Featured topic: LOST LOVE

Let’s get to your questions ….

Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?  Just Curious

I’ve always thought that saying was a crock of sh*t.  From a philosophical point of view, I suppose it is better to experience the euphoria of love and the security of being loved no matter how fleeting than never to know them.  But from a communication point of view, I know that it is good to experience the end of an intimate relationship.  You learn how to feel alive being single again, how to correct and forgive mistakes made by you and your ex, and how to walk out of someone else’s life without destroying that person.  Dr. K

Featured topic: GOSSIP 2

Let’s get to your questions ….

I work in the restaurant business and have noticed that gossip is a prime way of communication among managers and employees. While service to the customers is always the main focus, gossip throughout the restaurant has definitely become another key element of every work day. In a recent conversation, I was told (although I didn’t care to hear it) some compromising information about an employee’s future with the company. This issue was already dealt with by managers the day before, and the employee’s job was safe for the time being. However, the other employees continued to gossip about this employee getting fired with extreme exaggeration, although the issue had already been resolved. So, why is it that people tend to override the definite facts and listen to the gossip, even if this so-called ‘juicy information’ is far from the truth and actually old news?  Lacey

Lacey
Everybody loves a good story. And adding to the characters in a story or the action is the easiest way to attract listeners when that story has been told a million times before. Given that gossip is valued and normative at your workplace, it is not surprising that a story about someone everybody knows “still has legs.” If everybody knows the real story and accepts the embellishments as harmless fun, then there is no actual problem. But, if the add-ons become malicious and/or compromise customer service, the gossip will need to stop.  Dr. K

Featured topic: MISUNDERSTANDINGS

Let’s get to your questions ….

We have a friend named ‘Jake’ and he is a great guy and a hard worker and he loves his kids. But when he gets drunk, he’s totally a different person. He talks a lot as it is, but when he is drunk, it is non-stop. He gets angry and violent and we usually end up having to either choke or knock him out to get him to stop. We have showed him videos of himself when he is like that and we have talked to him while sober and while drunk and its as if his level of misunderstanding is beyond the typical. The question is: is he misunderstaning the fact that we are trying to help him? Or is he just not listening? He also does get it when we don’t invite him to social functions, he thinks its not fair to leave him out, again is he misunderstaning, or just that stupid?  David

I like this question because it is a true interpersonal COMMUNICATION question. Your friend is not stupid because he is not interacting with himself–he is behaving in relation to someone else (i.e., you or your friends). It is actually more accurate to say that ALL of you are stupid because you are repeating the same pattern of ineffective behavior. Talking to Jake or showing him video of himself afterward isn’t the answer, nor is choking or knocking him out once he’s drunk. The key is to understand how he gets to the point of obnoxious drunk. What part are you and your friends playing in this dynamic? Are you guys inviting him to social functions where the alcohol is flowing? Does someone hand him a beer or show him the bar when he arrives? Are you telling him not to get drunk or act like an asshole when YOU are half drunk and talking loud? Do you laugh at some of the stuff he does while he’s buzzed but not drunk? The point I’m trying to make is, what is the pattern of behavior or talk that leads to “Jake the Obnoxious Drunk,” and what can you do to break this pattern? You said that he gets it when you don’t invite him to social functions. Fine–try inviting him to parties where NO alcohol is served. Let him get a feel for having fun without alcohol. But don’t treat this as a quick fix. Don’t think that Jake being good at a no alcohol party means you can reward him with an invite to a party where alcohol is served. If alcohol is the trigger to bad behavior, you must be willing to exclude it from ALL social functions with Jake FOREVER.  Dr. K

Featured topic: STALKING 2

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,

One of the issues with ORI that I find most interesting is where the line should be drawn between persistence and obsession. One of my friends, let’s call him George, illustrates the potential problem. He has been pursuing a woman for over a year now, and shows no sign of losing interest despite her dating other guys. None of her relationships last very long, never more than a couple of months, and when she isn’t dating someone else she does flirt with George quite a bit. When she is dating another man, George acts jealous and he gets annoying rather quickly. He does stupid things like call her all day long to find out where she is or if she’s with the “other guy”, he gives her gifts (usually with a sappy card talking about how much he loves her even if she doesn’t love him back), sometimes he even follows her so that he can ‘accidentally’ bump into her while she’s out.

I’ve tried telling him that his behavior is creepy and borderline, if not outright, stalking at times, but he insists it’s just him “not giving up on her”. He doesn’t act this way when she’s single, but she pays more attention to him then… it’s only when she has another guy that she tells George to leave her alone. I’ve even tried telling him (and so have others) that he bothers her (in the long run) and that she’s just using him as a stand-in sort of boyfriend when she doesn’t have someone she likes better, but he’s still convinced that she’s just playing hard to get.

So does this situation still count as an example of ORI? She definitely has told him to cool it, even if she’s more receptive at other times, so it seems to me he should just stop his pursuit entirely. Or is he right that this is somehow the makings of a romantic, ‘tell the grandkids someday’, story of how he never gave up on ‘true love’?  Chrisey

Chrisey
The criterion for stalking generally lies with the victim–does she feel that George is intruding on her privacy? Given the hot and cold nature of her interactions with George, it would seem as though she sees him as more persistent than a stalker. Additionally, George behaves more like an unrequited lover than a stalker. His pursuit tactics seem constant rather than escalating and he sounds emotionally hopeful rather than angry or theatening. Stalkers tend to ‘imagine’ encouragement from their victims–they read acknowledgements of love into every positive or negative encounter with their victims. George isn’t imagining encouragement; he’s getting it from his lady friend. If doing what he’s doing gets her some of the time, it’s reasonable for him to assume trying harder will get her fulltime. I agree with you, she’s using him as her cuddle bitch. When he grows tired of playing that role, you will discover how much of a stalker he is inclined to be.  Dr. K

Featured topic: UNREQUITED LOVE

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr K,

I understand the relationship in which there is a would-be lover and a rejector. But in the situation where there is a married man, and single woman who equally like/love each other, is it still unrequited love? If so how? The married man is not technically a rejector per the books definition because he likes/loves the woman just as much.  Ashley

Ashley
Definitions are not taffy, but I think that an affair with a married man could be considered as unrequited love because it is a situation in which one person wants a romantic relationship but the other cannot commit to it by choice or circumstance. Mutual feelings of love notwithstanding, technically Mr. Married Man is still the rejector because he cannot commit to his lover until he gets a divorce. When most people think of unrequited love, they think of someone secretly pining away for another. A better description of the dynamic would be someone quietly managing his/her uncertainty about a romantic relationship with another person. That is, someone who knows what to do to win the heart of the object of her/his affection, but will not accept the futility of those efforts. Mistresses by definition are ladies in waiting. Waiting for Mr. Married Man to call. Waiting for Mr. Married Man to break off an hour of personal time for dinner with her in some out of the way location. Waiting for Mr. Married Man to get his finances in order, or his children out of the house, or his parents to die, or the sky to fall so that he can get a divorce and the two of them can be together forever. She knows what to do to keep Mr. Marred Man happy, but she won’t accept that he’s just stringing her along. Unrequited lovers are content to settle for what they can get relationally rather than pursue what they deserve.  Dr. K

Featured topic: CODEPENDENCE

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,

One of my closest friends is dating a man who has major depression. When they first met, he was happy and everything went smoothly for the first 6 months or so. After a while he became despondent and did not see any joy in life. She loves him so much but he refuses to take any medication or seek counseling for his depression. He does not think he has a problem and sees this as a normal reaction to his problems. She does not see any real reason for his depression. This has been going on for about six months. She wants to help him. He has even threatened suicide. She is worried and does not want to see him sent to an institution. He does not have any health insurance. His depression seems to be taking over her life as well. She does not want to leave him at this low point. How can she show she cares for him and not become/stay entangled in a codependent relationship?  Shannon

Shannon
Your friend has an interesting problem. She wants to help someone who does not seem to think he needs it. Because he has not sought treatment, I’m wondering if he’s really “clinically depressed” or just a negative person who faked happiness for 6 months. At this point, I don’t think your friend is in danger of becoming codependent because her boyfriend isn’t acting “needy.” That is, he doesn’t seem to be acting less depressed when she’s nice to him or more depressed when she’s not paying attention to him. Your friend needs to realize that she cannot “fix” her boyfriend–she cannot control his depression with her behavior and should not try. Her job is to encourage him to get help (free mental heathcare is available) and not let his negativity rub off on her. Hanging out with negative people WILL make you less happy.  Dr. K

Featured topic: BRAIN TEASERS

There were no questions this week so I decided to post this overlooked goodie from my archives.

TAKE THE IDIOT TEST

It’s ALOT of fun!!!!!