Featured topic: CRAPPY FRIENDS

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,                                                                                                                  My current roommate and I have been extremely good friends for 4 years and are neighbors back home. This is the first year, however, that we have been roommates. Nearing the end of the year, I’ve become extremely bothered and offended by some of her comments. (I have noticed them before we were roommates, but they were always said in a joking matter and not as often, so I kind of just brushed it off, not trying to make a big deal out of things). Tonight went too far as she made several rude comments about how one of my good high school friends (who she knows) wasn’t pretty and “it was by magic how she has the hot boyfriend she has now”.

Her rude comments about people are shallow and quite frankly, I’m almost embarrassed to be her friend. It’s not fair and not nice to judge people by the way they look or how much money they got. Despite her comments, she has been a really good friend to me, but I think it’s time for change. Should I try to address the situation and tell her this bothers me? Or is this something beyond repair (not an overnight fix) and should I slowly let go of the friendship?  Anonymous

Anonymous                                                                                                             What you decide to do depends on how much you need your roommate to be your friend and how well she fulfills your friendship expectations. Let’s talk about needing her first. Do you have other close friendship options? Do you enjoy spending time with those people as much or more than your roommate? If you were not friends with her, could you meet your roommate needs (shared rent or maintenance) with another person? Will you hate yourself for ending a 4 year friendship over this? If your answers are yes, yes, yes and no; dump her. Now, let’s talk about your expectations. Most of us view friends as people who make us feel good about ourselves, who are willing to do favors for us, who are loyal and trustworthy, and who have common interests/compatible personalities. Your roommate sounds like an envious, possessive bully. She says offensive things to you because you let her–that is, she knows you won’t do anything about it. If you want to try to fix her, be my guest. I would walk away … FAST. You’ve already suffered 4 years of this.  Dr. K

Featured topic: REBOUND RELATIONSHIPS

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K, I recently was dumped by my girlfriend of two years. I’m a sophomore, and she is a senior here at UNCW. Everything was great until her senior year, when things just kind of disintegrated and I’m not sure why. It’s been eight months since we’ve broken up, and I got on Facebook two months ago only to see that she is now dating a new guy, a senior here on campus. Needless to say my ego has been really hurt by this, and my game with the ladies has been terrible since I was dumped. I was wondering if their was any suggestions on some Self image management techniques I could use to make myself more desirable to the women of UNCW. I really need to find a new girl so I can get over my ex, I just need a jumpstart on how to improve my image. You’re the best Dr. K!! Thanks so much.

Wow. “Dr. K, can you help me find a rebound relationship?” “Dr. K, can you give me advice on how to find a nice girl to date until I feel better about myself and then throw away?” “Dr. K, what can I do to make my ex regret dumping me?” Am I getting warm yet? Dude, if I gave you a straight answer to any one of those questions, I’d have to turn in my Girl Card. You don’t need a new girl to help you get over the old girlfriend. You just need to get over your ex–alone. Needing a girl to validate yourself is different from having a girl who validates you. The former reeks of desperate and broken whereas the latter smells like healthy relationship. Take some time alone to hang out with your guy friends and remember what it’s like to be a cool single guy. If you need female companionship, pick up a few barflies who are as disinterested in a committed relationship with you as you are in one with them. Once you reclaim your comfort with whom you use to be, your mojo will come back and committed relationship material will come your way.  Dr. K

Featured topic: MARRIAGE EQUALITY

Not long into the Supreme Court arguments Tuesday [March 27, 2013] in Hollingsworth v. Perry, Justice Elena Kagan put her finger on the implausibility of the central constitutional argument made by the lawyers defending California’s Proposition 8, which defines marriage as between a man and a woman. In reading the briefs, she said, she was struck that the “principal argument” of gay-marriage opponents is that “the State’s principal interest in marriage is in regulating procreation.” She then offered a hypothetical. “Suppose a State said that, ‘Because we think that the focus of marriage really should be on procreation, we are not going to give marriage licenses anymore to any couple where both people are over the age of 55.’ Would that be constitutional?”

Here was the response by the lawyer for Proposition 8 supporters, Charles Cooper:

“[S]ociety’s interest in responsible procreation isn’t just with respect to the procreative capacities of the couple itself. The marital norm, which imposes the obligations of fidelity and monogamy, Your Honor, advances the interests in responsible procreation by making it more likely that neither party, including the fertile party to that … marriage will engage in irresponsible procreative conduct outside of that marriage. Outside of that marriage. That’s the marital—that’s the marital norm.”

In other words, if the Court does decide the Perry case on the merits, it will come down to this claim: Because only straight people can impulsively and accidentally have illegitimate children out of wedlock, they need a stable institution of marriage to discourage them from doing so and to force them to focus on the consequences of their animalistic passions. But as Justice Kagan noted, the idea that denying marriage equality to gay couples would encourage monogamy and responsible procreation by straight couples is hard to follow, let alone to fathom.

New Republic

Featured topic: NICE GUY BACKLASH

For more see 13 Reasons Why Nice Guys Are the Worst

Featured topic: SENSITIVE ISSUES

This question really stumped me.  If you have a better reply, please submit a comment.

Over the past couple of years, my mom has become obsessed with the Tea Party and gun ownership, blending it in with patriotism, highly conservative ideals, and religion. One of the main ways we used to communicate was on Facebook, so I noticed a lot of “extreme” ideologies being put forth there over the last year. She began getting into religious debates and deleting anyone who didn’t agree with her. She began condemning homosexuals and “liking” hate groups that promote intolerance against them, even though my cousin is transgendered and they often communicated on Facebook. Then she began deleting relatives, including me,(her daughter), and my cousin due to disagreements about religion and politics. A few months ago, I found her again on Facebook. She had created a new page and it was all about promoting religion, unwavering faith in god, guns, the tea party, and the united states. Only friends whom shared these beliefs were added. I did not send a request, but I noticed she was subscribed to my sister, who shares her beliefs. I wouldn’t be so worried if it hadn’t gone beyond Facebook. On Christmas I sent her a gift and card but never heard anything back. She knows my financial situation is not good so it was not easy for me to do this. My two children also did not hear from her this Christmas, which is a first.
Recently I tried to contact her via email to see how she was doing. Although she insisted on not talking about it, our conversation got no further than religion or my lack of it. She kept indicating that she’d embrace me with joy on the day that I became “born again”. From what I can understand, there was no desire to resume contact with me until I see things her way. I expressed to her that I was worried about her taking religion to an extreme level and she became very offended, proceeding to point out to me why I was the one mentally ill, not her. Every email she sent me back contained quoted bible verses about how families will become enemies because of a belief in God, or how one who believes in God will not be deceived by new age ideas (she was referring to me here). I don’t really know what I should do at this point. This was a few days ago. Should I try to contact her again? Maybe just send a birthday card next month? I was hoping I would be able to convince her to talk to a professional, but apparently she thinks she’s fine and will only accuse me of being “sick” if I suggest it again.  Sahaaya

Sahaaya
I’ve been trying to come up with an academic response to your question rather than a gut reaction. It sounds like your motherr has adopted views that she wants confirmed by the people around her. This is not unusual–most of us seek the company of like minded others. The problem here is that you do not share her views and she is trying to force you to adopt them. Notice that I said force and not persuade. She is using every manipulative trick in the book to break you down and that is uncool. I am not one to offer advice about how to sever ties with family members, but I don’t think it’s proper to condone suffering emotional abuse from them either. Therefore, you may need to love your mother from afar for a while. You need to accept that your mother is not crazy and you cannot separate her from her new beliefs and values. Avoid contact with her until you are feeling less vulnerable to her criticism and rejection. If you want to know if she’s okay or becoming less committed to her extreme views, check her comments and posts on facebook. Once your mom’s neophyte fever has died down some, start having conversations. Ask her why she feels the way she does about guns, politics, gays and religion. Don’t challenge or judge her. Just get her to explain what persuaded her to adopt those views and how they influence her everyday living. GO SLOWLY. The goal should be to understand your mom and relate to her within the context of her beliefs without adopting or rejecting them. This will take time and it won’t be easy. But if you want a relationship with her, breaking ties and forming new ties may be your best bet.  Dr. K

Featured topic: MESSY ROOMMATES

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K, I am so frustrated! In our apartment, myself and two of my roommates seem to follow the rules we set for our apartment at the beginning of the year well and get along fine. Our other roommate, however, fails to adhere to our apartment rules. First semester, this roommate has constantly kept the kitchen dirty. Food is always left on the counter, her dishes are left in the sink until they can’t pile up anymore, and she never helps to take the trash out. We have had several meetings to calmly discuss our opinions and have been considerably lenient towards her, but her habits haven’t changed. We are good friends, so I feel as though she doesn’t take any of us seriously. But I am not her mother, I refuse to clean up anymore of her mess!  The Tired Maid

Dear Tired Maid
You may not be your roommate’s mother, but it looks like you don’t mind being liked by someone who does not respect you. You sat down with your roommies and made an agreement about the rules of the house. You all have had several meetings to calmly discuss opinions about your piggy friend breaking the rules. You and two roommates have even cleaned up behind Ms. Piggy. What are you expecting me to say? This is not hard. You’ve done everything that constitutes appropriate small group behavior. Stop enabling–kick her lazy, piggy ass out! She’s not your friend, so don’t sweat hurting her feelings or inconveniencing her. By BLATANTLY ignoring the rules of the house, Ms. Piggy has demonstrated that she does not care about you as a friend, your feelings or inconveniencing everybody that she lives with. Let her care about finding somewhere else to live. You can be nice and let her know face-to-face that she has until the end of the month to move out or you can change the locks, pack up her crap and leave it outside tonight. Just make sure that she knows the decision is final. Don’t kick her out until she “learns her lesson.” You’re not her mother remember? It’s not your job to teach her anything. Make sure you cover your behind, however. Go to the apartment manager’s office and make sure that the lease allows you all to cleanly break ties.  Dr. K

Featured topic: “HE WON’T TALK”

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K, my father is the kinda guy that is anti-social. My mother moved out last year, said that house we lived in made her sick and my dad said he wasn’t moving, so she moved on her own and I stayed with my dad because my mom didn’t have steady transportation and I needed to get to school. She spent last christmas by herself and this christmas, I was already living her and my dad came up.

My dad doesn’t like to talk much but when he does, you need to listen because he’s not just gonna strike up another conversation just like that. So I asked him, If my mother spoke to him since he’s been up here? and he said no. I’ve seen that she’s spoken more to her brother who lives upstairs than my dad who just came up for the christmas. This made him upset and he stopped talking completely. I tried to talk to her about it, and she got upset with me, saying she shouldn’t have to make my father talk. I sometimes agree with her but that’s just how he is and he’s not going to change.

My dad is angry with her and I don’t know why she can’t see that? He came up here and now he’s not talking to her and he went back home this morning. When my dad is upset he doesn’t talk but I get him to talk, even if it’s just for a couple minutes.

Sometimes I feel their marrige is in trouble but none of them believe in divorce so then I’m like okay. But they already live apart. They were together a long time before they got married I think 18 years and they’ve been married for 11. I’m thinking that my mother should know how my dad operates by now? But I guess not, all she says is that she’s not going to make a grown man talk and I understand that. Since he’s been up here, he’s only really spoken to me and I was sick for the holiday and I was losing my voice.

What I’m asking is ” shouldn’t my mother make more of an effort to speak to my dad, even though he’s anti-social?” (This is how he’s always been, this isn’t new behaviour) I think he’s still angry with her “sometimes” for moving out, but then at other times he’s okay.  Sapphire

Sapphire
I apologize for taking so long to respond to your question, but I needed time to think about what I wanted to say. Do I think your mom should try harder to get your dad to talk? No. Your dad is an adult who entered into a legally and spiritually binding relationship with your mother. He needs to hold up his end of the partnership. It is not your mom’s exclusive job to maintain their marriage and it will not be “all her fault” if it falls apart. Moving out of the house probably was her signal that she had tried enough. Your parents have known each other for almost 30 years. They had a long relational life before you were born–a life you only know through the stories they have CHOSEN to tell you. You don’t know what kind of people they were when they met nor how much they have changed since then. You have no idea how many unmet expectations have been experienced nor the extent of the resentments they’ve inspired. I am certain that this demand-withdrawal dance has been performed MANY times between your mom and dad and that both of them are sick of it. I cannot advise them to do anything because they have to want to find a way back to each other first. But I do have advise for you. STAY OUT OF IT. It is not your job to mediate your parents’ marriage. Don’t try and don’t take sides–for your own sanity. Just love each one separately and make the most of the time you spend with them.  Dr. K

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

How many of you have vowed to lose weight, or eat better, or work smarter, or spend more time with family on New Year’s Eve?  And how many of you have lost most of that resolve by MLK Day?  Here’s a suggestion that turns a vice into a virtue.  If you’re like me, you give and get alot of gift cards because you are too lazy to shop.  And most of the time you end up with $1-4 on that card that you cannot spend.  Whenever you find yourself in that situation, go to Gift Card Giver and donate your leftovers to someone in need.  It’s the easiest way to give while you are getting the whole year through.

Happy New Year everybody!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Featured topic: FACEBOOK STALKING

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr K. My boyfriend and I have been together for the last 3 years. Facebook official for the last 2. However, since I graduated I haven’t been able to really maintain my page and be active on the site due to my schedule. I only visit the site once or twice a month.  My boyfriend is always on there and is very “social.” I noticed that he never post things about me or our relationship. I want to check his page to see if he is involved with someone and I want to continue adding his friends that are girls so I can see if they write each other on Facebook. But, should I increase my Facebook use to see what he is doing?  Should I be worried about our relationship?  Confused Gal

Confused Gal,
No offense, but I’m a fan of worrying about the happenings in my real world not my virtual world. Has your boyfriend done anything in the real world to concern you? Have you two stopped going out in public as a couple? Do his friends seem surprised to see you with him? If the answer to those questions is no, then I wouldn’t worry about what he does online. Online surveillance is a last resort–something that you do when you cannot get answers to your questions offline. Besides, you haven’t been a friend of facebook for over at least a year. Why do you care what he posts on his page? If his online behavior isn’t taking “together time” away from the relationship, I wouldn’t let it bother me.  Dr. K

Featured topic: Lying

Let’s get to your questions ….

My husband and I have been together for six years so I feel like I know him very well. But, I have this gut feeling that something is wrong and I am worried that he is lying to me. He used to come home right after work and help me around the house with chores or dinner, but he has been coming home a couple of hours later than usual. When I ask him where he has been, he makes up elaborate stories, avoids eye contact by staring at the ground or looking around the room, and he always uses the same excuses when he is out late. The excuse is that he was just out with his buddies (followed by an elaborate story about his night or day) Sometimes he stutters and it makes me wonder if he is lying to me. When I start asking him questions, he leaves the room, changes the subject, or tells me everything is fine and that I should not worry. I don’t know if things are really “fine” or whether he is hiding something from me. Does it sound like he is lying or is this just a bump in the road for our marriage?  Bump in the Road

Dear Bump in the Road
After six years of marriage, I would hope that you’d know when/if your husband is lying to you. I am certain that in all of the time you’ve known each other, he has displayed similar behavior (but to a lesser degree) and you have discovered that he was hiding something. I think you want me to tell you if your husband is hiding something that should worry you. The answer is “yes, it should concern you very much.” Your husband is going to A LOT of trouble to conceal something, but I cannot say if it is something that just effects him or something that effects your relationship. The elaborate stories are an indication that he may want to get caught because it’s hard to keep those lies straight. If I were you, I would do two things. First I would decide if I really needed to know the truth. Not “I’m nosy and want to know the truth,” but “can I handle something BAD?” Second, if I decided that I needed to know, I would do some detective work. That means checking cell phone messages and appointments. And, dropping by his job during quitting time (SURPRISE!) and asking questions. If your husband wants to get caught, he will welcome the intrusion. If not, prepare yourself for something worse than BAD.  Dr. K

Featured topic: COWORKER DRAMA

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr.K,
I am the lead advisor for an advertising company. It has come to my attention that one of my employees has undermined my authority and tried to close an account on off duty hours without my clearance. In order to make me look bad and possibly get me fired. When I confronted this employee about the situation he admitted to his actions, and this led to an intense argument. After our debate, I had no choice but to fire him. He stormed off and started throwing things against the wall. Later that day my CEO rehired the employee I fired because his family is well-known in society and could potentially hurt the company’s business. How do I continue working with this employee, who’s hotheaded and uses underhanded tactics when dealing with potential cliental in order to make me look bad? Disgruntled Employee

Disgruntled Employee
If I were you, I’d think about finding somewhere else to work. You’ve got a subordinate who doesn’t respect company values or your authority and a boss who does not have your back. Your client’s will see this and lose confidence in you and your company as well. Sure, I could run thru ways to communicate with the hotheaded employee more effectively. And I could present you with arguments to share with the CEO that might persuade him to let the hothead go. But the hothead is in the catbird’s seat and has no incentive to change. Either the hothead would discredit you to the point of irrelevance or the CEO would begin to see you as the problem and let you go. In the final analysis, your boss and your subordinate are not your close friends, lovers or family. These are professional relationships, yet I don’t see anyone behaving professionally. Save your reputation and find another job.  Dr. K

Featured topic: FRIENDSHIP

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,
I have a best male friend that I have grown very close to over the past 10 years. I was always unsure about his sexual preference because of his somewhat feminine personality and our lack of sexual attraction. Over the span of our friendship, I have seen him date other girls, but the relationships never lasted longer than a couple weeks or months. Recently, I introduced him to one of my close girl friends and they have been hanging out and flirting with one another. They’ve been spending more time together than I have with either of them. At first, I didn’t think anything of it, but he came to me the other day asking if she had said anything about him, and told me he had feelings for her. He even said that they almost hooked up one night after the bar. Since he told me that, I’ve been feeling extremely jealous and I don’t know why. I’ve never considered myself to be attracted to him, but can’t seem to get their relationship off of my mind. I thought about talking to my girl friend about it, but don’t know what to say because I don’t know what I’m feeling. Is this a romantic attraction or am I just being a jealous friend?  The Girl Friend

Dear Girl Friend
Don’t worry–you’re just being a jealous friend. Jealousy is a fear of losing something that you have. In this case, you are afraid of losing that close, special, almost exclusive friendship bond–in stereo. Research indicates that women feel more threatened by a rival for an emotional attachment than a rival for a sexual attachment. Given that romantic relationships have never gotten in the way of hang out time with your guy friend in the past, you don’t know what it feels like to compete for his time/concern/caring. You don’t need to talk to your girl friend or your guy friend about this. You need to be happy for the two of them, support their decisions about the relationship, keep confidences when necessary, and reconnect with other friends and family.  Dr. K

Featured topic: SIBLING RIVALRY

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,
Just recently my little sister graduated from college, and has started working at her dream job at the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill. To add onto all of those recent events, her boyfriend of three years proposed to her this past weekend. While I know I’m supposed to be happy for her, I’m not so sure I’m feeling that way. You see, I’m quickly approaching 30 years old and am just now getting an idea of what I want to do with my life. For the past 7 years I have been in and out of jobs, moving from town to town, lacking any stability whatsoever. Meanwhile my sister seems to have her life planned out at 22 years old. My sister and I have always had a close relationship (we talk every single day on the phone), but now this has added on unnecessary tension between us two simply because I assumed that I would be the first to get married and have my life settled. I have found that this has caused me to distance myself from my sister and not want to be around her. The constant discussion of wedding plans lately has made me feel inadequate in comparison to her life, even though I pretend like it does not bother me. I also worry how others (specifically my parents) will compare me to my sister. Is it normal for me to be upset about this? How do I get over this envy that I am feeling?  Never First, Always Last

Dear Never First, Always Last
I am slightly perplexed that you are suddenly concerned about your status in your family relative to your little sister. FOR 7 YEARS your sister has been achieving her goals (i.e., doing well in high school, graduating from high school, being accepted into a good college, making good grades and appropriate choices while attending college, getting into a stable romantic relationship, graduating from college, getting engaged to a “good guy,” and landing her dream job) while you have been … drifting. During that time, you and your sister have had regular contact and healthy interactions, and your parents seemed to love, support and regard both of you equally. It’s not your sister’s fault that you haven’t been able to get your life together so don’t make her a scapegoat for the reality of your inadequacies. And if your parents haven’t said anything to you about your laxidasical efforts toward personal improvement for 7 years, consider it a gift and an omen of things to come. Look, I think you need to get your life on some path toward stability and growth, and I’m glad that your little sister’s recent achievements gave you the proverbial kick in the pants. Just recognize things for what they are. Your family wants you to be a part of this happy event–no strings attached. Don’t assume drama where none exists.  Dr. K

Featured topic: “BEST FRIENDS”

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,

I have a best friend whom I’ve known since I was a little girl. Even though we did not live in the same town, we always did a lot of things together, being that our families were extremely close. Her father recently took a new job which allowed her to move closer to me and now she attends my high school. At first I thought it would be really exciting to finally have my best friend in my daily routine at school, but recently I’ve been feeling a bit suffocated by her. She has started becoming involved in every extracurricular activity I am in and hasn’t attempted to make any friends of her own. She relies on me to provide her a social life, which involves only hanging out with my closest friends. I understand that she is new to my school and doesn’t know anyone other than myself, but she isn’t exactly making an effort to establish a life of her own there, and it’s started to annoy me. The friends I have at this school have always been separate from her and it bothers me how she automatically assumes that these will be her main group of friends as well. Is it wrong that I am bothered by this so much? What should I say to her that will get my point across but, at the same time, not ruin our friendship?  Miss Independent

Dear Miss Independent
I think you don’t understand the meaning of the term “best friend.” A “best friend” is someone that you enjoy spending all of your time hanging around, not someone that you pay attention to when it’s convenient for you. And I can imagine how worried you are about ruining this friendship because it’s easier to send text messages to someone on Facebook when you are bored and call her “best friend” than it is to make face time for that person in your real life. You need to be a little less selfish. It’s not like your best friend is pulling you away from activities that you like or friends that normally spend time with you. She’s making the sacrifices–not you. If she’s really your “best friend,” why aren’t you introducing her to the things that she likes in this new locale (you know, the stuff that she filled her life with while she was a zillion miles out-of-sight-and-out-of-mind)? And, why don’t you want to do the stuff that you use to do WAY back when the two of you “always did a lot of things together?” If you’ve decided that your close friends and life with them are more important than your “best friend,” tell her that. Tell her that you still want to be Facebook friends, but it would be better if she resumed enjoying what she likes to do. Seriously, you can’t keep a “best friend” at arms length–closeness requires spending time together and liking it. If you’re more comfortable with a separate life, tell her that and let her move on.  Dr. K

Featured topic: UNCERTAINTY REDUCTION

Let’s get to your questions ….

I met a girl last weekend. She gave me her number and we set up a date. I told her a lot about my family and friends and life back home. We’re on our third date now and I feel like I’m telling a lot about myself, and she doesn’t really add a lot to the conversation. I ask her questions to get her to talk and she gives vague and minimal responses. The strange thing is she set up another “date” with me this weekend. We are still in the “getting to know you phase,” but how can I get to know her if the only place I learn anything about her is from Facebook? Should I cut my losses and realize that I’m being friend-zoned?  Seriously confused

OK Seriously Confused
There’s a lot going on here. I don’t think you are being friend zoned for two reasons. First, she asked you to commit to another date. A girl who is not interested doesn’t do that. Second, she asked you out for the THIRD DATE. Third dates are generally events that mark the beginning of a romantic relationship because it’s okay for something physical to happen during one–i.e., first sex or first deep kiss. She is auditioning you. Your initiative and willingness to share your life story during the previous dates let her know that you are into her–that she has “passed your test.” Now she wants to see if you are going to “pass” hers. Part of that test is seeing how you handle ambiguity–that is, do you know what to do without her spelling it out for you? She’s waiting for you to do something unexpected that will appeal to her and justify “bumping uglies” with you later on. Stop focusing on how much she talks and concentrate on what she has said and done. Has she laughed, smiled or positively commented on anything that you have shared with her? If so, that is information to build on and extrapolate from. Remember one thing … if your third date results in sex and she remains closed off afterward, she’s trying to keep you off balance to maintain your interest. If she’s not worth that investment, cut her loose.  Dr. K

Featured topic: DEALING WITH THE UNEXPECTED

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,

I recently went out for some drinks with a few of my friends when I met this super hot girl. We hung out and talked most of the night, all the while she was very flirtatious and touchy. I was into her and she seemed into me so I made my move and to my surprise I was shot down. Not sure what to do next I made some awkward small talk and then we parted ways. Was I getting mixed signals or did I just supply this girl with a night full of free drinks?  Bruised Ego

Dear Bruised Ego
Wouldn’t life be easier if bar encounters came with cartoon thought bubbles? Then we would KNOW that the other person is reading the situation the same way that we are. I cannot give you a precise answer to your question because I don’t know what your move was or exactly how hot girl shot you down. But I can explain the nonverbal dynamics between the two of you. The easy interpretation is “your move” was a turn off–too-much-too-soon, amateurish, or creepy from her point of view. And it is highly likely that your move is not as great as you think because guys who have awesome moves do not waste money buying women drinks. Now, let’s explore why you were surprised that hot girl did not respond positively to your big move. Your positive regard for Ms. Hottie blinded you to the reality of why super hot girls go to bars unescorted. Hot girls go to bars for free drinks from regular guys and fun with hotter guys. They wait for Mr. Okay Guy who is willing to run a tab for them to approach and laugh and smile until better prospects come along, he runs out of money or he runs her off with some cheesy move. You were so busy looking for cues/signs validating what you wanted to happen (i.e., she’s into me) that you missed the signs indicating what was really going on (i.e., she was just using you). If you still have faith in “your move,” let me suggest that you make it BEFORE you buy women drinks. You’ll either get lucky faster or leave bars with more money.  Dr. K

Featured topic: GETTING TO KNOW YOU

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K

I just met my dorm mate for the first time and i noticed the familiar shape of a lacrosse stick in the corner of the room. I’m encouraged by the apparent same interests, however i also noticed a campaign “vote for” button on his backpack in support of the total opposite end of the political spectrum from myself. Will birds of a feather flock together? Or will opposites attract?  College Freshman

College Freshman
You’ll never know the answer to either question unless you dive in and ask your new roommate some questions and offer some information about yourself as well. It is not at all unusual for friends to agree on some topics and disagree on others or have a lot to share about one or a couple of subjects while other subjects are completely off limits. Moving from strangers to acquaintances to friends requires a little risk. But given the fact that you guys will be living together, it’s probably worth it. Besides, you’re gonna see this guy in his shorts from time to time. How uncomfortable could a conversation about politics be in light of that?  Dr. K

Featured topic: BLAME 2

Let’s get to some questions ….

Dr. K,

I’ve lived next door to a physician and his wife for about ten years now. I know a few people that go to him, and they say he provides great care. He also volunteers at a free health clinic once a month.  Last Saturday night I heard his wife screaming and yelling at him. I listened for a while, and when I glanced out my window, I saw the doctor shove her. They were out working in the yard Sunday afternoon, and things seemed ok. I think she just went overboard and made him mad. Maybe she was drinking or something. It scares me, should I do anything?  Concerned neighbor

Concerned neighbor
Well … whether or not you should do something depends on what you want to do and why. Do you want to go next door, introduce yourself to your neighbors and mediate a problem that does not involve you? OR, do you want to call the cops and have the good doctor or his wife arrested because you THINK he is abusive or she is a lush? Couples fight and the more dependent/committed the relationship, the more heated those fights can become. Every little flare up isn’t a cry for help. Besides, it’s not like you hear them fight like this every night. Given that there did not seem to be any lasting unrest or subsequent conflict, doing something now might cause more harm than good. I can tell that you want to be a good neighbor and do the right thing. For now, that means keeping your eyes/ears open and keeping your mouth shut.  Dr. K

Featured topic: WELCOME BACK TO SCHOOL

The Mindset List for the Class of 2016

For those who cannot comprehend that it has been 18 years since this year’s entering college students were born, they should recognize that the next four years will go even faster, confirming the authors’ belief that “generation gaps have always needed glue.”

1. They should keep their eyes open for Justin Bieber or Dakota Fanning at freshman orientation.
2. They have always lived in cyberspace, addicted to a new generation of “electronic narcotics.”
3. The Biblical sources of terms such as “Forbidden Fruit,” “The writing on the wall,” “Good Samaritan,” and “The Promised Land” are unknown to most of them.
4. Michael Jackson’s family, not the Kennedys, constitutes “American Royalty.”
5. If they miss The Daily Show, they can always get their news on YouTube.
6. Their lives have been measured in the fundamental particles of life: bits, bytes, and bauds.
7. Robert De Niro is thought of as Greg Focker’s long-suffering father-in-law, not as Vito Corleone or Jimmy Conway.
8. Bill Clinton is a senior statesman of whose presidency they have little knowledge.
9. They have never seen an airplane “ticket.”
10. On TV and in films, the ditzy dumb blonde female generally has been replaced by a couple of Dumb and Dumber males.
11. more

Featured topic: HAPPY SHARK WEEK!

Featured topic: CAREER GOALS

Lets get to your questions ….

I am 19 years old, I’ll be 20 in September. I will graduate from my Community College next year in June. I have to find a full time job because my part time job sucks. The employees are ridiculous or else I would just become a full time worker there. My plan has always been to work full time for 2 years after I graduate from college. So that I could earn some extra money. I am my parents only child, my brother is dead. My mother keeps holding me back, she doesn’t want me to leave just yet. I can’t wait any longer, I’m almost 20. My father has no problem with me leaving in 2 years. I want to leave by 22, and my mother keeps saying that it’s to soon. She’s not understanding that it takes 4 years to get a bachelors degree. I’ll be spending four years trying to get my associates because I have to redo last semester and I’ll be finished in december and graduation is in june.

I have always said that I would leave home (I live in the Caribbean) by 22 and by the time I get my bachelors I’ll be 26 because I don’t plan to have the same problems I had in trying to get my associates. So I don’t plan to stay longer than four years. I’m contemplating on whether or not I should get a bachelors because I am an aspiring entrepreneur, novelist and cosmetologist. People keep telling me that I don’t need to go to college to be an entrepreneur I only need money and a good idea, I know this, but I want training, I want to be an entrepreneurship major, get the proper training and be on a good start. I have always had a passion for writing so I’ve decided to pursue it and become a novelist. I’ve also been told that I don’t need to go to college for this, but I think the training will do me good and my entrepreneurial endeavour will be a salon and spa and that’s why I want to study cosmetology. At least it’ll start off as a salon and spa and plan to do other things in my future business.  Is it wrong for me to work for two years to earn some money and then leave home at 22?

In my head this plan is back firing because I want to be married and have a kid by 30. In total I will pursue business and writing at the same university at the same time and do a double major and then when I graduate I will do cosmetology for a year, which means I’ll be 28. My only hindrance is I’m trying to figure out if I should get a masters degree. and If I do, it will have to be in another field of business wouldn’t it? Do people have masters degrees in entrepreneurship? or Does it make sense to have a masters in entrepreneurship? Isn’t it better to have a master’s degree in another field?
If I pursue a masters degree that’ll mean I’ll be 29. In my head I know I have to set aside money to start my business and I always said I would get an office job for a permanent job to raise capital for my business but maybe in my plan I should try to at least publish my first book in my 20′s.  Is my plan unreasonable or unattainable?  Sapphire

Sapphire
You seem to have alot of timed goals. Move out of the house by 22; be married and have a kid by 30; publish your first book in your 20s. You also have alot of interests (notice that I didn’t say “plans”). I’m not going to say that your goals are unattainable because they sound more like 19 year old dreams than plans for a future. You want to own your own business but you do not have marketable expertise/skills in anything. You want to be married and have a kid by 30, but you haven’t mentioned any prospects for a husband/father. You talk about writing a book but you don’t sound like you’ve experienced enough to have anything to say that someone would publish. I’m certain that your mother has taken note of this and that’s the reason why she wants you to stay at home. I think that getting a full-time job and moving out by 22 is a good idea. It will give you a sense of independence and an opportunity to be responsible for yourself before you have to become responsible for someone else. You do not need an advanced degree to own your own business or to become an author. However you might want some assistance learning how to make a business plan, market yourself, and manage money and employees. In order to become a published author, you need luck and to write ALOT. Start with a blog and see if you can get a following. PRACTICE your craft to develop expertise. Do your friends’ hair and/or nails and post pictures of your creations on facebook if cosmetology really is your thing. Then go to school to get certified. Dreams become reasonable when you devise a realistic plan for achieving them–not by setting arbitrary temporal deadlines.  Dr. K

Featured topic: HAPPY 4th of JULY!

Featured topic: BRISTOL PALIN

Check out the review of her new reality show.  It’s a trip!

Featured topic: ACHIEVEMENT

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,

How should I feel about this?  I am a General Business Administration Major at my community college, in the Caribbean. I have spent the past three years there. On average the students spend three years, even though it’s a two year college. I was trying to graduate this semester but I was unsuccessful. I now have the lowest GPA I’ve ever had in my life and at the college.  Should I feel disappointed that I have to wait another year to graduate? I do not have to pay tuition because the government in my territory pays for all its belongers to attend college. I have not taken advantage of this. I am a very hard worker.  I’ve been struggling with Math my whole life but it’s gotten worse at each academic level I attend, i.e. in High School and now College. in Primary school (elementary), even though I struggled I had an A in report.  I think my biggest fear, is that my aunts will compare us [me and my cousin] and I can’t deal with that. They’ll say we went to college the same time and she has gone ahead of me. Some of them understand and don’t look at it like it’s the end of the world, I just hope that the rest of them understand as well.  I do apologise for this long drawn out question. I really hope that you can advise me, on this deep rooted issue that I have.  Sapphire

Sapphire

That is quite the life history. The short answer to your question is, don’t feel disappointed that you have to wait longer to graduate. Waiting affords you the luxury of devoting more time to a difficult subject and feeling a greater sense of accomplishment when you do well. The longer answer to your question is, in 10 years NO ONE will care that it took one more year to graduate especially if you achieve great things in those ten years. Take me for example. I was a horrible undergraduate student. At one point, my GPA for the semester was 0.7. My parents were not happy with my “progress” because I was a great student in high school and both of them had their Ph.Ds. It was a challenging time for us and not all of their encouragement was positive. But we got through it. And, here I am many years later with a Ph.D., working as a tenured professor at a growing four year university, and giving advice on my blog. My mom and dad are proud of me and my accomplishments now. I knew then that they loved me, but I appreciate it more now because I put forth the effort to live up to their expectations. Right now it is normal to feel disappointed and to dread the negative encouragement that you may receive from family members. Just remember, it doesn’t last forever. Stay focused on your goals and know that your family loves you … “math challenged” and all.  Dr. K

Featured topic: PUSH GIRLS

CHECK OUT PUSH GIRLS

It’s Sex in the City … on wheels!

Thanks Chadwick!

Featured topic: MORE ROOMMATE ISSUES

Let’s get to your questions ….  Be nice NC followers.

So I possibly could be living with a bi-sexual roommate next year, and that bothers me. I’ve tried to talk to the person about it, but every time I try I get shut down. What do you think is this cause of this interpersonal conflict?

Well … it depends. What exactly have you been trying to talk to your roommate about? Have you been trying to discuss the origins of his/her bisexuality? Have you been trying to debate the morality of her/his bisexuality? Have you been trying to share how much you DON’T KNOW about bisexuality? Have you been trying to brainstorm ways your roommate can hide his/her bisexuality from your friends and family? If someone was trying to engage me in a conversation about how much me being me bothers him/her, I would avoid that little chat as well.  Dr. K

Featured topic: BETRAYAL 2

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K recently I’ve felt very lonely…people who I thought were my best friends turned out to not be who I thought they were. They betrayed me, and have made me feel useless. This has caused me a lot of distress because I did everything with them. I know that XXXX is a huge school but I’ll be seeing these friends all the time..there is NO escaping seeing them. I have applied to other schools and I am thinking about transferring. I don’t want to transfer because of a group of friends…but I don’t know any other option. I just want you opinion of what you would do, and keep in mind no matter what I will see these friends everyday, unless I leave the school.  Don’t know what to do

Dear “Don’t know what to do”
I’m sorry that you feel lonely because your friends betrayed you. BUT, as much as you do not want to see them again, switching schools isn’t the answer. You are at XXXX to get an education not to maintain a specific circle of friends. I wish that I could offer you some magical tip that would make your loneliness go away, but I’m afraid that all I have is something cliche. Give it time. You may never reach a time where you forgive and forget the betrayal, but time will give you some distance from the hurt and lonely feelings. In the meantime, find other things to do and other people to hang out with. Seize the opportunity to become more focused on school, take on a volunteer project, or join a campus organization. Use the time that you use to invest in that friendship and invest it in ways to enrich your life. You know … this might be the ideal time to study abroad or become a national exchange student (attend another school in the country for 1-2 semesters). It will give you the physical distance that you seem to crave and allow you to improve yourself in a meaningful way.  Dr. K

Featured topic: ROOMMATE ISSUES

Let’s get to your questions ….

I have a roommate who always thinks she is right. Whenever I approach her about being wrong she always shuts me out. She will go as far to go home for the weekend. Why do you think she is doing this. I know that she is choosing the avoiding method for conflicts, but since she keeps running away I don’t know what to do?

Forgive me or being blunt, but who likes being told they’re wrong? Seriously, what result do you want from this conversation? If you just want to point out every time she’s wrong, put a note under her pillow or in her backpack. If you what to lecture her on how she needs to be more open to other people’s opinions and perspectives, I’d rethink that conversation. Certainly your roommate doesn’t want to hear information that contradicts her image of herself. But by leaving, your roommate may be sparing you the tongue lashing that she readily bestows upon others who point out her flaws. I would keep my mouth shut … and invest in pillow stationery.  Dr. K

Featured topic: MORE CONFLICT

Let’s get back to your questions ….

Dr. K.,
What do you think are three key ways or styles of communicating that will improve conflict management within a romantic relationship.  Trahern

Trahern
There are only two ways to address conflict in a romantic relationship context–deal with it or avoid it. A LOT of romantic arguments are not worth having. NOT because they are over unimportant issues, but because you are likely to say something hurtful that should not have been said. Learn to pick your battles. When necessary, short circuit the fight by changing the subject or just giving in. Recognize the difference between your partner needing to work something out with you and your partner just wanting your attention. On the occasions that you need to deal with the issue, you can stand your ground or problem solve. Sometimes you need to put your foot down with your partner. Don’t be mean about it–just be firm about the limits of your flexibility. On other occasions, you need to collaborate with your partner. Here’s a tip. If the issue only effects you, stand your ground. If it effects both of you, work it out together.  Dr. K

Featured topic: EASTER HUMOR

Featured topic: SEXUAL COERCION

Instead of taking a question this week, I think I’ll ask one.

Research suggests that date rapists plan on seduction, not rape.  Hence, this form of sexual coercion is opportunistic–the “right person” (sexually aggressive and determined) did the “right thing” (presented a level of coercion not usually encountered in dating) to the “right victim” (easily frightened or inebriated).

Assume the following situation:  boy and girl get drunk on a third date and decide to go back to the boy’s apartment for a little “touch and tickle.”  Upon entering, the girl takes off all of her clothes, hops in the boy’s bed and announces, “but we’re not going to have sex.”  The boy joins her in bed and, after some mock resistance, the two have sex.  Could this situation be interpreted in a way that characterizes the girl as the seducer/rapist and the boy as the victim?  Why or why not?

Featured topic: JEALOUSY VERSUS ENVY

Let’s get to your questions ….

Jealousy and Envy seem to have inner weaving definitions and characteristics, but the text, The Dark Side of Close Relationships, asserts that despite the interweaving the two are mutually exclusive emotions. I think, even though they can be “technically” defined separately they will almost always accompany each other in scenarios which involve people one knows personally. For example, I have a girlfriend who seemingly had a wonderful marriage to a loving husband. To me it seemed that she had herself on the right track; house, dogs, husband, education, etc. Shamefully, I was very envious of her, because not only did I have none of those things at the time, but I never had those accomplishments. Jealousy is supposed to accompany a feeling of fear and threatening. Though it may seem that this friend threatened me in no way, in a sense her life was very threatening. The envy prompted the feeling of jealousy, because she passively threatened my self image. The world sees women who are married as being more accomplished and womanly. For some reason a married woman commands more respect than an unmarried woman. Among friends, in the work force, and other areas of society. My question Dr. K is, was I legitimately feeling jealousy in this situation, as it is defined in the text, and can jealousy and envy ever be mutually exclusive when dealing with close relationships?  Shauna

Shauna
The question here is “do you accept textbook definitions of jealousy and envy or do you continue to embrace the everyday, layman’s understanding of these terms?” Remember, according to the textbook, envy is desiring something you don’t have and jealousy is the fear of losing something that you already possess. If the former, the two are separate; if the latter, the two are connected. As to your specific situation, I don’t see how envy created jealousy UNLESS your married friend’s life causes you to be afraid of losing the high social status that you have achieved as a single person. As you have stated, society says your status is lower, so in the Real World, you haven’t lost any status because you never had it. However, in your head, you were equal if not superior to her. And when Real World social pressures threatened your view of yourself, you became afraid that you were living a lie. If you want to blame your married friend and social norms for bursting your bubble–fine, your envy of her lead to jealousy. I just think that’s ALOT of work to justify feeling bad about being single at that point in your life.  Dr. K

Featured topic: GAY MARRIAGE

I never intended to be political on this website, but I feel compelled to get on my soapbox about this topic.  I don’t understand why this upsets so many people. What is the objection to two consenting adults wanting to commit themselves to each other formally in marriage?  I found a website that offers arguments and quotes pro and con the issue.  It’s pretty good.  It didn’t change my mind–I still believe that anti gay marriage legislation is wrong.  But it gave me a greater awareness of the opinions counter to my own.

I think it’s sad that some heterosexuals NEED to feel that their committed unions are superior to committed homosexual unions.  Civil unions are not equal to marriage legally, socially or psychologically.  Arguing for something inferior to what you have for someone else is discriminatory.  And I get the religious/moral argument, but marriage is a social institution validated by religion–not the other way around.  Marriage was invented to legitimize sex and verify inheritance; NOT to promote procreation.  If procreation is the litmus test for marriage, heterosexuals who cannot conceive or don’t want children should not be allowed to marry either.

Featured topic: LOST LOVE

Let’s get to your questions ….

Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?  Just Curious

I’ve always thought that saying was a crock of sh*t.  From a philosophical point of view, I suppose it is better to experience the euphoria of love and the security of being loved no matter how fleeting than never to know them.  But from a communication point of view, I know that it is good to experience the end of an intimate relationship.  You learn how to feel alive being single again, how to correct and forgive mistakes made by you and your ex, and how to walk out of someone else’s life without destroying that person.  Dr. K

Featured topic: GOSSIP 2

Let’s get to your questions ….

I work in the restaurant business and have noticed that gossip is a prime way of communication among managers and employees. While service to the customers is always the main focus, gossip throughout the restaurant has definitely become another key element of every work day. In a recent conversation, I was told (although I didn’t care to hear it) some compromising information about an employee’s future with the company. This issue was already dealt with by managers the day before, and the employee’s job was safe for the time being. However, the other employees continued to gossip about this employee getting fired with extreme exaggeration, although the issue had already been resolved. So, why is it that people tend to override the definite facts and listen to the gossip, even if this so-called ‘juicy information’ is far from the truth and actually old news?  Lacey

Lacey
Everybody loves a good story. And adding to the characters in a story or the action is the easiest way to attract listeners when that story has been told a million times before. Given that gossip is valued and normative at your workplace, it is not surprising that a story about someone everybody knows “still has legs.” If everybody knows the real story and accepts the embellishments as harmless fun, then there is no actual problem. But, if the add-ons become malicious and/or compromise customer service, the gossip will need to stop.  Dr. K

Featured topic: MISUNDERSTANDINGS

Let’s get to your questions ….

We have a friend named ‘Jake’ and he is a great guy and a hard worker and he loves his kids. But when he gets drunk, he’s totally a different person. He talks a lot as it is, but when he is drunk, it is non-stop. He gets angry and violent and we usually end up having to either choke or knock him out to get him to stop. We have showed him videos of himself when he is like that and we have talked to him while sober and while drunk and its as if his level of misunderstanding is beyond the typical. The question is: is he misunderstaning the fact that we are trying to help him? Or is he just not listening? He also does get it when we don’t invite him to social functions, he thinks its not fair to leave him out, again is he misunderstaning, or just that stupid?  David

I like this question because it is a true interpersonal COMMUNICATION question. Your friend is not stupid because he is not interacting with himself–he is behaving in relation to someone else (i.e., you or your friends). It is actually more accurate to say that ALL of you are stupid because you are repeating the same pattern of ineffective behavior. Talking to Jake or showing him video of himself afterward isn’t the answer, nor is choking or knocking him out once he’s drunk. The key is to understand how he gets to the point of obnoxious drunk. What part are you and your friends playing in this dynamic? Are you guys inviting him to social functions where the alcohol is flowing? Does someone hand him a beer or show him the bar when he arrives? Are you telling him not to get drunk or act like an asshole when YOU are half drunk and talking loud? Do you laugh at some of the stuff he does while he’s buzzed but not drunk? The point I’m trying to make is, what is the pattern of behavior or talk that leads to “Jake the Obnoxious Drunk,” and what can you do to break this pattern? You said that he gets it when you don’t invite him to social functions. Fine–try inviting him to parties where NO alcohol is served. Let him get a feel for having fun without alcohol. But don’t treat this as a quick fix. Don’t think that Jake being good at a no alcohol party means you can reward him with an invite to a party where alcohol is served. If alcohol is the trigger to bad behavior, you must be willing to exclude it from ALL social functions with Jake FOREVER.  Dr. K

Featured topic: STALKING 2

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,

One of the issues with ORI that I find most interesting is where the line should be drawn between persistence and obsession. One of my friends, let’s call him George, illustrates the potential problem. He has been pursuing a woman for over a year now, and shows no sign of losing interest despite her dating other guys. None of her relationships last very long, never more than a couple of months, and when she isn’t dating someone else she does flirt with George quite a bit. When she is dating another man, George acts jealous and he gets annoying rather quickly. He does stupid things like call her all day long to find out where she is or if she’s with the “other guy”, he gives her gifts (usually with a sappy card talking about how much he loves her even if she doesn’t love him back), sometimes he even follows her so that he can ‘accidentally’ bump into her while she’s out.

I’ve tried telling him that his behavior is creepy and borderline, if not outright, stalking at times, but he insists it’s just him “not giving up on her”. He doesn’t act this way when she’s single, but she pays more attention to him then… it’s only when she has another guy that she tells George to leave her alone. I’ve even tried telling him (and so have others) that he bothers her (in the long run) and that she’s just using him as a stand-in sort of boyfriend when she doesn’t have someone she likes better, but he’s still convinced that she’s just playing hard to get.

So does this situation still count as an example of ORI? She definitely has told him to cool it, even if she’s more receptive at other times, so it seems to me he should just stop his pursuit entirely. Or is he right that this is somehow the makings of a romantic, ‘tell the grandkids someday’, story of how he never gave up on ‘true love’?  Chrisey

Chrisey
The criterion for stalking generally lies with the victim–does she feel that George is intruding on her privacy? Given the hot and cold nature of her interactions with George, it would seem as though she sees him as more persistent than a stalker. Additionally, George behaves more like an unrequited lover than a stalker. His pursuit tactics seem constant rather than escalating and he sounds emotionally hopeful rather than angry or theatening. Stalkers tend to ‘imagine’ encouragement from their victims–they read acknowledgements of love into every positive or negative encounter with their victims. George isn’t imagining encouragement; he’s getting it from his lady friend. If doing what he’s doing gets her some of the time, it’s reasonable for him to assume trying harder will get her fulltime. I agree with you, she’s using him as her cuddle bitch. When he grows tired of playing that role, you will discover how much of a stalker he is inclined to be.  Dr. K

Featured topic: UNREQUITED LOVE

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr K,

I understand the relationship in which there is a would-be lover and a rejector. But in the situation where there is a married man, and single woman who equally like/love each other, is it still unrequited love? If so how? The married man is not technically a rejector per the books definition because he likes/loves the woman just as much.  Ashley

Ashley
Definitions are not taffy, but I think that an affair with a married man could be considered as unrequited love because it is a situation in which one person wants a romantic relationship but the other cannot commit to it by choice or circumstance. Mutual feelings of love notwithstanding, technically Mr. Married Man is still the rejector because he cannot commit to his lover until he gets a divorce. When most people think of unrequited love, they think of someone secretly pining away for another. A better description of the dynamic would be someone quietly managing his/her uncertainty about a romantic relationship with another person. That is, someone who knows what to do to win the heart of the object of her/his affection, but will not accept the futility of those efforts. Mistresses by definition are ladies in waiting. Waiting for Mr. Married Man to call. Waiting for Mr. Married Man to break off an hour of personal time for dinner with her in some out of the way location. Waiting for Mr. Married Man to get his finances in order, or his children out of the house, or his parents to die, or the sky to fall so that he can get a divorce and the two of them can be together forever. She knows what to do to keep Mr. Marred Man happy, but she won’t accept that he’s just stringing her along. Unrequited lovers are content to settle for what they can get relationally rather than pursue what they deserve.  Dr. K

Featured topic: CODEPENDENCE

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,

One of my closest friends is dating a man who has major depression. When they first met, he was happy and everything went smoothly for the first 6 months or so. After a while he became despondent and did not see any joy in life. She loves him so much but he refuses to take any medication or seek counseling for his depression. He does not think he has a problem and sees this as a normal reaction to his problems. She does not see any real reason for his depression. This has been going on for about six months. She wants to help him. He has even threatened suicide. She is worried and does not want to see him sent to an institution. He does not have any health insurance. His depression seems to be taking over her life as well. She does not want to leave him at this low point. How can she show she cares for him and not become/stay entangled in a codependent relationship?  Shannon

Shannon
Your friend has an interesting problem. She wants to help someone who does not seem to think he needs it. Because he has not sought treatment, I’m wondering if he’s really “clinically depressed” or just a negative person who faked happiness for 6 months. At this point, I don’t think your friend is in danger of becoming codependent because her boyfriend isn’t acting “needy.” That is, he doesn’t seem to be acting less depressed when she’s nice to him or more depressed when she’s not paying attention to him. Your friend needs to realize that she cannot “fix” her boyfriend–she cannot control his depression with her behavior and should not try. Her job is to encourage him to get help (free mental heathcare is available) and not let his negativity rub off on her. Hanging out with negative people WILL make you less happy.  Dr. K

Featured topic: BRAIN TEASERS

There were no questions this week so I decided to post this overlooked goodie from my archives.

TAKE THE IDIOT TEST

It’s ALOT of fun!!!!!

Featured topic: GOSSIP

Let’s get to your questions ….

What is the difference between telling a secret and gossip?  Just curious

Good question, Just curious. Most people think of gossip as telling something bad about another person. But that’s not necessarily true–you can gossip about good news as well. Both are violations of privacy, and both can result in feelings of betrayal. The main difference between the two is the teller’s right to share that information. Secrets are negotiated. X tells Y information while establishing terms for any subsequent telling of that information. No such agreement exists for gossip. Thus, A may be upset with B if she discovers that B is gossiping about her. But, X will be more angry with Y for telling the secret because both agreed that the information would not be shared.  Dr. K

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Funny New Year Resolutions

Check out these funny and innovative New Year’s Resolutions! Enjoy these and make some for yourself…Surely you will enjoy!!

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.
I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly….
I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mails to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than “password.”
I will not tell the same story at every get together.
I won’t worry so much.
I will cut my hair.
I will grow my hair.
I will stop considering other people’s feelings when they so obviously don’t consider mine – if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I’ll tell him he stinks!
I will be more imaginative.
I will not hang around girls – they think you love them and that sucks.
I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

The holiday season is not a time to give advice to communication problems. It’s a time to celebrate. So let’s do ….

12 Days of Christmas, The 1990s

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note.)
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
ONE — Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Featured topic: MEAT AND BREAD

Let’s get to your questions ….

Sooo.. Dr. K
I am recently single and one of the girls I work with (my manager) has always had a thing for me (even before becoming my manager), so the other night, slightly drunk we had sex and she even clarified that we are friends. The sex continued for a few days because we were both just “down” …so… she left for the mountains for a couple days and another girl that I work with was coming on strong and in “the weakness of man” took her on a date, sealed the deal, and ended up sleeping with her and we have been having sex the past couple of days and everything is cool.. UNTIL the manager comes back today and found out that I have been sleeping with one of the other employees because of this girl AKA “that girl” AKA dumb random bitch that talks about everyone’s business behind their backs and is liked by nobody.. told the manager that she had seen the girl leave with me after work one night. SO manager texts me last night and is like ” we are done” “im tired of these stupid games” this morning i get the apology text and then she says” I just don’t understand you” “where is your head at”…. OBVIOUSLY im the dumbass that had sex with the woman that makes my schedule and dictates everything.. BAD DECISION.. but it has been made.. Soo.. I like the new girl.. thought it was “just sex” with the manager. WHY CANT IT EVER BE JUST SEX?? anyways How do i deal with my manager to keep things cool? FML and HELLLP!!  Dumbass dude

Dumbass dude,
If I’ve said it once, I’ve saiid it a thousand times–don’t get your meat where you make your bread. It can’t “just be sex” because people who “have a thing for you” don’t “just have sex” with you. I bet your manager gave you the friend line after you two had sex. If so, she did it so that she could ask for a repeat session and you would not get weirded out–or worse, claim sexual harassment. That’s why she sent you the apology text also. You need to come clean with both women. Tell the manager that you thought it was “just sex” and want to move on with the new girl. Then tell the new girl that you slept with the manager but that’s over and you want to move on with her. After you do this, DO NOT flirt or act overly friendly with the manager. Over means over–don’t give AKA “that girl” something to cause confusion about. Also, DON’T flaunt your new relationship in front of your manager. That’s just mean. And if she retaliated, you’d deserve it.  Dr. K

Featured topic: STALKING

Let’s get to your questions ….

I have a friend, Kristi, who is one of the nicest and most kind hearted people, but because of her insecurities she ends up in relationships where she wants way more than they do, way too quickly. She cannot let go even if they tell her point blank that they don’t want to be with her anymore. She will persist until she gets a reaction that makes her even more upset. She calls multiple times a night, until they change their phone numbers or block her number. She does drive-by’s near their houses, work places and most recently confronted an ex and his new girlfriend at cracker barrel. She shows up at their front door crying and begging to be taken back, pushing these guys further and further away. She has even done drive by’s of an ex’s wedding almost three years after they broke up. How can I tell her that she doesn’t need to act like the crazy psycho ex girlfriend that everyone dreads having? How can she have a happier ending without the dramatics? She is better than this stereotype and needs to learn that she can be happy as an individual after a breakup without the stalking behaviors.  L

L, I think that Kristi is in serious need of professional help. But you know that. The problem is, Kristi doesn’t. The first step to fixing a problem is to recognize that you have one. Kristi seems to have attachment issues–she acts like “being a couple” is the only way that she can feel whole when in reality she just feels more secure belonging to someone. Her behavior indicates that she thinks interaction (no matter how negative) beyond the break up means that she is still in a gf/bf relationship. I bet she makes excuses for the polite rebuffs and casts herself as the victim when the rejection is far less ambiguous. I bet that she stalks an ex until she meets a new guy. If that is the case, Kristi needs to spend some time alone. REALLY ALONE. That means, spending time with herself, friends and/or family NOT stalking or contacting an ex or looking for a new guy. She needs to realize that having a bf does not make her a better person and it won’t help her like herself more. She needs to appreciate her positive qualities and the social benefits that they provide for her separate from how they benefit a bf. If you can help her do all of that, she may be in a better position to enjoy bf/gf relationships and accept the eventual break ups.  Dr. K

Featured topic: CULTURE SHOCK

Let’s get to your question ….

Dear Dr.K                                                                                                                                                I am currently a freshman at UNCW. I live in Galloway hall on the fifth floor. I am having a difficult time adjusting to all of the freedom college life has given me. I come from a very strict conservative family. I am used to having a curfew and chores. At school I have a lot more freedom. It seems like everyone in the dorm goes out every night or stays up super late. I want to fit it, but I am having a hard time adjusting. Am I alone on this? and why do I feel like this way?  Jenni

Dear Jenni
I asked my Advanced IC class about your situation and they assured me that you are not alone feeling a bit out of place. You are in a new environment and encountering a new group of people with customs different from your own. The run of the mill advice to people with your problem is “when in Rome, do as the Romans do” to fit in. However, that advice assumes that there is only one type of Roman behavior to follow. My students tell me that Galloway has the reputation for being the “party hall.” But that does not mean that there are only party people living there. Seek out other students with conservative values and hang out with them. I’m not suggesting that you need to close yourself off to having fun or enjoying certain carefree aspects of college life. I’m saying find folks who share your sense of when it’s time to play and when it’s time to work–students who are serious about their education AND can appreciate staying up late talking or watching a movie to relax once a week or so rather than getting drunk downtown or hooking up every night. If you are shy about meeting people, understand that those who project good values and personal habits often attract others of similar kind. Fitting in should not mean abandoning who you are to be like others; it means feeling comfortable with people who are like you. Besides, next semester half of those party people won’t be back.   Dr. K

Featured topic: SECRETS AND LIES

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,                                                                                                                                                   One of my best friends (“Nicole”) recently got pregnant and married to her partner (“Adam”). They have been together for a year, and before that she dated her previous boyfriend (“Alex”) for 2 years. Nicole and Alex had a very unhealthy relationship, and she had to move away in order to completely end it. After she moved, she started dating Adam, and Alex got arrested. He is in prison for the next 5 years. Nicole and Adam got pregnant and decided to get married. I was part of her wedding, and on her wedding day she was talking about her ex, Alex. She still writes him over the prison e-mail and it seems like she hasn’t gotten over him yet. Her husband, Adam, has no idea. Should she be open with Adam about her communication with her ex, or keep it a secret? Considering Adam hates Alex and knows how badly he treated Nicole, it would be a huge problem in their relationship. Or should she end communication with Alex completely? Thanks for the help.  Illegal Love

Dear Illegal Love,
Wow, this is a tuffy. Should I hurt or lie to my wonderful husband and soon-to-be father of my child or should I remain hung up on my abusive ex-boyfriend who’ll be in jail for the foreseeable future? I can see why Nicole can’t make a decision. Look, I’m a firm believer in letting sleeping dogs lie. ALL of them. Nicole doesn’t need to tell Alex anything if there is nothing to tell. That means, stop talking to or about Alex. He’s poison and a jailbird. Remind her that she had to uproot her life once before to get away from him. She has a good relationship with Adam now–why try to fix a bad one from her past? The real issue on my mind is, will Alex try to cause confusion once he’s out of jail–does he have incentive? And how will Adam feel if he finds out about jailhouse chats with Adam? My best advice on those matters is to wait until Alex gets out of jail and cross that bridge when/if it comes.  Dr. K

Featured topic: CONFLICT 2

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,

HELP! My friend told me about your column and I really need some advice. I have been dating this guy, Brad, for about three years now. We are both graduating in the Spring and already have jobs lined up after graduation. Not to sound cheesy but I know he is the one for me and we have already started talking about getting married. We come from very different families and we have both come to love and accept each other’s backgrounds despite our differences. I am a Christian and he isn’t, but he doesn’t mind the fact that I am or that I want to raise my children as Christians. Now to the problem… my family. I come from a pretty conservative and religious background and I am known as the “liberal” one in the family. I have always been honest with my parents (especially my mom) about my opinions, plans, and pretty much everything else. They have always been supportive of me. However, whenever I bring up the fact that Brad and I want to get married, all hell breaks loose. It pretty much turns into a huge fight between my mom and I and ends up with one of us walking away so we have chosen to simply avoid the topic. It is very important to me that I have my parents’ blessing but it just seems like it is never going to happen. I feel like we will never agree on the subject and I don’t know what to do. I have tried talking to her calmly about my feelings but even if it starts out calm, it ends up…well not. What should I do?  Lost and In Love

Lost and In Love
Let’s take a giant step backwards. What are you and your mother arguing about? Is your mother afraid that Brad will cause you to abandon your faith and you will burn in hell for all eternity? Or, does your mother want you to understand the difficulty of making a marriage work when the husband and wife are “unevenly yoked?” Are you trying to get your mother to accept that your faith is only part of who you are? Or, do you think that your mother is using the faith objection as an excuse for not liking Brad? Philosophical debates about the role of faith in marital satisfaction will never get resolved. Conflict over honoring rituals like baptisms/christenings, church every Sunday, and/or watching in the New Year should be resolved. Find out what is the real problem. Avoidance and withdrawal can be useful in a conflict situation, but most often they are seen as manipulative strategies for winning an argument. They tend to breed resentment because they short circuit the process of solving the problem. You cannot get married without your mom–you will regret it forever if you leave her out. Talk to her. Reassure her that marrying Brad is not just a manifestation of “being liberal.” Ask Brad to participate in these discussions. Your mother may be more likely to face her fears in a more civil way if the source is sitting in front of her.  Dr. K

Featured topic: FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr K
My guy friend “Tom” and I met freshman year of high school and have been friends for about 8 years now. During freshman and sophomore year we had a very close platonic relationship. We had a few classes together and often hung out on the weekends. It wasn’t until junior year when he got a girlfriend that I had realized I had developed feelings for him. Of course at that point it was too late to tell him due to the fact that he was in a relationship. We went from spending a lot of time together to barely seeing each other, with the exception of class. Senior year, when he and his girlfriend broke up I began hinting to him my feelings for him but he didn’t make any advancements so I figured he must not feel the same way about me so I moved on. It wasn’t until after graduation that he told me he had had feelings for me during high school, however around this time I was already talking to someone else and my feelings for “Tom” had receded. For the past 3 years we both were in and out of relationships with other people. We talked less and less throughout college due to our relationship statuses. He pretty much disappeared from my life until the other day when he recently texted me telling me he broke up with his girlfriend. Days before his out of the blue text message, the guy I had been talking to asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. “Tom” and I have still been contacting each other about once a week. We plan on meeting up over thanksgiving break for dinner and a few drinks. I know that there are still feelings there between us but I don’t believe either of us are brave enough to act on them. Im not sure whether meeting up with him is a good idea. Should I cancel the meeting and let the friendship fizzle or meet up with him, keep him around and see where it leads?
Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed and Confused,                                                                                                       Been there, done that … a couple of times. Go have dinner with Tom. BUT, think about what you want to happen. You two haven’t seen or talked to each other much in 3 years. And, neither one of you seemed to care. Do you really want your high school pal “Tom” back in your life? Or, do you just want to explore the possibility of “something more” with “Tom?” You can’t do the latter because you have a real boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with someone else. So you are left asking yourself, “Do I really miss having high school pal Tom around?” Are there things that you miss doing with “Tom” that you can’t do with anybody else? Are there things you miss talking about? After all this time, do you feel that he knows you better than anybody else? Do you feel freer to be you with “Tom?” Did “Tom” encourage your relationships with others in the past? Will he encourage your relationship with the new guy? If you can answer YES to these questions, then “Tom” is your friend and true friendships don’t fizzle.
I don’t see a problem with you getting together with a high school chum or chatting with him once or twice a week. Don’t waste time thinking about “what if.” It’s not fair to the new guy and it puts too much pressure on “Tom.”  Dr. K