Featured topic: THE FRIEND ZONE

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,

There is this guy that I work with and he is literally like my favorite person to be around. Whenever we work together, we have such great conversation but I can’t really tell if it’s just for the sake of work or because he’s into me (like I completely am). We talk about our favorite movies, where were from, our favorite songs, but never anything really intimate or personal. I’m not sure if he has a girlfriend because he never told me and I don’t want to weird him out by being nosy. How do I find out what I want without creeping on every website he signed up with a Username and Password? I want things to go further, but I also don’t want to end up with the shortend of the love stick.  I don’t know where I stand

Dear I don’t know where I stand
I know that girls are supposed to be patient and wait for guys to take the lead in situations like these, but I tend to be direct. Since the two of you have discussed favorite movies already, ask him out to something you both like. Whether he says yes or no, gently follow-up with “do you have a girlfriend or someone like that who might be concerned? If so, ask her to join us.” I think this is a low risk strategy because you get to find out what you want to know without sounding like you have some other motive for enjoying his company.  Dr. K

Featured topic: JEALOUSY

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years now, so you would think we would be stable by now, right? Like most relationships, everything started out great but about a year and a half into the relationship he cheated on me. Most of the advice I received at the time was to leave him, because once a cheater always a cheater and our trust was already ruined. But, I have invested a lot into this relationship and I love him too much. I thought that I had gotten over the whole thing after a few months, but I now find myself skeptical of every little thing. He always tells me that he has to go study with some girl in his class or relates hanging out with other girls to school, so it is hard for me to be mad at him because it can’t be his fault, right? He says that all partners are assigned, but I have my doubts as always. I need to know, am I overreacting by attributing the fact that he always has attractive female group partners to the fact that he is incapable of being faithful? Or should I be worried?

Sincerely,
I Think I’m Already Worried

Dear I Think I’m Already Worried
What you should do about your boyfriend depends on how you feel about his original sin and your response to it. What were the circumstances of his infidelity? Did you catch some girl kissing him or did you find out that he seized an opportunity to have sex with someone else? Did you forgive him because you believed in the love that you have for him or to prove to your friends that you did not make a bad boyfriend choice? My advice …. If you truly love your boyfriend and believe the explanation that he gave you for cheating, stop worrying about whom he partners with in class. However, if you want to maintain your dignity in the eyes of your friends, dump that opportunistic sack of crap before he makes a fool of you again.  Dr. K

A Good Cause Gone Bad

 

Don’t Shoot

Howard University students–in memory of Michael Brown

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Featured topic: UNDEFINED RELATIONSHIPS

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr K,
I’ve been with this guy for almost a period of a year. We had been seeing each other a year before that but never dated due to other circumstances. I was always upfront about it and he accepted it. During the time we stopped talking and had no interaction he started seeing one of his ex’s, he told me he was trying to find what we had with her. This was a part of the past where I wasn’t in the picture so I didn’t give any importance to it. Now, this year that we’ve been together (exclusively though without a title) a few months back we had an issue. He told me he was dragged by friends out to a party. I didn’t think anything of it until he confessed it was with that same ex girlfriend and that he wasn’t dragged to the party and before the party they had gotten something to drink at a Starbucks to talk. I have always been honest with him and I was very upset with this. I told him I felt I couldn’t trust him if he kept lying. They have a long history together but when we spoke on that he assured me she meant nothing and that their relationship was meaningless to him. So much so he then told me that he didn’t care to have her as a friend and wouldn’t speak to her anymore, all on his own. I took this and tried to put it out of mind. A few months passed and during a night he slept over I thought he was awake when he began to talk about her. I asked if they had been talking and he admitted it along with other things I knew to be true. All this was him sleep talking but he was not lying. I asked him the same questions when he woke up and he lied about it. It wasn’t until I told him of his sleep talking that he came clean. It was a while before I gave him another chance. This time he stopped talking to her and we continued. More recently we were on a break of a few weeks and we started seeing each other again. I come to find out from him that he’s been not only talking to her but going out to places with her. I feel so disrespected not to mention like I don’t hold the same value as this girl. He wants to work this out but I can’t trust him if this girl is in our lives. Especially since he talks to her about us, he knows I don’t like it. I think I’m justified in giving him an ultimatum to choose between us but I wanted a nonpartisan opinion.  Incredibly Frustrated

Incredibly Frustrated
I’m going to ask you one question and I don’t want you to be offended. Why have you been in a relationship without a title with a guy for a year? I mean, do you both agree whom you are to one another? And, what’s the hold up on making that relationship public? Given the way he has been acting relative to his ex and how his friends have responded to the way he has been acting, nobody sees the two of you as an exclusive couple but you. In my nonpartisan opinion, you are justified in being angry with your boyfriend, but not in giving him an ultimatum. What is he choosing between? She’s an ex and you are nobody. He’s kinda free to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. I can appreciate that you don’t want to be lied to, but he did it because he didn’t want the drama, NOT because he thought he was cheating on you. Remember, you’re nobody and you can’t cheat on nobody. Squash the ultimatum–he knows you’re not going anywhere. Get this guy to admit he’s YOUR BOYFRIEND to you first and everybody else second. Until you get the title straight, you don’t have grounds to demand anything.  Dr. K

Featured topic: GAMES

Which SUPERHERO are you?

Superhero

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Happy July 14th!!

Featured topic: PROUD TO PLAY

Featured topic: BAD BOYFRIENDS

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,                                                                                                                                                         I have been experiencing problems in my relationship with my boyfriend. He is constantly comparing me to what he sees in the media and doesn’t understand the falsity of advertisements. Is there anyway to make him understand that those results are unattainable?  “Emily”

No, dump him. Your boyfriend is not a child; he should know that you cannot believe everything that you see on TV and read in magazines. His standard is a fantasy. And if he is a COM major and does not know that advertisements visually portray life as we want it to be or believe it could be to sell something, then he is too stupid to date.   Dr. K

 

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Good Advice for the Overly Generous

NO--life lesson

Featured topic: LIVING TOGETHER

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr.K ,

I have been dating this guy John for 3 months now and we decided that we would go ahead and move in together. I guess we just figured that would be the best thing to do because we already spend everyday together and have openly said that we love each other. We met at work and typically work at least 3 shifts a week together. I however, also have another job and the girls there have known me for about 5 years and no one seemed to like the idea of us moving in together so “fast.” The girls at the job we share think that it is the best idea ever and just makes sense so we can save some money. I haven’t discussed the topic with my parents much because they are very traditional and anytime I say something my mom just says “mmmhmmm.”
I do absolutely love spending time with John, going to the gym, having dinner dates and doing couple-like things; however lately things have kind of seemed to lose their spark. When I talked to him about it he acted like nothing was different. I decided to be bold and ask him if he was moving in for the convienence of less bills, or if he really did want a future with me. I told him that I felt like we were playing house, but he just laughed and shook his head. Two days later he told me that I was the one and he really wanted to start a life together.. but if that was the case, why do I have a throw up feeling in my stomach?  To Much, Too Fast

Dear Too Much Too Fast,
Needing to ask John the question explains why you feel sick to your stomach. Look, research suggests that you will follow your heart in this matter rather than your head. That is, you will adhere to John’s assurances instead of my logic because he is your boyfriend and I am a stranger in cyberspace. I don’t mean to sound old fashioned, but living together without a formal assurance of marriage (i.e., an engagement ring) can be dangerous. Let’s say you move in together with two names on a lease (or worse, mortgage) and you begin mingling money, like joint bank accounts. Without the shield of marriage, many bad things can happen to you if your significant other grows tired of you and/or household financial obligations, but still wants access to your money and the comfort it brings. Your lease and joint bank accounts tether you to that relationship. Suppose you move in together and the spark fizzles again. If you’re “playing house,” you might consider calling it quits. After all, it was just a trial run. The problem is, “playing house” lacks the commitment of marriage or an engagement, thus you are less motivated to work out problems that ALL young couples experience. You want to know if too much is happening too soon in your relationship? Let me ask you this–would you say “yes” to a marriage proposal after knowing your boyfriend only 3 months? If your answer is “no,” then it’s too soon.  Dr. K

Featured topic: COWORKER CLASH

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K-

I work in a strict corporate environment. I have many bosses above me, many of whom do not even know my name. My direct superior is a female. She is aware of the fact that I have a wife and kids and am happily married. However, she persistently makes sexual advances and jokes towards me at work. Sometimes I go along with these remarks because she IS my boss and the last thing I want to do is get on her bad side. But, honestly its starting to creep me out. What started out as occasional “qwerky” smiles has recently escalated to bold sexual advances. Even though I do find her attractive, my wife and kids mean the world to me and I am not the type to cheat or be unfaithful in any manner. I often tell her that her actions make me uncomfortable and that I would appreciate it if she stopped putting me in these extremely awkward situations. It’s getting to the point where even co-workers are catching on to this unorthodox activity. I always bring my wife to work related events and I am afraid that my wife may misinterpret the relationship with my boss. I have not mentioned the comments to my wife because I don’t know how to present this behavior in a way where she won’t jump to conclusions. I would like advice on how to stop my boss’ behavior. Because she has more credibility, I am sure that my managers would side with her. My boss has the ability to make my time at work very uncomfortable. Im afraid that if I present my claim I will be fired on the spot and I really need this job to support my family. What should I do?  Creeped Out Co-worker

Dear Creeped-Out Co-worker
What your supervisor is doing isn’t technically sexual harassment, but it is close enough. Since you work in a strict corporate environment, go to Human Resources and report your supervisor. HR will handle it from there. If things go according to policy, your supervisor will be reprimanded or asked to attend a diversity workshop or sensitivity training and her contact with you will decrease and become FAR less friendly. And, because she has less contact with you, she may send fewer high profile projects your way. Not because she wants to make your life more complicated but because she will be instructed to maintain a supervisor–supervisee ONLY relationship with you. I understand your desire to make all of the flirting go away without your boss getting mad at you or any of this affecting your work, but that’s not gonna happen. Your boss forgot the golden rule–you can’t get your meat where you make your bread. This is her hardship to overcome, not yours. The kindest thing you can do is not act weird when she starts acting like a boss and not a bitch in heat. And speaking of acting weird … tell your wife what’s going on. You haven’t done anything wrong; stop acting like you have something to hide.  Dr. K

Featured topic: “JUST FRIENDS”

Let’s get to your questions ….

Hi Dr. K,

So my very best guy friend and I have been really close for almost two years now. We met through his sister when he moved to town. We get along so well, have a lot in common and have a blast whenever we were together. I was attracted to him from the beginning, he is handsome, has a great job, is hilarious and we share some of the same passions. A few months into our friendship things became much more coupley and less friend zone. We’d already communicated a lot, but it became texting all day and even until 2am, just grabbing coffee or hanging out at the beach turned into sitting in the coffee shop for hours with his arm around me and going to dinner and movies. We never talked about the changes, but when i went home for christmas it fizzled out. Since then we’ve both dated someone at a point and but broke things off. When he was dating the girl we didn’t spend as much time together, but still hung out. When I was dating a guy, we hung out all the time and he often talked about how I could do much better and was very enthusiastic when I ended things with him. Since then though nothing much has been different, we still spend a lot of time together, but now he’s “talking” to a girl long distance. But he has started to become extremely flirtatious and we spend even more time together. I’m not sure what to do, should I ask him how he feels about me? Or do you think it could mess up or friendship? Should I say something about my feelings? What’s your advice?
Confused Friend

Dear Confused Friend                                                                                                          There’s the answer according to research, and there’s the answer according to my gut. I’m gonna try to combine the two. Before you consider talking to your friend about your feelings, ask yourself what they are. How do you feel about your friend? Don’t think about what HE might feel. What do YOU feel? Do YOU still feel “friendly” toward him or do YOU want more? If you only have friend feelings toward him (that is, if you have to talk yourself into feeling more), do nothing. Just ride the wave of what he wants to give in terms of attention and warmth and consider yourself lucky. If you genuinely want more, do what you do when you want a guy to date you. Drop OBVIOUS hints that you are ready for sex when he gets affectionate and/or that you are “interested” when he pays attention to you. Remember that this is not a game. Very few dating relationships can go back to that pre-dating, friend state. If you want more, he’s no longer your friend. Commit to getting more or move on–JUST LIKE YOU WOULD DO WITH ANY OTHER GUY. But, if you cannot see yourself going through life without your friend, do what you must to keep him as “just a friend.”  Dr. K

Featured topic: SEXUAL HARASSMENT

Lets get to your question ….

Dear Dr. K-

I work in a strict corporate environment. I have many bosses above me, many of whom do not even know my name. My direct superior is a female. She is aware of the fact that I have a wife and kids and am happily married. However, she persistently makes sexual advances and jokes towards me at work. Sometimes I go along with these remarks because she IS my boss and the last thing I want to do is get on her bad side. But, honestly its starting to creep me out. What started out as occasional “qwerky” smiles has recently escalated to bold sexual advances. Even though I do find her attractive, my wife and kids mean the world to me and I am not the type to cheat or be unfaithful in any manner. I often tell her that her actions make me uncomfortable and that I would appreciate it if she stopped putting me in these extremely awkward situations. It’s getting to the point where even co-workers are catching on to this unorthodox activity. I always bring my wife to work related events and I am afraid that my wife may misinterpret the relationship with my boss. I have not mentioned the comments to my wife because I don’t know how to present this behavior in a way where she won’t jump to conclusions. I would like advice on how to stop my boss’ behavior. Because she has more credibility, I am sure that my managers would side with her. My boss has the ability to make my time at work very uncomfortable. Im afraid that if I present my claim I will be fired on the spot and I really need this job to support my family. What should I do?  Creeped Out Co-worker

Dear Creeped-Out Co-worker
What your supervisor is doing isn’t technically sexual harassment, but it is close enough. Since you work in a strict corporate environment, go to Human Resources and report your supervisor. HR will handle it from there. If things go according to policy, your supervisor will be reprimanded or asked to attend a diversity workshop or sensitivity training and her contact with you will decrease and become FAR less friendly. And, because she has less contact with you, she may send fewer high profile projects your way. Not because she wants to make your life more complicated but because she will be instructed to maintain a supervisor–supervisee ONLY relationship with you. I understand your desire to make all of the flirting go away without your boss getting mad at you or any of this affecting your work, but that’s not gonna happen. Your boss forgot the golden rule–you can’t get your meat where you make your bread. This is her hardship to overcome, not yours. The kindest thing you can do is not act weird when she starts acting like a boss and not a bitch in heat. And speaking of acting weird … tell your wife what’s going on. You haven’t done anything wrong; stop acting like you have something to hide.  Dr. K

Featured topic: COMMITMENT ISSUES

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,
Hey Dr. K, I’ve heard about the great advice that you have given friends of mine, so I am writing you because I am in need of dire assistance. I just started talking to this girl a few weeks ago. This girl is beautiful! She looks like Beyonce, Halle Berry and Megan Fox all wrapped in one fine piece of skin. I’m almost glad to call her mine. My mother always told me to not trust a big butt and smile and I didn’t listen. For some reason, this girl is all about being Facebook official. Now granted, I do believe that I will become Facebook official eventually, but I don’t even know her that well! I tried to explain to her that my feelings for her are much deeper than any relationship status can show and that she should just calm down. I’m not sneaking around or trying to play her. I’m just not the type to rush into a relationship. Is it really that serious that we aren’t Facebook official? To be honest, we’re not even “Real life” official! She is a cool girl, but the nagging has got to stop. Everyone sees us together all the time anyway. Am I in the wrong because I don’t find the need to open up on Facebook and let the world know my relationship status? What do I do?  What’s the rush

Uhm … I’m confused. She’s beautiful. You’re (almost) glad to call her yours. You’re ignoring your mother’s advice for her. Everyone sees you two together all of the time. And you don’t know if you’re “real life” official as a couple? You need to wake up. This girl is asking you for a commitment. She’s made up her mind that she wants to be exclusive with you and can’t understand why you are still unsure. She’s not interested in hanging around just to enhance your ego. She’s nagging you because she is ready to walk out the door. YOU ARE DATING BEYONCE, HALLE BERRY AND MEGAN FOX ROLLED INTO ONE–THE GIRL HAS OPTIONS, DING DONG!!!! Look, she’s not asking for a wedding ring or to move in with you. All she wants you to do is change your facebook status. Man up and click “in a relationship” or stop wasting her time and walk away. There’s no middle ground here.  Dr. K

Featured topic: SNOOPING

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K, recently my best friend and her boyfriend of several months have been having relationship “issues”. In the beginning, everything was great between the two of them. We are all in the same group of friends, and in a group setting they are still cordial and don’t act awkward. She continually tells me that she loves him but he has been acting weird and stand-offish around her. She says he doesn’t offer as much information about his day and when she asks, he just gives abstract responses. Although they were completely wrong for each other on so many levels (age, personality, values), she is my best friend I feel bad that she is so upset. Anytime we are hanging out as a group, she asks him so many questions about his day, from which he was with to the food he ate, he only responds with simple answers and very rarely does he reciprocate the question. I know it sounds a bit “overly attached girlfriend” but something tells me that she knows that he has been sneaking around and is anxious to find out. She has told me on several different occasions that she has gone through his phone and social networks to see if he has been cheating on her. I can’t say that I don’t blame her, if I was dating someone who out of nowhere changed, I would have so many questions that I would almost be afraid to hear the answer from him. What advice should I give her about determining is he is in fact cheating on her?  The Snoop

Featured topic: HOOK-UP DRAMA

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,
I have been dating this guy for a couple weeks now, and it seems like were really “connecting” on many different levels. Recently, he surprised me with what he thought was my favorite type of flower, wine and a movie. It wasn’t my favorite, but it’s the thought that counts. We watched the movie at my place, and after two bottles of wine one thing led to another, and before I knew it we were having sex. It wouldn’t have been that big of a deal we both knew it was coming, it’s what happened next that really bothered me. Jokingly, before he left, I asked him if he considered us to be Facebook official. He awkwardly laughed, kissed me on the cheek and said, “I’ll let ya know tomorrow.” It has been three days and I have not heard from him and our mutual friends have been acting standoffish as if there is something to hide. I’m wondering if he gossiped about us and our personal information. Did I do something wrong? Or, was I just being used? Should I have waited to ask? I was seriously just joking but I guess next time I decide to say something I’ll think before I jump into conclusions.  Feeling Used

Dear Feeling Used

Wow. I don’t know if I like this guy for doing you a favor or hate him for the way he did it. If I were you I’d stop worrying about whether he’s been talking about you to your mutual friends or if you’ve been used. This wasn’t your boyfriend. You were joking when you asked the facebook question–remember? You just didn’t expect this response after “hitting it off” in the beginning. You figured you’d be the one in the driver’s seat and he would be waiting for your phone call. Look, if you are okay with just seeing this guy for sex and laughs and nothing more, consider this a test. Don’t talk about him to mutual friends and be cool when you see him. He will realize that you can handle a casual relationship, let down his guard and soon you will have him eating out of your hands.  D. K

Featured topic: EXs

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,
I went to a party with my boyfriend last weekend and his ex was there. Their hug seemed to last an eternity. I swear this girl is at every party I go to with him. I don’t know if he chooses these parties because he knows she will be there or what. But I don’t like her always being around and how he always hugs and talks to her when we see her. He is such a flirt with everyone, especially her. It’s like it’s part of his personality that he just has to flirt with everyone. Should I break up with him before he breaks up with me to get back together with her? Should we avoid her? What should I do?!?! Please help!  Am I the Third Wheel?

Dear Am I the Third Wheel

You are a jealous person and your boyfriend is a flirt. What part of this combination reads “and they lived happily ever after?” Worry less about your boyfriend leaving you for his ex and more about what ANY man must say or do to make you feel more secure in your relationship. First, don’t date men who flirt! If that’s who he was before he met you and/or that’s what he did to get you, don’t assume he’ll stop just because you two are together. Recognize that this is a problem for YOU, not him. Second, don’t blame the ex. She’s not your friend; she doesn’t owe you respect. Factoring her into the equation just gives you an excuse for not seeing that you made a mistake picking a flirt to date. Should you break up with him? That depends. If he is flirting just to push your buttons, dump him. If that’s just who he is but he treats you well and has MANY other good qualities, enjoy what you have together for as long as it lasts.  Dr. K

Kahnoodle Couple’s App

Add more fun to your love life!

kahnoodle

 

Click here to download from iTunes.  Android coming soon!

Featured topic: CRAPPY FRIENDS

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,                                                                                                                  My current roommate and I have been extremely good friends for 4 years and are neighbors back home. This is the first year, however, that we have been roommates. Nearing the end of the year, I’ve become extremely bothered and offended by some of her comments. (I have noticed them before we were roommates, but they were always said in a joking matter and not as often, so I kind of just brushed it off, not trying to make a big deal out of things). Tonight went too far as she made several rude comments about how one of my good high school friends (who she knows) wasn’t pretty and “it was by magic how she has the hot boyfriend she has now”.

Her rude comments about people are shallow and quite frankly, I’m almost embarrassed to be her friend. It’s not fair and not nice to judge people by the way they look or how much money they got. Despite her comments, she has been a really good friend to me, but I think it’s time for change. Should I try to address the situation and tell her this bothers me? Or is this something beyond repair (not an overnight fix) and should I slowly let go of the friendship?  Anonymous

Anonymous                                                                                                             What you decide to do depends on how much you need your roommate to be your friend and how well she fulfills your friendship expectations. Let’s talk about needing her first. Do you have other close friendship options? Do you enjoy spending time with those people as much or more than your roommate? If you were not friends with her, could you meet your roommate needs (shared rent or maintenance) with another person? Will you hate yourself for ending a 4 year friendship over this? If your answers are yes, yes, yes and no; dump her. Now, let’s talk about your expectations. Most of us view friends as people who make us feel good about ourselves, who are willing to do favors for us, who are loyal and trustworthy, and who have common interests/compatible personalities. Your roommate sounds like an envious, possessive bully. She says offensive things to you because you let her–that is, she knows you won’t do anything about it. If you want to try to fix her, be my guest. I would walk away … FAST. You’ve already suffered 4 years of this.  Dr. K

Featured topic: REBOUND RELATIONSHIPS

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K, I recently was dumped by my girlfriend of two years. I’m a sophomore, and she is a senior here at UNCW. Everything was great until her senior year, when things just kind of disintegrated and I’m not sure why. It’s been eight months since we’ve broken up, and I got on Facebook two months ago only to see that she is now dating a new guy, a senior here on campus. Needless to say my ego has been really hurt by this, and my game with the ladies has been terrible since I was dumped. I was wondering if their was any suggestions on some Self image management techniques I could use to make myself more desirable to the women of UNCW. I really need to find a new girl so I can get over my ex, I just need a jumpstart on how to improve my image. You’re the best Dr. K!! Thanks so much.

Wow. “Dr. K, can you help me find a rebound relationship?” “Dr. K, can you give me advice on how to find a nice girl to date until I feel better about myself and then throw away?” “Dr. K, what can I do to make my ex regret dumping me?” Am I getting warm yet? Dude, if I gave you a straight answer to any one of those questions, I’d have to turn in my Girl Card. You don’t need a new girl to help you get over the old girlfriend. You just need to get over your ex–alone. Needing a girl to validate yourself is different from having a girl who validates you. The former reeks of desperate and broken whereas the latter smells like healthy relationship. Take some time alone to hang out with your guy friends and remember what it’s like to be a cool single guy. If you need female companionship, pick up a few barflies who are as disinterested in a committed relationship with you as you are in one with them. Once you reclaim your comfort with whom you use to be, your mojo will come back and committed relationship material will come your way.  Dr. K

Featured topic: MARRIAGE EQUALITY

Not long into the Supreme Court arguments Tuesday [March 27, 2013] in Hollingsworth v. Perry, Justice Elena Kagan put her finger on the implausibility of the central constitutional argument made by the lawyers defending California’s Proposition 8, which defines marriage as between a man and a woman. In reading the briefs, she said, she was struck that the “principal argument” of gay-marriage opponents is that “the State’s principal interest in marriage is in regulating procreation.” She then offered a hypothetical. “Suppose a State said that, ‘Because we think that the focus of marriage really should be on procreation, we are not going to give marriage licenses anymore to any couple where both people are over the age of 55.’ Would that be constitutional?”

Here was the response by the lawyer for Proposition 8 supporters, Charles Cooper:

“[S]ociety’s interest in responsible procreation isn’t just with respect to the procreative capacities of the couple itself. The marital norm, which imposes the obligations of fidelity and monogamy, Your Honor, advances the interests in responsible procreation by making it more likely that neither party, including the fertile party to that … marriage will engage in irresponsible procreative conduct outside of that marriage. Outside of that marriage. That’s the marital—that’s the marital norm.”

In other words, if the Court does decide the Perry case on the merits, it will come down to this claim: Because only straight people can impulsively and accidentally have illegitimate children out of wedlock, they need a stable institution of marriage to discourage them from doing so and to force them to focus on the consequences of their animalistic passions. But as Justice Kagan noted, the idea that denying marriage equality to gay couples would encourage monogamy and responsible procreation by straight couples is hard to follow, let alone to fathom.

New Republic

Featured topic: NICE GUY BACKLASH

Featured topic: SENSITIVE ISSUES

This question really stumped me.  If you have a better reply, please submit a comment.

Over the past couple of years, my mom has become obsessed with the Tea Party and gun ownership, blending it in with patriotism, highly conservative ideals, and religion. One of the main ways we used to communicate was on Facebook, so I noticed a lot of “extreme” ideologies being put forth there over the last year. She began getting into religious debates and deleting anyone who didn’t agree with her. She began condemning homosexuals and “liking” hate groups that promote intolerance against them, even though my cousin is transgendered and they often communicated on Facebook. Then she began deleting relatives, including me,(her daughter), and my cousin due to disagreements about religion and politics. A few months ago, I found her again on Facebook. She had created a new page and it was all about promoting religion, unwavering faith in god, guns, the tea party, and the united states. Only friends whom shared these beliefs were added. I did not send a request, but I noticed she was subscribed to my sister, who shares her beliefs. I wouldn’t be so worried if it hadn’t gone beyond Facebook. On Christmas I sent her a gift and card but never heard anything back. She knows my financial situation is not good so it was not easy for me to do this. My two children also did not hear from her this Christmas, which is a first.
Recently I tried to contact her via email to see how she was doing. Although she insisted on not talking about it, our conversation got no further than religion or my lack of it. She kept indicating that she’d embrace me with joy on the day that I became “born again”. From what I can understand, there was no desire to resume contact with me until I see things her way. I expressed to her that I was worried about her taking religion to an extreme level and she became very offended, proceeding to point out to me why I was the one mentally ill, not her. Every email she sent me back contained quoted bible verses about how families will become enemies because of a belief in God, or how one who believes in God will not be deceived by new age ideas (she was referring to me here). I don’t really know what I should do at this point. This was a few days ago. Should I try to contact her again? Maybe just send a birthday card next month? I was hoping I would be able to convince her to talk to a professional, but apparently she thinks she’s fine and will only accuse me of being “sick” if I suggest it again.  Sahaaya

Sahaaya
I’ve been trying to come up with an academic response to your question rather than a gut reaction. It sounds like your mother has adopted views that she wants confirmed by the people around her. This is not unusual–most of us seek the company of like minded others. The problem here is that you do not share her views and she is trying to force you to adopt them. Notice that I said force and not persuade. She is using every manipulative trick in the book to break you down and that is uncool. I am not one to offer advice about how to sever ties with family members, but I don’t think it’s proper to condone suffering emotional abuse from them either. Therefore, you may need to love your mother from afar for a while. You need to accept that your mother is not crazy and you cannot separate her from her new beliefs and values. Avoid contact with her until you are feeling less vulnerable to her criticism and rejection. If you want to know if she’s okay or becoming less committed to her extreme views, check her comments and posts on facebook. Once your mom’s neophyte fever has died down some, start having conversations. Ask her why she feels the way she does about guns, politics, gays and religion. Don’t challenge or judge her. Just get her to explain what persuaded her to adopt those views and how they influence her everyday living. GO SLOWLY. The goal should be to understand your mom and relate to her within the context of her beliefs without adopting or rejecting them. This will take time and it won’t be easy. But if you want a relationship with her, breaking ties and forming new ties may be your best bet.  Dr. K

Featured topic: MESSY ROOMMATES

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K, I am so frustrated! In our apartment, myself and two of my roommates seem to follow the rules we set for our apartment at the beginning of the year well and get along fine. Our other roommate, however, fails to adhere to our apartment rules. First semester, this roommate has constantly kept the kitchen dirty. Food is always left on the counter, her dishes are left in the sink until they can’t pile up anymore, and she never helps to take the trash out. We have had several meetings to calmly discuss our opinions and have been considerably lenient towards her, but her habits haven’t changed. We are good friends, so I feel as though she doesn’t take any of us seriously. But I am not her mother, I refuse to clean up anymore of her mess!  The Tired Maid

Dear Tired Maid
You may not be your roommate’s mother, but it looks like you don’t mind being liked by someone who does not respect you. You sat down with your roommies and made an agreement about the rules of the house. You all have had several meetings to calmly discuss opinions about your piggy friend breaking the rules. You and two roommates have even cleaned up behind Ms. Piggy. What are you expecting me to say? This is not hard. You’ve done everything that constitutes appropriate small group behavior. Stop enabling–kick her lazy, piggy ass out! She’s not your friend, so don’t sweat hurting her feelings or inconveniencing her. By BLATANTLY ignoring the rules of the house, Ms. Piggy has demonstrated that she does not care about you as a friend, your feelings or inconveniencing everybody that she lives with. Let her care about finding somewhere else to live. You can be nice and let her know face-to-face that she has until the end of the month to move out or you can change the locks, pack up her crap and leave it outside tonight. Just make sure that she knows the decision is final. Don’t kick her out until she “learns her lesson.” You’re not her mother remember? It’s not your job to teach her anything. Make sure you cover your behind, however. Go to the apartment manager’s office and make sure that the lease allows you all to cleanly break ties.  Dr. K

Featured topic: “HE WON’T TALK”

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K, my father is the kinda guy that is anti-social. My mother moved out last year, said that house we lived in made her sick and my dad said he wasn’t moving, so she moved on her own and I stayed with my dad because my mom didn’t have steady transportation and I needed to get to school. She spent last christmas by herself and this christmas, I was already living her and my dad came up.

My dad doesn’t like to talk much but when he does, you need to listen because he’s not just gonna strike up another conversation just like that. So I asked him, If my mother spoke to him since he’s been up here? and he said no. I’ve seen that she’s spoken more to her brother who lives upstairs than my dad who just came up for the christmas. This made him upset and he stopped talking completely. I tried to talk to her about it, and she got upset with me, saying she shouldn’t have to make my father talk. I sometimes agree with her but that’s just how he is and he’s not going to change.

My dad is angry with her and I don’t know why she can’t see that? He came up here and now he’s not talking to her and he went back home this morning. When my dad is upset he doesn’t talk but I get him to talk, even if it’s just for a couple minutes.

Sometimes I feel their marrige is in trouble but none of them believe in divorce so then I’m like okay. But they already live apart. They were together a long time before they got married I think 18 years and they’ve been married for 11. I’m thinking that my mother should know how my dad operates by now? But I guess not, all she says is that she’s not going to make a grown man talk and I understand that. Since he’s been up here, he’s only really spoken to me and I was sick for the holiday and I was losing my voice.

What I’m asking is ” shouldn’t my mother make more of an effort to speak to my dad, even though he’s anti-social?” (This is how he’s always been, this isn’t new behaviour) I think he’s still angry with her “sometimes” for moving out, but then at other times he’s okay.  Sapphire

Sapphire
I apologize for taking so long to respond to your question, but I needed time to think about what I wanted to say. Do I think your mom should try harder to get your dad to talk? No. Your dad is an adult who entered into a legally and spiritually binding relationship with your mother. He needs to hold up his end of the partnership. It is not your mom’s exclusive job to maintain their marriage and it will not be “all her fault” if it falls apart. Moving out of the house probably was her signal that she had tried enough. Your parents have known each other for almost 30 years. They had a long relational life before you were born–a life you only know through the stories they have CHOSEN to tell you. You don’t know what kind of people they were when they met nor how much they have changed since then. You have no idea how many unmet expectations have been experienced nor the extent of the resentments they’ve inspired. I am certain that this demand-withdrawal dance has been performed MANY times between your mom and dad and that both of them are sick of it. I cannot advise them to do anything because they have to want to find a way back to each other first. But I do have advise for you. STAY OUT OF IT. It is not your job to mediate your parents’ marriage. Don’t try and don’t take sides–for your own sanity. Just love each one separately and make the most of the time you spend with them.  Dr. K

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

How many of you have vowed to lose weight, or eat better, or work smarter, or spend more time with family on New Year’s Eve?  And how many of you have lost most of that resolve by MLK Day?  Here’s a suggestion that turns a vice into a virtue.  If you’re like me, you give and get alot of gift cards because you are too lazy to shop.  And most of the time you end up with $1-4 on that card that you cannot spend.  Whenever you find yourself in that situation, go to Gift Card Giver and donate your leftovers to someone in need.  It’s the easiest way to give while you are getting the whole year through.

Happy New Year everybody!!

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MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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Featured topic: FACEBOOK STALKING

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr K. My boyfriend and I have been together for the last 3 years. Facebook official for the last 2. However, since I graduated I haven’t been able to really maintain my page and be active on the site due to my schedule. I only visit the site once or twice a month.  My boyfriend is always on there and is very “social.” I noticed that he never post things about me or our relationship. I want to check his page to see if he is involved with someone and I want to continue adding his friends that are girls so I can see if they write each other on Facebook. But, should I increase my Facebook use to see what he is doing?  Should I be worried about our relationship?  Confused Gal

Confused Gal,
No offense, but I’m a fan of worrying about the happenings in my real world not my virtual world. Has your boyfriend done anything in the real world to concern you? Have you two stopped going out in public as a couple? Do his friends seem surprised to see you with him? If the answer to those questions is no, then I wouldn’t worry about what he does online. Online surveillance is a last resort–something that you do when you cannot get answers to your questions offline. Besides, you haven’t been a friend of facebook for over at least a year. Why do you care what he posts on his page? If his online behavior isn’t taking “together time” away from the relationship, I wouldn’t let it bother me.  Dr. K

Featured topic: Lying

Let’s get to your questions ….

My husband and I have been together for six years so I feel like I know him very well. But, I have this gut feeling that something is wrong and I am worried that he is lying to me. He used to come home right after work and help me around the house with chores or dinner, but he has been coming home a couple of hours later than usual. When I ask him where he has been, he makes up elaborate stories, avoids eye contact by staring at the ground or looking around the room, and he always uses the same excuses when he is out late. The excuse is that he was just out with his buddies (followed by an elaborate story about his night or day) Sometimes he stutters and it makes me wonder if he is lying to me. When I start asking him questions, he leaves the room, changes the subject, or tells me everything is fine and that I should not worry. I don’t know if things are really “fine” or whether he is hiding something from me. Does it sound like he is lying or is this just a bump in the road for our marriage?  Bump in the Road

Dear Bump in the Road
After six years of marriage, I would hope that you’d know when/if your husband is lying to you. I am certain that in all of the time you’ve known each other, he has displayed similar behavior (but to a lesser degree) and you have discovered that he was hiding something. I think you want me to tell you if your husband is hiding something that should worry you. The answer is “yes, it should concern you very much.” Your husband is going to A LOT of trouble to conceal something, but I cannot say if it is something that just effects him or something that effects your relationship. The elaborate stories are an indication that he may want to get caught because it’s hard to keep those lies straight. If I were you, I would do two things. First I would decide if I really needed to know the truth. Not “I’m nosy and want to know the truth,” but “can I handle something BAD?” Second, if I decided that I needed to know, I would do some detective work. That means checking cell phone messages and appointments. And, dropping by his job during quitting time (SURPRISE!) and asking questions. If your husband wants to get caught, he will welcome the intrusion. If not, prepare yourself for something worse than BAD.  Dr. K

Featured topic: COWORKER DRAMA

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr.K,
I am the lead advisor for an advertising company. It has come to my attention that one of my employees has undermined my authority and tried to close an account on off duty hours without my clearance. In order to make me look bad and possibly get me fired. When I confronted this employee about the situation he admitted to his actions, and this led to an intense argument. After our debate, I had no choice but to fire him. He stormed off and started throwing things against the wall. Later that day my CEO rehired the employee I fired because his family is well-known in society and could potentially hurt the company’s business. How do I continue working with this employee, who’s hotheaded and uses underhanded tactics when dealing with potential cliental in order to make me look bad? Disgruntled Employee

Disgruntled Employee
If I were you, I’d think about finding somewhere else to work. You’ve got a subordinate who doesn’t respect company values or your authority and a boss who does not have your back. Your client’s will see this and lose confidence in you and your company as well. Sure, I could run thru ways to communicate with the hotheaded employee more effectively. And I could present you with arguments to share with the CEO that might persuade him to let the hothead go. But the hothead is in the catbird’s seat and has no incentive to change. Either the hothead would discredit you to the point of irrelevance or the CEO would begin to see you as the problem and let you go. In the final analysis, your boss and your subordinate are not your close friends, lovers or family. These are professional relationships, yet I don’t see anyone behaving professionally. Save your reputation and find another job.  Dr. K

Featured topic: FRIENDSHIP

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,
I have a best male friend that I have grown very close to over the past 10 years. I was always unsure about his sexual preference because of his somewhat feminine personality and our lack of sexual attraction. Over the span of our friendship, I have seen him date other girls, but the relationships never lasted longer than a couple weeks or months. Recently, I introduced him to one of my close girl friends and they have been hanging out and flirting with one another. They’ve been spending more time together than I have with either of them. At first, I didn’t think anything of it, but he came to me the other day asking if she had said anything about him, and told me he had feelings for her. He even said that they almost hooked up one night after the bar. Since he told me that, I’ve been feeling extremely jealous and I don’t know why. I’ve never considered myself to be attracted to him, but can’t seem to get their relationship off of my mind. I thought about talking to my girl friend about it, but don’t know what to say because I don’t know what I’m feeling. Is this a romantic attraction or am I just being a jealous friend?  The Girl Friend

Dear Girl Friend
Don’t worry–you’re just being a jealous friend. Jealousy is a fear of losing something that you have. In this case, you are afraid of losing that close, special, almost exclusive friendship bond–in stereo. Research indicates that women feel more threatened by a rival for an emotional attachment than a rival for a sexual attachment. Given that romantic relationships have never gotten in the way of hang out time with your guy friend in the past, you don’t know what it feels like to compete for his time/concern/caring. You don’t need to talk to your girl friend or your guy friend about this. You need to be happy for the two of them, support their decisions about the relationship, keep confidences when necessary, and reconnect with other friends and family.  Dr. K

Featured topic: SIBLING RIVALRY

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,
Just recently my little sister graduated from college, and has started working at her dream job at the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill. To add onto all of those recent events, her boyfriend of three years proposed to her this past weekend. While I know I’m supposed to be happy for her, I’m not so sure I’m feeling that way. You see, I’m quickly approaching 30 years old and am just now getting an idea of what I want to do with my life. For the past 7 years I have been in and out of jobs, moving from town to town, lacking any stability whatsoever. Meanwhile my sister seems to have her life planned out at 22 years old. My sister and I have always had a close relationship (we talk every single day on the phone), but now this has added on unnecessary tension between us two simply because I assumed that I would be the first to get married and have my life settled. I have found that this has caused me to distance myself from my sister and not want to be around her. The constant discussion of wedding plans lately has made me feel inadequate in comparison to her life, even though I pretend like it does not bother me. I also worry how others (specifically my parents) will compare me to my sister. Is it normal for me to be upset about this? How do I get over this envy that I am feeling?  Never First, Always Last

Dear Never First, Always Last
I am slightly perplexed that you are suddenly concerned about your status in your family relative to your little sister. FOR 7 YEARS your sister has been achieving her goals (i.e., doing well in high school, graduating from high school, being accepted into a good college, making good grades and appropriate choices while attending college, getting into a stable romantic relationship, graduating from college, getting engaged to a “good guy,” and landing her dream job) while you have been … drifting. During that time, you and your sister have had regular contact and healthy interactions, and your parents seemed to love, support and regard both of you equally. It’s not your sister’s fault that you haven’t been able to get your life together so don’t make her a scapegoat for the reality of your inadequacies. And if your parents haven’t said anything to you about your laxidasical efforts toward personal improvement for 7 years, consider it a gift and an omen of things to come. Look, I think you need to get your life on some path toward stability and growth, and I’m glad that your little sister’s recent achievements gave you the proverbial kick in the pants. Just recognize things for what they are. Your family wants you to be a part of this happy event–no strings attached. Don’t assume drama where none exists.  Dr. K

Featured topic: “BEST FRIENDS”

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,

I have a best friend whom I’ve known since I was a little girl. Even though we did not live in the same town, we always did a lot of things together, being that our families were extremely close. Her father recently took a new job which allowed her to move closer to me and now she attends my high school. At first I thought it would be really exciting to finally have my best friend in my daily routine at school, but recently I’ve been feeling a bit suffocated by her. She has started becoming involved in every extracurricular activity I am in and hasn’t attempted to make any friends of her own. She relies on me to provide her a social life, which involves only hanging out with my closest friends. I understand that she is new to my school and doesn’t know anyone other than myself, but she isn’t exactly making an effort to establish a life of her own there, and it’s started to annoy me. The friends I have at this school have always been separate from her and it bothers me how she automatically assumes that these will be her main group of friends as well. Is it wrong that I am bothered by this so much? What should I say to her that will get my point across but, at the same time, not ruin our friendship?  Miss Independent

Dear Miss Independent
I think you don’t understand the meaning of the term “best friend.” A “best friend” is someone that you enjoy spending all of your time hanging around, not someone that you pay attention to when it’s convenient for you. And I can imagine how worried you are about ruining this friendship because it’s easier to send text messages to someone on Facebook when you are bored and call her “best friend” than it is to make face time for that person in your real life. You need to be a little less selfish. It’s not like your best friend is pulling you away from activities that you like or friends that normally spend time with you. She’s making the sacrifices–not you. If she’s really your “best friend,” why aren’t you introducing her to the things that she likes in this new locale (you know, the stuff that she filled her life with while she was a zillion miles out-of-sight-and-out-of-mind)? And, why don’t you want to do the stuff that you use to do WAY back when the two of you “always did a lot of things together?” If you’ve decided that your close friends and life with them are more important than your “best friend,” tell her that. Tell her that you still want to be Facebook friends, but it would be better if she resumed enjoying what she likes to do. Seriously, you can’t keep a “best friend” at arms length–closeness requires spending time together and liking it. If you’re more comfortable with a separate life, tell her that and let her move on.  Dr. K

Featured topic: UNCERTAINTY REDUCTION

Let’s get to your questions ….

I met a girl last weekend. She gave me her number and we set up a date. I told her a lot about my family and friends and life back home. We’re on our third date now and I feel like I’m telling a lot about myself, and she doesn’t really add a lot to the conversation. I ask her questions to get her to talk and she gives vague and minimal responses. The strange thing is she set up another “date” with me this weekend. We are still in the “getting to know you phase,” but how can I get to know her if the only place I learn anything about her is from Facebook? Should I cut my losses and realize that I’m being friend-zoned?  Seriously confused

OK Seriously Confused
There’s a lot going on here. I don’t think you are being friend zoned for two reasons. First, she asked you to commit to another date. A girl who is not interested doesn’t do that. Second, she asked you out for the THIRD DATE. Third dates are generally events that mark the beginning of a romantic relationship because it’s okay for something physical to happen during one–i.e., first sex or first deep kiss. She is auditioning you. Your initiative and willingness to share your life story during the previous dates let her know that you are into her–that she has “passed your test.” Now she wants to see if you are going to “pass” hers. Part of that test is seeing how you handle ambiguity–that is, do you know what to do without her spelling it out for you? She’s waiting for you to do something unexpected that will appeal to her and justify “bumping uglies” with you later on. Stop focusing on how much she talks and concentrate on what she has said and done. Has she laughed, smiled or positively commented on anything that you have shared with her? If so, that is information to build on and extrapolate from. Remember one thing … if your third date results in sex and she remains closed off afterward, she’s trying to keep you off balance to maintain your interest. If she’s not worth that investment, cut her loose.  Dr. K

Featured topic: DEALING WITH THE UNEXPECTED

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,

I recently went out for some drinks with a few of my friends when I met this super hot girl. We hung out and talked most of the night, all the while she was very flirtatious and touchy. I was into her and she seemed into me so I made my move and to my surprise I was shot down. Not sure what to do next I made some awkward small talk and then we parted ways. Was I getting mixed signals or did I just supply this girl with a night full of free drinks?  Bruised Ego

Dear Bruised Ego
Wouldn’t life be easier if bar encounters came with cartoon thought bubbles? Then we would KNOW that the other person is reading the situation the same way that we are. I cannot give you a precise answer to your question because I don’t know what your move was or exactly how hot girl shot you down. But I can explain the nonverbal dynamics between the two of you. The easy interpretation is “your move” was a turn off–too-much-too-soon, amateurish, or creepy from her point of view. And it is highly likely that your move is not as great as you think because guys who have awesome moves do not waste money buying women drinks. Now, let’s explore why you were surprised that hot girl did not respond positively to your big move. Your positive regard for Ms. Hottie blinded you to the reality of why super hot girls go to bars unescorted. Hot girls go to bars for free drinks from regular guys and fun with hotter guys. They wait for Mr. Okay Guy who is willing to run a tab for them to approach and laugh and smile until better prospects come along, he runs out of money or he runs her off with some cheesy move. You were so busy looking for cues/signs validating what you wanted to happen (i.e., she’s into me) that you missed the signs indicating what was really going on (i.e., she was just using you). If you still have faith in “your move,” let me suggest that you make it BEFORE you buy women drinks. You’ll either get lucky faster or leave bars with more money.  Dr. K

Featured topic: GETTING TO KNOW YOU

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K

I just met my dorm mate for the first time and i noticed the familiar shape of a lacrosse stick in the corner of the room. I’m encouraged by the apparent same interests, however i also noticed a campaign “vote for” button on his backpack in support of the total opposite end of the political spectrum from myself. Will birds of a feather flock together? Or will opposites attract?  College Freshman

College Freshman
You’ll never know the answer to either question unless you dive in and ask your new roommate some questions and offer some information about yourself as well. It is not at all unusual for friends to agree on some topics and disagree on others or have a lot to share about one or a couple of subjects while other subjects are completely off limits. Moving from strangers to acquaintances to friends requires a little risk. But given the fact that you guys will be living together, it’s probably worth it. Besides, you’re gonna see this guy in his shorts from time to time. How uncomfortable could a conversation about politics be in light of that?  Dr. K

Featured topic: BLAME 2

Let’s get to some questions ….

Dr. K,

I’ve lived next door to a physician and his wife for about ten years now. I know a few people that go to him, and they say he provides great care. He also volunteers at a free health clinic once a month.  Last Saturday night I heard his wife screaming and yelling at him. I listened for a while, and when I glanced out my window, I saw the doctor shove her. They were out working in the yard Sunday afternoon, and things seemed ok. I think she just went overboard and made him mad. Maybe she was drinking or something. It scares me, should I do anything?  Concerned neighbor

Concerned neighbor
Well … whether or not you should do something depends on what you want to do and why. Do you want to go next door, introduce yourself to your neighbors and mediate a problem that does not involve you? OR, do you want to call the cops and have the good doctor or his wife arrested because you THINK he is abusive or she is a lush? Couples fight and the more dependent/committed the relationship, the more heated those fights can become. Every little flare up isn’t a cry for help. Besides, it’s not like you hear them fight like this every night. Given that there did not seem to be any lasting unrest or subsequent conflict, doing something now might cause more harm than good. I can tell that you want to be a good neighbor and do the right thing. For now, that means keeping your eyes/ears open and keeping your mouth shut.  Dr. K

Featured topic: WELCOME BACK TO SCHOOL

The Mindset List for the Class of 2016

For those who cannot comprehend that it has been 18 years since this year’s entering college students were born, they should recognize that the next four years will go even faster, confirming the authors’ belief that “generation gaps have always needed glue.”

  1. They should keep their eyes open for Justin Bieber or Dakota Fanning at freshman orientation.
  2. They have always lived in cyberspace, addicted to a new generation of “electronic narcotics.”
  3. The Biblical sources of terms such as “Forbidden Fruit,” “The writing on the wall,” “Good Samaritan,” and “The Promised Land” are unknown to most of them.
  4. Michael Jackson’s family, not the Kennedys, constitutes “American Royalty.”
  5. If they miss The Daily Show, they can always get their news on YouTube.
  6. Their lives have been measured in the fundamental particles of life: bits, bytes, and bauds.
  7. Robert De Niro is thought of as Greg Focker’s long-suffering father-in-law, not as Vito Corleone or Jimmy Conway.
  8. Bill Clinton is a senior statesman of whose presidency they have little knowledge.
  9. They have never seen an airplane “ticket.”
  10. On TV and in films, the ditzy dumb blonde female generally has been replaced by a couple of Dumb and Dumber males.
  11. more

Featured topic: HAPPY SHARK WEEK!

Featured topic: CAREER GOALS

Lets get to your questions ….

I am 19 years old, I’ll be 20 in September. I will graduate from my Community College next year in June. I have to find a full time job because my part time job sucks. The employees are ridiculous or else I would just become a full time worker there. My plan has always been to work full time for 2 years after I graduate from college. So that I could earn some extra money. I am my parents only child, my brother is dead. My mother keeps holding me back, she doesn’t want me to leave just yet. I can’t wait any longer, I’m almost 20. My father has no problem with me leaving in 2 years. I want to leave by 22, and my mother keeps saying that it’s to soon. She’s not understanding that it takes 4 years to get a bachelors degree. I’ll be spending four years trying to get my associates because I have to redo last semester and I’ll be finished in december and graduation is in june.

I have always said that I would leave home (I live in the Caribbean) by 22 and by the time I get my bachelors I’ll be 26 because I don’t plan to have the same problems I had in trying to get my associates. So I don’t plan to stay longer than four years. I’m contemplating on whether or not I should get a bachelors because I am an aspiring entrepreneur, novelist and cosmetologist. People keep telling me that I don’t need to go to college to be an entrepreneur I only need money and a good idea, I know this, but I want training, I want to be an entrepreneurship major, get the proper training and be on a good start. I have always had a passion for writing so I’ve decided to pursue it and become a novelist. I’ve also been told that I don’t need to go to college for this, but I think the training will do me good and my entrepreneurial endeavour will be a salon and spa and that’s why I want to study cosmetology. At least it’ll start off as a salon and spa and plan to do other things in my future business.  Is it wrong for me to work for two years to earn some money and then leave home at 22?

In my head this plan is back firing because I want to be married and have a kid by 30. In total I will pursue business and writing at the same university at the same time and do a double major and then when I graduate I will do cosmetology for a year, which means I’ll be 28. My only hindrance is I’m trying to figure out if I should get a masters degree. and If I do, it will have to be in another field of business wouldn’t it? Do people have masters degrees in entrepreneurship? or Does it make sense to have a masters in entrepreneurship? Isn’t it better to have a master’s degree in another field?
If I pursue a masters degree that’ll mean I’ll be 29. In my head I know I have to set aside money to start my business and I always said I would get an office job for a permanent job to raise capital for my business but maybe in my plan I should try to at least publish my first book in my 20′s.  Is my plan unreasonable or unattainable?  Sapphire

Sapphire
You seem to have alot of timed goals. Move out of the house by 22; be married and have a kid by 30; publish your first book in your 20s. You also have alot of interests (notice that I didn’t say “plans”). I’m not going to say that your goals are unattainable because they sound more like 19 year old dreams than plans for a future. You want to own your own business but you do not have marketable expertise/skills in anything. You want to be married and have a kid by 30, but you haven’t mentioned any prospects for a husband/father. You talk about writing a book but you don’t sound like you’ve experienced enough to have anything to say that someone would publish. I’m certain that your mother has taken note of this and that’s the reason why she wants you to stay at home. I think that getting a full-time job and moving out by 22 is a good idea. It will give you a sense of independence and an opportunity to be responsible for yourself before you have to become responsible for someone else. You do not need an advanced degree to own your own business or to become an author. However you might want some assistance learning how to make a business plan, market yourself, and manage money and employees. In order to become a published author, you need luck and to write ALOT. Start with a blog and see if you can get a following. PRACTICE your craft to develop expertise. Do your friends’ hair and/or nails and post pictures of your creations on facebook if cosmetology really is your thing. Then go to school to get certified. Dreams become reasonable when you devise a realistic plan for achieving them–not by setting arbitrary temporal deadlines.  Dr. K

Featured topic: HAPPY 4th of JULY!

Featured topic: BRISTOL PALIN

Check out the review of her new reality show.  It’s a trip!

Featured topic: ACHIEVEMENT

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,

How should I feel about this?  I am a General Business Administration Major at my community college, in the Caribbean. I have spent the past three years there. On average the students spend three years, even though it’s a two year college. I was trying to graduate this semester but I was unsuccessful. I now have the lowest GPA I’ve ever had in my life and at the college.  Should I feel disappointed that I have to wait another year to graduate? I do not have to pay tuition because the government in my territory pays for all its belongers to attend college. I have not taken advantage of this. I am a very hard worker.  I’ve been struggling with Math my whole life but it’s gotten worse at each academic level I attend, i.e. in High School and now College. in Primary school (elementary), even though I struggled I had an A in report.  I think my biggest fear, is that my aunts will compare us [me and my cousin] and I can’t deal with that. They’ll say we went to college the same time and she has gone ahead of me. Some of them understand and don’t look at it like it’s the end of the world, I just hope that the rest of them understand as well.  I do apologise for this long drawn out question. I really hope that you can advise me, on this deep rooted issue that I have.  Sapphire

Sapphire

That is quite the life history. The short answer to your question is, don’t feel disappointed that you have to wait longer to graduate. Waiting affords you the luxury of devoting more time to a difficult subject and feeling a greater sense of accomplishment when you do well. The longer answer to your question is, in 10 years NO ONE will care that it took one more year to graduate especially if you achieve great things in those ten years. Take me for example. I was a horrible undergraduate student. At one point, my GPA for the semester was 0.7. My parents were not happy with my “progress” because I was a great student in high school and both of them had their Ph.Ds. It was a challenging time for us and not all of their encouragement was positive. But we got through it. And, here I am many years later with a Ph.D., working as a tenured professor at a growing four year university, and giving advice on my blog. My mom and dad are proud of me and my accomplishments now. I knew then that they loved me, but I appreciate it more now because I put forth the effort to live up to their expectations. Right now it is normal to feel disappointed and to dread the negative encouragement that you may receive from family members. Just remember, it doesn’t last forever. Stay focused on your goals and know that your family loves you … “math challenged” and all.  Dr. K

Featured topic: PUSH GIRLS

CHECK OUT PUSH GIRLS

It’s Sex in the City … on wheels!

Thanks Chadwick!

Featured topic: MORE ROOMMATE ISSUES

Let’s get to your questions ….  Be nice NC followers.

So I possibly could be living with a bi-sexual roommate next year, and that bothers me. I’ve tried to talk to the person about it, but every time I try I get shut down. What do you think is this cause of this interpersonal conflict?

Well … it depends. What exactly have you been trying to talk to your roommate about? Have you been trying to discuss the origins of his/her bisexuality? Have you been trying to debate the morality of her/his bisexuality? Have you been trying to share how much you DON’T KNOW about bisexuality? Have you been trying to brainstorm ways your roommate can hide his/her bisexuality from your friends and family? If someone was trying to engage me in a conversation about how much me being me bothers him/her, I would avoid that little chat as well.  Dr. K

Featured topic: BETRAYAL 2

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K recently I’ve felt very lonely…people who I thought were my best friends turned out to not be who I thought they were. They betrayed me, and have made me feel useless. This has caused me a lot of distress because I did everything with them. I know that XXXX is a huge school but I’ll be seeing these friends all the time..there is NO escaping seeing them. I have applied to other schools and I am thinking about transferring. I don’t want to transfer because of a group of friends…but I don’t know any other option. I just want you opinion of what you would do, and keep in mind no matter what I will see these friends everyday, unless I leave the school.  Don’t know what to do

Dear “Don’t know what to do”
I’m sorry that you feel lonely because your friends betrayed you. BUT, as much as you do not want to see them again, switching schools isn’t the answer. You are at XXXX to get an education not to maintain a specific circle of friends. I wish that I could offer you some magical tip that would make your loneliness go away, but I’m afraid that all I have is something cliche. Give it time. You may never reach a time where you forgive and forget the betrayal, but time will give you some distance from the hurt and lonely feelings. In the meantime, find other things to do and other people to hang out with. Seize the opportunity to become more focused on school, take on a volunteer project, or join a campus organization. Use the time that you use to invest in that friendship and invest it in ways to enrich your life. You know … this might be the ideal time to study abroad or become a national exchange student (attend another school in the country for 1-2 semesters). It will give you the physical distance that you seem to crave and allow you to improve yourself in a meaningful way.  Dr. K

Featured topic: ROOMMATE ISSUES

Let’s get to your questions ….

I have a roommate who always thinks she is right. Whenever I approach her about being wrong she always shuts me out. She will go as far to go home for the weekend. Why do you think she is doing this. I know that she is choosing the avoiding method for conflicts, but since she keeps running away I don’t know what to do?

Forgive me or being blunt, but who likes being told they’re wrong? Seriously, what result do you want from this conversation? If you just want to point out every time she’s wrong, put a note under her pillow or in her backpack. If you what to lecture her on how she needs to be more open to other people’s opinions and perspectives, I’d rethink that conversation. Certainly your roommate doesn’t want to hear information that contradicts her image of herself. But by leaving, your roommate may be sparing you the tongue lashing that she readily bestows upon others who point out her flaws. I would keep my mouth shut … and invest in pillow stationery.  Dr. K

Featured topic: MORE CONFLICT

Let’s get back to your questions ….

Dr. K.,
What do you think are three key ways or styles of communicating that will improve conflict management within a romantic relationship.  Trahern

Trahern
There are only two ways to address conflict in a romantic relationship context–deal with it or avoid it. A LOT of romantic arguments are not worth having. NOT because they are over unimportant issues, but because you are likely to say something hurtful that should not have been said. Learn to pick your battles. When necessary, short circuit the fight by changing the subject or just giving in. Recognize the difference between your partner needing to work something out with you and your partner just wanting your attention. On the occasions that you need to deal with the issue, you can stand your ground or problem solve. Sometimes you need to put your foot down with your partner. Don’t be mean about it–just be firm about the limits of your flexibility. On other occasions, you need to collaborate with your partner. Here’s a tip. If the issue only effects you, stand your ground. If it effects both of you, work it out together.  Dr. K

Featured topic: EASTER HUMOR

Featured topic: BAD HOOK UPS

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,
I have been close friends with a particular guy for a year and a half. We do everything together but have remained ‘just friends’. The past year and a half I’ve had a slight crush on him, but nothing ever got out of hand and neither one of us ever made a move. Fast forward to a week ago…. He told me he had had feelings for me and asked me out on an ‘official’ date. It was like everything fell into place and of course I said YES! Anyways, our first official date was AMAZING. We went to our favorite restaurant, a movie and the beach, all as an ‘official’ couple <3 (or so I thought) So naturally, we hooked up. He didn’t stay the night, but I assumed everything was fine.

He hasn’t spoken to me since. I’ve tried texting him and calling to no avail. I’m so upset because I thought we were at the very least— FRIENDS. I feel like I deserve an explanation. Is he a total jerk, or did I do something wrong? Help…  Wham, Bam …WhereYouGoing?

Dear Wham, Bam … WhereYouGoing?
It might have been a combination of both–you did something wrong and he’s a bit of a jerk. First, you two were never “friends.” He might have considered you a friend, but you were never his. That’s why it took a year and a half for him to ask you out. And, because you had a crush on him the whole time, your motives for interacting with him and your interpretations of his responses were tainted. Second, you slept with him on the first date. MAJOR NO-NO. Guys expect to work for sex. They may not want to work very hard for it and/or wait very long for it, but waiting beyond the first date is kind of a norm. In fact, some guys use it as a test to determine if the girl is worth a second date. In my opinion, jerks use this as a test. A true friend would have made it clear through words and deeds that you two were just friends. This guy waited over a year to clarify his relationship intentions, seized an opportunity for the sex test, decided that you failed and vanished. Which brings us back to the beginning. You don’t deserve an explanation from him for anything because the two of you were never friends.  Dr. K