An unspoken rule among opposite sex friends is “no flirting.” And, as an asexual person, she may not be as acquainted with the subtle or obvious flirting cues as us sex driven folks. My guess is that Mr. Date Rape telegraphed his desire for a friends with benefits relationship LONG before he slipped his hand down her pants. In public notwithstanding, your friend should end whatever remains of the relationship with this guy. Or, get a bigger guy friend to kick his *!@$/ ass. I prefer the latter.  Dr. K

Featured topic: COMMITMENT

Let’s get to your questions ….

I find myself no longer sexually attracted to my fiancee. Conversely, I’m finding myself relentlessly attracted to several other women who have recently entered my life (in a non-romantic capacity, though I would think the potential would be there if I weren’t in a committed relationship).
My fiancee is an amazing person and I love her very much, and I have no plans to leave her at the altar (I’m not the cheating type; more of a serial monogamist). She is a very attractive woman, and we have a very deep relationship and commitment to each other. Right now, the only bump in our relationship road is my sudden lack of attraction for her. We have no real problems living as a couple or dealing with our issues, though we’ve had problems dealing with our sexual issues in the past… which is why I haven’t brought this up with her. Once we’d worked out our initial differences we had a very satisfying love life, but suddenly the fun’s just not there for me any more. I have gently encouraged her to try “spicing up” our love life, which she’s had no problem with, and my performance is not an issue… but I still find myself bored by the proposition of sex with her.
Is this some kind of commitment phobia manifesting itself? I would like to think this is a short-term blip on my part. This is the woman I’d like to spend the rest of my life with, but I don’t know that I could do that without having our sexual relationship at 100%. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.  Not Larry

Not Larry,
Most people would say that you need to talk to your fiance. I say, do a few other things first. Begin by not confusing “not being interested in sex with my fiance now” with “not being interested in my fiance.” Then ask yourself a question–what does sex mean to my relationship?
One line of research suggests that loving relationships are characterized by passion, intimacy and commitment. These characteristics don’t need to exist in equal parts, but all 3 must be there. Obviously, you’re committed even if just out of duty. If you still enjoy cuddling, kissing, talking to your fiance and spending time with her–don’t worry yet. You just got bored because the sex was too convenient. Do other stuff together. Give yourself some time to miss her sexually. If the desire doesn’t return, then you two need to have a conversation.  Dr. K

Featured topic: FORGIVENESS

I didn’t get any questions this week, so I’ll post something interesting that I found on the Internet.  Maybe it will generate a question or comment.

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE:  5 BARRIERS TO FORGIVENESS

By Jeff Herring

 Most barriers to forgiveness come in the form of a “but.”

For example:

“But I don’t feel like forgiving.”

And you may not for a while. Ultimately, forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling.

“But if I forgive someone, doesn’t that mean I approve of what they did?”

No, not at all. Forgiveness does not condone what was done.

“But if I forgive, doesn’t that open me up to be hurt again?”

Well, yes and no.

The yes part is that if we are going to risk closeness in relationships, we are going to risk being hurt. It’s just part of the territory.

The no part is that while forgiving, you can still protect yourself from further hurt. One way to do this is in relationships is to set clear boundaries with equally clear consequences if the boundaries are violated.

“But if I forgive, doesn’t that let the other person off the hook?”

Not necessarily.

There are consequences for actions, even after forgiveness. What forgiveness can do is let you off the hook of bitterness and resentment.

“But I forgave, and I still feel bad.”

Unfortunately, that can happen. While it’s true that forgiveness is a decision, it’s also a process. So is the healing. It can take time.

Featured topic: BETRAYAL

Let’s get to your questions ….

 My boyfriend gave me an STD. What should I do?  Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed
My guess is that you are asking me what you should do relationally and not medically. If not, take care of your body BEFORE you worry about what to do about your boyfriend. Once you and a doctor have agreed on what to do medically, think about how you found out about the STD. If you noticed something “different” about your body and questioned your boyfriend about it and he played stupid until you confronted him with a doctor’s note–dump him. If he repeatedly accused you of sleeping around when both of you KNOW you have been faithful–dump him. If he simply disappeared anytime during the process, consider yourselves broken up and move on. But, if he noticed something “different” his body, gently confessed his infidelity and sincerely expressed remorse, AND offered to go with you to the doctor to get tested together–have the fight and move forward medically as a couple.  Dr. K

Featured topic: SEX

Let’s get to your questions ….

How many is too many sex partners for a woman? I mean a guy can sleep with like 200 women and he’s a stud, but if a woman does that she’s a slut. Where do we draw the line between sexually liberated woman and whore?  Just curious

Dear Just curious
That is a very good question. I don’t think the number of lovers alone differentiates a slut from a sexually liberated woman; I think the quality of those experiences plays a role as well. I am 47 years old and I lost my virginity at 17. Within those 30 years, I easily could have had 40-50 lovers. Would that make me a slut? Let us assume that 20 of those relationships were 1 year, girlfriend-boyfriend relationships and the remainder were 1-6 month monogamous relationships. Let us also assume that I acquired many “skills” as a result of those liaisons, but no encounter involved the use of props or the participation of animals or supporting cast members. Compare all of that to a 22 year old girl who has squeezed 50 hook-ups of a varied and dubious nature into the space of 3 years and you may begin to sense the difference that discretion makes.
BTW–I don’t believe in a sexual double standard. To me, a man who has “been around” is sexy, but a man who has been EVERYWHERE is a whore.  Dr. K

Featured topic: LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS

Let’s get to your questions ….

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. He just got a great job in Texas, about 800 miles away. I want to move with him, but that’s not possible now because of family stuff. I don’t have alot of faith in long distance relationships but I don’t want to break up with my boyfriend either. How do you make a long distance relationship work?  Left Behind

Dear Left Behind
At one time I did not have alot of faith in long distance relationships (LDRs) either, but I am rethinking that. When I was younger, I needed the constant reassurance of a boyfriend being physically accessible to me. Now that I am older and have been single for a good little while, I don’t know if an everyday boyfriend would get on my nerves. The keys to a successful LDR are trust, commitment and a mutual understanding of “space.” Trust and commitment don’t need explanation; it’s the perception of how much “space” each person needs/can tolerate that is generally the problem. If you NEED to hear from or be with your boyfriend everyday and share all of your activities and friends but he doesn’t need that from you, eventually that lack of physical contact is going to erode your trust in him and the resulting conflict will lessen his commitment to you. The two of you will need to develop a comfortable rhythm for seeing and communicating with each other. Also, the more “needy” person (and both of you need to be honest about who that person is) will have to develop an enjoyable life outside of the relationship. The latter is important even when the two of you are physically close again.  Dr. K

Featured topic: CONFLICT

Let’s get to your questions ….

Why does my friend love to fight with me? I have known John for most of my life and love him like a brother. But he loves to get into these endless political debates with me. I respect his conservative views and enjoy the occasional spirited conversation, but when he gets on his “all you liberals think …” kick, I get frustrated. How do I get him to respect my opinions or stop dragging me into these pointless discussions?  Joe

I feel your pain, Joe. I have a friend who is the same way. My guess is that you are doing everything that you can do to avoid these arguments–agreeing to disagree, physically withdrawing from the conversation, using humor to change the subject. Your main problem seems to involve getting your friend to understand that these particular conversations are harming the friendship. Friendship is about a mutual understanding of how to meet each other’s needs for companionship, respect, assistance during a crisis, etc. Your friend may be more focused on HIS needs during these exchanges than YOUR needs. He may NEED you to validate his opinions because he values your acceptance of him, but he has lost sight of his obligation to do that for you. Remind him of that. When the topic comes up, stop him and ask why he is picking this fight. Then establish ground rules and call him on his inability to follow them when he makes his “you liberals” crack. This may not cut down on the frequency of these conversations, but it should make them more spirited and less frustrating.  Dr. K

Featured topic: SISTERS

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K
My sister never has time to talk to me on the telephone. Whenever I call her to say ‘hello’ or talk about our parents or ANYTHING, she says “yeah Karen–love you. I’m in the middle of something. Gotta go.” I love my little sistah and want to keep in touch. I realize that she is busy–so am I. But REALLY! What can I do to get her to talk to me, or better yet, call me?  Karen

SISTAH!!!
Thanks for calling me out on my website, Karen. I love you too. A few of the reasons that I rush you off the telephone are times that are convenient for you to talk are not always convenient for me–there is a time zone difference, remember? Also, when we talk, your attention is divided by what you are doing (driving and/or yelling at your child). To be honest, I just don’t think that the occasional phone call matches the commitment to each other that I crave. I’d like to think that we are “close” and I want communication with you that feels more personal and less obligatory. Perhaps we could see each other more often. Your visit this summer was great. Perhaps we could get more in sync with each other about a time to talk that is more convenient for both of us. I’ll make more of an effort if you will. After all, we ain’t getting any younger?  Dr. K

Featured topic: NICE GUY SYNDROME

Let’s get to your questions ….

Why don’t women want to date nice guys?  Dick

My mother says that women don’t date nice guys because they are dull. But, according to my research, women do date nice guys if they are hot and pass “the friend test.” On the occasions that they do not date nice guys, the girls are looking for something less permanent in a relationship. Therefore, don’t be surprised when the hot, party girl can’t appreciate your nice guyness. She wants a party boy to be wild and chaotic with. Don’t fault her for it either. Just ask yourself one question. Why aren’t nice guys interested in dating nice girls?  Dr. K

Featured topic: SELF DISCLOSURE

Let’s get to your questions ….

Over the years I’ve noticed that my black friends seem to disclose more information in the later stages of our friendships, while my white friends seem to disclose more during the early stages. Why is this? For example: My friend Jacob (white guy) would always brag about his sexual conquests and anything going on in his life really early on. On the other hand my friend kalif (black guy) was always really private about all of his relationships and experiences until we got a lot closer in the relationship and had spent a lot of time together.  JJ the Jet Plane

Dear JJ
That is an EXCELLENT question. I have read alot of research about self disclosure and gender differences, but none on racial differences. My guess is that you are not black. If that is the case, it could be that Kalif did not disclose to you as early as Jacob because the two of you are not “alike.” Generally, people are more likely to share with people that they feel similar to than people they feel different from. On that same note, it is possible that black people find it risky to share intimate information with non black people because they fear that the information will cast them in a negative light. It is also possible that Jacob thinks you are a stud and felt the need to establish early on that he could match your studliness.  Dr. K

Featured topic: ME VERSUS WE

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,
I recently got engaged to my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. I adore him and cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. Throughout our relationship, I’ve struggled with the competing desire to be completely independent and on my own, yet also maintain a healthy partnership with my boyfriend (now fiance). Once we’re married will these desires for independence go away on their own or will I always be torn between wanting to be his wife and my own person?  Noa

Noa
Who said that getting married means that you cannot be your own person? You may think that your competing desires are just something going on in your head, but in reality they were put there by your fiance or you famiy/friends. Either your interactions with your fiance are characterized by HIS requests for more time together and YOUR justifications for being apart, OR your family/friends are pressuring you to embrace couplehood or walk away. In either case, you and your fiance need to have a conversation. The both of you need to decide what is a healthy balance of being a couple and having your own lives. Once you do that, you can tell your family/friends to “butt-out” because the two of you have got this!
PS. Remember that during wedding planning too.  Dr. K

Featured topic: ONLINE DATING

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,

I have been talking to a guy that I met through eHarmony.com for the past four months. We have not met in person, but we talk everyday via e-mail, text message, and sometimes on the phone. We already have a deep connection because we share so much personal information with each other. He is a great listener and we have a lot in common. Just recently I discovered that we have a mutual friend, Karen. Karen, just happens to be his ex-girlfriend. After asking her about him, I have started to wonder if he is who he says he is. Karen has nothing nice to say about him. I don’t know who to believe. I really enjoy talking to him and I can see a future with him, How can I make sure that he is the being truthful? Bristine Pattermeyer

Bristine
There is SO much going on in your question my head is close to exploding. Let’s deal with the pink elephant in the corner first. Why in the world would you seek information about a guy you like from his ex-girlfriend? I am not surprised that she would not have anything nice to say about him. I mean, if he was a jerk to her or she wants him back (and you out of the way) for whatever reason, she’s NOT going to sing his praises. Also, I am not surprised that her negative information has overtaken the positive impression that he made in your mind. It’s called the negativity effect. I suspect that you want to ask him a few questions to determine who is telling the truth. I would, but you need to do it understanding two things. 1–All you are going to do is try to prove what you believe already–positive or negative. 2–No matter what he says, you’ll carry the doubts created by Little Ms. Cock-blocker until she proves herself to be unreliable.  Dr. K

Featured topic: ATTRACTION CUES

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,

I just met a guy who I am really interested in, and he is from Spain. I am having a difficult time understanding if he is in to me or not because every time I see him he kisses me on the cheeks. I really want to pursue this relationship but am worried I am reading the signals wrong. How do I know if he wants something more or not?  Bailey Wilson

Bailey
A hot Spaniard who kisses me all the time–man, I wish I had your problems. Some people would say, “He’s kissing you and you just met him? Of course he’s into you!” Other people would say, “Wait, he’s from another country. Maybe kissing doesn’t mean the same thing over there.” I’m more inclined to go along with the second set of people. There are some nonverbal signs that are universal. For example, shaking the head from side to side means “no” in most developed cultures. However, many intimacy cues, like an inward body lean and touching, are not. Look, give it some time. Wait and see if he wants to kiss you on the mouth and if those kisses become passionate. See if he gazes into your eyes and holds your hands when you talk to him. See if he asks you out for a date instead of time to just “hang out.” Don’t be in such a rush to figure this one out. If you enjoy his company, spend at least a month’s worth of time together before you start asking questions.  Dr. K

Featured topic: BUSINESS ATTIRE

Let’s get to your questions ….

Long time no see, Dr. K. Okay I’ve got a question for you. I’ve been told that conservative clothing (skirt suit, closed toe shoes and hair up) is best for an interview. If I want to stand out from the crowd, why should I look like everybody else? I’m applying for a job at a record company. NOBODY wears suits there. Why can’t I just dress like the people who works there?  Just curious

Just curious
The short answer to your question is those people have jobs and you don’t. People who have jobs can dress anyway that their organization will allow. People seeking jobs don’t have that luxury. I don’t understand why people seeking an entry level job feel that they need to express their uniqueness through their clothing as opposed to doing it with their skills. Most of the time, using your attire to stand out means that you have nothing beyond the wonderfulness of you to bring to the table. And, even if you have major skills and experience, people are leery of hiring an “individual” because most “individuals” are “flakes.” Look, the point of an interview is to get the job. FOCUS. Your uniqueness should be rooted in the perspective that you bring to the organization. Let your ideas and accomplishments speak for you, not your fashion sense.  Dr. K

Featured topic: WHY I HATE COSMO

No questions this week.  Just a mini rant from me.

I get really tired of women’s magazines talking about relationships as if women are the only ones responsible for making them work.  If a relationship works it is because both parties made it work.  If a relationship fails, both parties are to blame.

And just for the record, women are as hardwired to cheat as men are.

Featured topic: ONLY CHILD SYNDROME

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,

I’ve been dating this guy for over three years on and off. He is unlike any other guy I’ve dated, and I’m not too sure if that’s a good or bad thing. When we’re together for the most part we get along and have a great relationship, but when we’re not together we tend to fight and argue and in result he’ll completely ignore me for long periods of times (about a week) or give me the silent treatment. When we argue I notice that I’m the only one yelling and pointing out the problems. He doesn’t seem to know how to argue back or put any effort to make things right. He’s an only child and is used to having everything handed to him and go his way. He lacks communication skills that are obvious to me because of the way my family operated growing up. I’m at my breaking point but I really want to make our relationship work because I know he has the potential to be a great boyfriend, but the lack of communication is an overpowering stressor in our relationship. What should I do?  Sister from another mister

Sister from another mister
Walk away. I know what you want me to say, but trying to “fix” your on-again, off-again boyfriend is NOT worth your effort. Find one who’s not broken. I bet that when you two argue, you give in first. … right? You bring up a troubling issue; he avoids dealing with it by giving you the silent treatment; then you break the silence with a compromise or change of topic hoping that you can lull him into discussing the troubling issue, but nothing ever really gets resolved. As much as you want to break this cycle, you can’t. He’s an only child. He’s been using (and perfecting) this strategy his whole life on his parents. I bet that if you ask his friends about it, all of them will say he does it to them as well and it drives them nuts. This is your “come to Jesus” moment about this relationship. You’ve allowed him to get away with this behavior for THREE YEARS! He’s … not … going … to … change. But, if you see “fixing” him as your special mission in life, be my guest. Just remember–Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.  Dr. K

Featured topic: FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr K
My guy friend “Tom” and I met freshman year of high school and have been friends for about 8 years now. During freshman and sophomore year we had a very close platonic relationship. We had a few classes together and often hung out on the weekends. It wasn’t until junior year when he got a girlfriend that I had realized I had developed feelings for him. Of course at that point it was too late to tell him due to the fact that he was in a relationship. We went from spending a lot of time together to barely seeing each other, with the exception of class. Senior year, when he and his girlfriend broke up I began hinting to him my feelings for him but he didn’t make any advancements so I figured he must not feel the same way about me so I moved on. It wasn’t until after graduation that he told me he had had feelings for me during high school, however around this time I was already talking to someone else and my feelings for “Tom” had receded. For the past 3 years we both were in and out of relationships with other people. We talked less and less throughout college due to our relationship statuses. He pretty much disappeared from my life until the other day when he recently texted me telling me he broke up with his girlfriend. Days before his out of the blue text message, the guy I had been talking to asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. “Tom” and I have still been contacting each other about once a week. We plan on meeting up over thanksgiving break for dinner and a few drinks. I know that there are still feelings there between us but I don’t believe either of us are brave enough to act on them. Im not sure whether meeting up with him is a good idea. Should I cancel the meeting and let the friendship fizzle or meet up with him, keep him around and see where it leads?
Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed and Confused,                                                                                                       Been there, done that … a couple of times. Go have dinner with Tom. BUT, think about what you want to happen. You two haven’t seen or talked to each other much in 3 years. And, neither one of you seemed to care. Do you really want your high school pal “Tom” back in your life? Or, do you just want to explore the possibility of “something more” with “Tom?” You can’t do the latter because you have a real boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with someone else. So you are left asking yourself, “Do I really miss having high school pal Tom around?” Are there things that you miss doing with “Tom” that you can’t do with anybody else? Are there things you miss talking about? After all this time, do you feel that he knows you better than anybody else? Do you feel freer to be you with “Tom?” Did “Tom” encourage your relationships with others in the past? Will he encourage your relationship with the new guy? If you can answer YES to these questions, then “Tom” is your friend and true friendships don’t fizzle.
I don’t see a problem with you getting together with a high school chum or chatting with him once or twice a week. Don’t waste time thinking about “what if.” It’s not fair to the new guy and it puts too much pressure on “Tom.”  Dr. K

Featured topic: CONFLICT 2

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,

HELP! My friend told me about your column and I really need some advice. I have been dating this guy, Brad, for about three years now. We are both graduating in the Spring and already have jobs lined up after graduation. Not to sound cheesy but I know he is the one for me and we have already started talking about getting married. We come from very different families and we have both come to love and accept each other’s backgrounds despite our differences. I am a Christian and he isn’t, but he doesn’t mind the fact that I am or that I want to raise my children as Christians. Now to the problem… my family. I come from a pretty conservative and religious background and I am known as the “liberal” one in the family. I have always been honest with my parents (especially my mom) about my opinions, plans, and pretty much everything else. They have always been supportive of me. However, whenever I bring up the fact that Brad and I want to get married, all hell breaks loose. It pretty much turns into a huge fight between my mom and I and ends up with one of us walking away so we have chosen to simply avoid the topic. It is very important to me that I have my parents’ blessing but it just seems like it is never going to happen. I feel like we will never agree on the subject and I don’t know what to do. I have tried talking to her calmly about my feelings but even if it starts out calm, it ends up…well not. What should I do?  Lost and In Love

Lost and In Love
Let’s take a giant step backwards. What are you and your mother arguing about? Is your mother afraid that Brad will cause you to abandon your faith and you will burn in hell for all eternity? Or, does your mother want you to understand the difficulty of making a marriage work when the husband and wife are “unevenly yoked?” Are you trying to get your mother to accept that your faith is only part of who you are? Or, do you think that your mother is using the faith objection as an excuse for not liking Brad? Philosophical debates about the role of faith in marital satisfaction will never get resolved. Conflict over honoring rituals like baptisms/christenings, church every Sunday, and/or watching in the New Year should be resolved. Find out what is the real problem. Avoidance and withdrawal can be useful in a conflict situation, but most often they are seen as manipulative strategies for winning an argument. They tend to breed resentment because they short circuit the process of solving the problem. You cannot get married without your mom–you will regret it forever if you leave her out. Talk to her. Reassure her that marrying Brad is not just a manifestation of “being liberal.” Ask Brad to participate in these discussions. Your mother may be more likely to face her fears in a more civil way if the source is sitting in front of her.  Dr. K

Featured topic: SECRETS AND LIES

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,                                                                                                                                                   One of my best friends (“Nicole”) recently got pregnant and married to her partner (“Adam”). They have been together for a year, and before that she dated her previous boyfriend (“Alex”) for 2 years. Nicole and Alex had a very unhealthy relationship, and she had to move away in order to completely end it. After she moved, she started dating Adam, and Alex got arrested. He is in prison for the next 5 years. Nicole and Adam got pregnant and decided to get married. I was part of her wedding, and on her wedding day she was talking about her ex, Alex. She still writes him over the prison e-mail and it seems like she hasn’t gotten over him yet. Her husband, Adam, has no idea. Should she be open with Adam about her communication with her ex, or keep it a secret? Considering Adam hates Alex and knows how badly he treated Nicole, it would be a huge problem in their relationship. Or should she end communication with Alex completely? Thanks for the help.  Illegal Love

Dear Illegal Love,
Wow, this is a tuffy. Should I hurt or lie to my wonderful husband and soon-to-be father of my child or should I remain hung up on my abusive ex-boyfriend who’ll be in jail for the foreseeable future? I can see why Nicole can’t make a decision. Look, I’m a firm believer in letting sleeping dogs lie. ALL of them. Nicole doesn’t need to tell Alex anything if there is nothing to tell. That means, stop talking to or about Alex. He’s poison and a jailbird. Remind her that she had to uproot her life once before to get away from him. She has a good relationship with Adam now–why try to fix a bad one from her past? The real issue on my mind is, will Alex try to cause confusion once he’s out of jail–does he have incentive? And how will Adam feel if he finds out about jailhouse chats with Adam? My best advice on those matters is to wait until Alex gets out of jail and cross that bridge when/if it comes.  Dr. K

Featured topic: CULTURE SHOCK

Let’s get to your question ….

Dear Dr.K                                                                                                                                                I am currently a freshman at UNCW. I live in Galloway hall on the fifth floor. I am having a difficult time adjusting to all of the freedom college life has given me. I come from a very strict conservative family. I am used to having a curfew and chores. At school I have a lot more freedom. It seems like everyone in the dorm goes out every night or stays up super late. I want to fit it, but I am having a hard time adjusting. Am I alone on this? and why do I feel like this way?  Jenni

Dear Jenni
I asked my Advanced IC class about your situation and they assured me that you are not alone feeling a bit out of place. You are in a new environment and encountering a new group of people with customs different from your own. The run of the mill advice to people with your problem is “when in Rome, do as the Romans do” to fit in. However, that advice assumes that there is only one type of Roman behavior to follow. My students tell me that Galloway has the reputation for being the “party hall.” But that does not mean that there are only party people living there. Seek out other students with conservative values and hang out with them. I’m not suggesting that you need to close yourself off to having fun or enjoying certain carefree aspects of college life. I’m saying find folks who share your sense of when it’s time to play and when it’s time to work–students who are serious about their education AND can appreciate staying up late talking or watching a movie to relax once a week or so rather than getting drunk downtown or hooking up every night. If you are shy about meeting people, understand that those who project good values and personal habits often attract others of similar kind. Fitting in should not mean abandoning who you are to be like others; it means feeling comfortable with people who are like you. Besides, next semester half of those party people won’t be back.   Dr. K