We have a friend named ‘Jake’ and he is a great guy and a hard worker and he loves his kids. But when he gets drunk, he’s totally a different person. He talks a lot as it is, but when he is drunk, it is non-stop. He gets angry and violent and we usually end up having to either choke or knock him out to get him to stop. We have showed him videos of himself when he is like that and we have talked to him while sober and while drunk and its as if his level of misunderstanding is beyond the typical. The question is: is he misunderstaning the fact that we are trying to help him? Or is he just not listening? He also does get it when we don’t invite him to social functions, he thinks its not fair to leave him out, again is he misunderstaning, or just that stupid?  David

I like this question because it is a true interpersonal COMMUNICATION question. Your friend is not stupid because he is not interacting with himself–he is behaving in relation to someone else (i.e., you or your friends). It is actually more accurate to say that ALL of you are stupid because you are repeating the same pattern of ineffective behavior. Talking to Jake or showing him video of himself afterward isn’t the answer, nor is choking or knocking him out once he’s drunk. The key is to understand how he gets to the point of obnoxious drunk. What part are you and your friends playing in this dynamic? Are you guys inviting him to social functions where the alcohol is flowing? Does someone hand him a beer or show him the bar when he arrives? Are you telling him not to get drunk or act like an asshole when YOU are half drunk and talking loud? Do you laugh at some of the stuff he does while he’s buzzed but not drunk? The point I’m trying to make is, what is the pattern of behavior or talk that leads to “Jake the Obnoxious Drunk,” and what can you do to break this pattern? You said that he gets it when you don’t invite him to social functions. Fine–try inviting him to parties where NO alcohol is served. Let him get a feel for having fun without alcohol. But don’t treat this as a quick fix. Don’t think that Jake being good at a no alcohol party means you can reward him with an invite to a party where alcohol is served. If alcohol is the trigger to bad behavior, you must be willing to exclude it from ALL social functions with Jake FOREVER.  Dr. K

Dr. K,

One of the issues with ORI that I find most interesting is where the line should be drawn between persistence and obsession. One of my friends, let’s call him George, illustrates the potential problem. He has been pursuing a woman for over a year now, and shows no sign of losing interest despite her dating other guys. None of her relationships last very long, never more than a couple of months, and when she isn’t dating someone else she does flirt with George quite a bit. When she is dating another man, George acts jealous and he gets annoying rather quickly. He does stupid things like call her all day long to find out where she is or if she’s with the “other guy”, he gives her gifts (usually with a sappy card talking about how much he loves her even if she doesn’t love him back), sometimes he even follows her so that he can ‘accidentally’ bump into her while she’s out.

I’ve tried telling him that his behavior is creepy and borderline, if not outright, stalking at times, but he insists it’s just him “not giving up on her”. He doesn’t act this way when she’s single, but she pays more attention to him then… it’s only when she has another guy that she tells George to leave her alone. I’ve even tried telling him (and so have others) that he bothers her (in the long run) and that she’s just using him as a stand-in sort of boyfriend when she doesn’t have someone she likes better, but he’s still convinced that she’s just playing hard to get.

So does this situation still count as an example of ORI? She definitely has told him to cool it, even if she’s more receptive at other times, so it seems to me he should just stop his pursuit entirely. Or is he right that this is somehow the makings of a romantic, ‘tell the grandkids someday’, story of how he never gave up on ‘true love’?  Chrisey

Chrisey
The criterion for stalking generally lies with the victim–does she feel that George is intruding on her privacy? Given the hot and cold nature of her interactions with George, it would seem as though she sees him as more persistent than a stalker. Additionally, George behaves more like an unrequited lover than a stalker. His pursuit tactics seem constant rather than escalating and he sounds emotionally hopeful rather than angry or theatening. Stalkers tend to ‘imagine’ encouragement from their victims–they read acknowledgements of love into every positive or negative encounter with their victims. George isn’t imagining encouragement; he’s getting it from his lady friend. If doing what he’s doing gets her some of the time, it’s reasonable for him to assume trying harder will get her fulltime. I agree with you, she’s using him as her cuddle bitch. When he grows tired of playing that role, you will discover how much of a stalker he is inclined to be.  Dr. K

Dr K,

I understand the relationship in which there is a would-be lover and a rejector. But in the situation where there is a married man, and single woman who equally like/love each other, is it still unrequited love? If so how? The married man is not technically a rejector per the books definition because he likes/loves the woman just as much.  Ashley

Ashley
Definitions are not taffy, but I think that an affair with a married man could be considered as unrequited love because it is a situation in which one person wants a romantic relationship but the other cannot commit to it by choice or circumstance. Mutual feelings of love notwithstanding, technically Mr. Married Man is still the rejector because he cannot commit to his lover until he gets a divorce. When most people think of unrequited love, they think of someone secretly pining away for another. A better description of the dynamic would be someone quietly managing his/her uncertainty about a romantic relationship with another person. That is, someone who knows what to do to win the heart of the object of her/his affection, but will not accept the futility of those efforts. Mistresses by definition are ladies in waiting. Waiting for Mr. Married Man to call. Waiting for Mr. Married Man to break off an hour of personal time for dinner with her in some out of the way location. Waiting for Mr. Married Man to get his finances in order, or his children out of the house, or his parents to die, or the sky to fall so that he can get a divorce and the two of them can be together forever. She knows what to do to keep Mr. Marred Man happy, but she won’t accept that he’s just stringing her along. Unrequited lovers are content to settle for what they can get relationally rather than pursue what they deserve.  Dr. K

Dr. K,

One of my closest friends is dating a man who has major depression. When they first met, he was happy and everything went smoothly for the first 6 months or so. After a while he became despondent and did not see any joy in life. She loves him so much but he refuses to take any medication or seek counseling for his depression. He does not think he has a problem and sees this as a normal reaction to his problems. She does not see any real reason for his depression. This has been going on for about six months. She wants to help him. He has even threatened suicide. She is worried and does not want to see him sent to an institution. He does not have any health insurance. His depression seems to be taking over her life as well. She does not want to leave him at this low point. How can she show she cares for him and not become/stay entangled in a codependent relationship?  Shannon

Shannon
Your friend has an interesting problem. She wants to help someone who does not seem to think he needs it. Because he has not sought treatment, I’m wondering if he’s really “clinically depressed” or just a negative person who faked happiness for 6 months. At this point, I don’t think your friend is in danger of becoming codependent because her boyfriend isn’t acting “needy.” That is, he doesn’t seem to be acting less depressed when she’s nice to him or more depressed when she’s not paying attention to him. Your friend needs to realize that she cannot “fix” her boyfriend–she cannot control his depression with her behavior and should not try. Her job is to encourage him to get help (free mental heathcare is available) and not let his negativity rub off on her. Hanging out with negative people WILL make you less happy.  Dr. K

What is the difference between telling a secret and gossip?  Just curious

Good question, Just curious. Most people think of gossip as telling something bad about another person. But that’s not necessarily true–you can gossip about good news as well. Both are violations of privacy, and both can result in feelings of betrayal. The main difference between the two is the teller’s right to share that information. Secrets are negotiated. X tells Y information while establishing terms for any subsequent telling of that information. No such agreement exists for gossip. Thus, A may be upset with B if she discovers that B is gossiping about her. But, X will be more angry with Y for telling the secret because both agreed that the information would not be shared.  Dr. K

Check out these funny and innovative New Year’s Resolutions! Enjoy these and make some for yourself…Surely you will enjoy!!

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.
I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly….
I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mails to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than “password.”
I will not tell the same story at every get together.
I won’t worry so much.
I will cut my hair.
I will grow my hair.
I will stop considering other people’s feelings when they so obviously don’t consider mine – if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I’ll tell him he stinks!
I will be more imaginative.
I will not hang around girls – they think you love them and that sucks.
I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.

12 Days of Christmas, The 1990s

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note.)
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
ONE — Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Sooo.. Dr. K
I am recently single and one of the girls I work with (my manager) has always had a thing for me (even before becoming my manager), so the other night, slightly drunk we had sex and she even clarified that we are friends. The sex continued for a few days because we were both just “down” …so… she left for the mountains for a couple days and another girl that I work with was coming on strong and in “the weakness of man” took her on a date, sealed the deal, and ended up sleeping with her and we have been having sex the past couple of days and everything is cool.. UNTIL the manager comes back today and found out that I have been sleeping with one of the other employees because of this girl AKA “that girl” AKA dumb random bitch that talks about everyone’s business behind their backs and is liked by nobody.. told the manager that she had seen the girl leave with me after work one night. SO manager texts me last night and is like ” we are done” “im tired of these stupid games” this morning i get the apology text and then she says” I just don’t understand you” “where is your head at”…. OBVIOUSLY im the dumbass that had sex with the woman that makes my schedule and dictates everything.. BAD DECISION.. but it has been made.. Soo.. I like the new girl.. thought it was “just sex” with the manager. WHY CANT IT EVER BE JUST SEX?? anyways How do i deal with my manager to keep things cool? FML and HELLLP!!  Dumbass dude

Dumbass dude,
If I’ve said it once, I’ve saiid it a thousand times–don’t get your meat where you make your bread. It can’t “just be sex” because people who “have a thing for you” don’t “just have sex” with you. I bet your manager gave you the friend line after you two had sex. If so, she did it so that she could ask for a repeat session and you would not get weirded out–or worse, claim sexual harassment. That’s why she sent you the apology text also. You need to come clean with both women. Tell the manager that you thought it was “just sex” and want to move on with the new girl. Then tell the new girl that you slept with the manager but that’s over and you want to move on with her. After you do this, DO NOT flirt or act overly friendly with the manager. Over means over–don’t give AKA “that girl” something to cause confusion about. Also, DON’T flaunt your new relationship in front of your manager. That’s just mean. And if she retaliated, you’d deserve it.  Dr. K

I have a friend, Kristi, who is one of the nicest and most kind hearted people, but because of her insecurities she ends up in relationships where she wants way more than they do, way too quickly. She cannot let go even if they tell her point blank that they don’t want to be with her anymore. She will persist until she gets a reaction that makes her even more upset. She calls multiple times a night, until they change their phone numbers or block her number. She does drive-by’s near their houses, work places and most recently confronted an ex and his new girlfriend at cracker barrel. She shows up at their front door crying and begging to be taken back, pushing these guys further and further away. She has even done drive by’s of an ex’s wedding almost three years after they broke up. How can I tell her that she doesn’t need to act like the crazy psycho ex girlfriend that everyone dreads having? How can she have a happier ending without the dramatics? She is better than this stereotype and needs to learn that she can be happy as an individual after a breakup without the stalking behaviors.  L

L, I think that Kristi is in serious need of professional help. But you know that. The problem is, Kristi doesn’t. The first step to fixing a problem is to recognize that you have one. Kristi seems to have attachment issues–she acts like “being a couple” is the only way that she can feel whole when in reality she just feels more secure belonging to someone. Her behavior indicates that she thinks interaction (no matter how negative) beyond the break up means that she is still in a gf/bf relationship. I bet she makes excuses for the polite rebuffs and casts herself as the victim when the rejection is far less ambiguous. I bet that she stalks an ex until she meets a new guy. If that is the case, Kristi needs to spend some time alone. REALLY ALONE. That means, spending time with herself, friends and/or family NOT stalking or contacting an ex or looking for a new guy. She needs to realize that having a bf does not make her a better person and it won’t help her like herself more. She needs to appreciate her positive qualities and the social benefits that they provide for her separate from how they benefit a bf. If you can help her do all of that, she may be in a better position to enjoy bf/gf relationships and accept the eventual break ups.  Dr. K