WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND?
Why does my mother criticize everything that I do? How do I tell my parents that I’m gay? How do I get my sister to stop taking my stuff? What’s the best way to form a relationship with my mom’s new boyfriend?
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(see REPLY links to respond to questions)
Dear Dr. K,
HELP! My friend told me about your column and I really need some advice. I have been dating this guy, Brad, for about three years now. We are both graduating in the Spring and already have jobs lined up after graduation. Not to sound cheesy but I know he is the one for me and we have already started talking about getting married. We come from very different families and we have both come to love and accept each other’s backgrounds despite our differences. I am a Christian and he isn’t, but he doesn’t mind the fact that I am or that I want to raise my children as Christians. Now to the problem… my family. I come from a pretty conservative and religious background and I am known as the “liberal” one in the family. I have always been honest with my parents (especially my mom) about my opinions, plans, and pretty much everything else. They have always been supportive of me. However, whenever I bring up the fact that Brad and I want to get married, all hell breaks loose. It pretty much turns into a huge fight between my mom and I and ends up with one of us walking away so we have chosen to simply avoid the topic. It is very important to me that I have my parents’ blessing but it just seems like it is never going to happen. I feel like we will never agree on the subject and I don’t know what to do. I have tried talking to her calmly about my feelings but even if it starts out calm, it ends up…well not. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Lost and In Love
Lost and In Love
Let’s take a giant step backwards. What are you and your mother arguing about? Is your mother afraid that Brad will cause you to abandon your faith and you will burn in hell for all eternity? Or, does your mother want you to understand the difficulty of making a marriage work when the husband and wife are “unevenly yoked?” Are you trying to get your mother to accept that your faith is only part of who you are? Or, do you think that your mother is using the faith objection as an excuse for not liking Brad? Philosophical debates about the role of faith in marital satisfaction will never get resolved. Conflict over honoring rituals like baptisms/christenings, church every Sunday, and/or watching in the New Year should be resolved. Find out what is the real problem. Avoidance and withdrawal can be useful in a conflict situation, but most often they are seen as manipulative strategies for winning an argument. They tend to breed resentment because they short circuit the process of solving the problem. You cannot get married without your mom–you will regret it forever if you leave her out. Talk to her. Reassure her that marrying Brad is not just a manifestation of “being liberal.” Ask Brad to participate in these discussions. Your mother may be more likely to face her fears in a more civil way if the source is sitting in front of her.
Dr. K
My sister never has time to talk to me on the telephone. Whenever I call her to say ‘hello’ or talk about our parents or ANYTHING, she says “yeah Karen–love you. I’m in the middle of something. Gotta go.” I love my little sistah and want to keep in touch. I realize that she is busy–so am I. But REALLY! What can I do to get her to talk to me, or better yet, call me?
SISTAH!!!
Thanks for calling me out on my website, Karen. I love you too. A few of the reasons that I rush you off the telephone are times that are convenient for you to talk are not always convenient for me–there is a time zone difference, remember? Also, when we talk, your attention is divided by what you are doing (driving and/or yelling at your child). To be honest, I just don’t think that the occasional phone call matches the commitment to each other that I crave. I’d like to think that we are “close” and I want communication with you that feels more personal and less obligatory. Perhaps we could see each other more often. Your visit this summer was great. Perhaps we could get more in sync with each other about a time to talk that is more convenient for both of us. I’ll make more of an effort if you will. After all, we ain’t getting any younger?
A friend of mine just found out she is pregnant. She’s 22 years old, unmarried and just a few months away from graduating from college. She wants to get an abortion. She hasn’t said anything about the pregnancy to her parents and won’t say anything to them about the abortion if she gets it. The “father” is encouraging her to remain silent. I think that she should talk it over with her folks. Should she tell her parents or keep quiet?
Just curious
This is a tough one. Your question involves the right or wrong about having an abortion and the present and future relationship that your friend has with her parents. Given the way that you have referred to the “father,” my guess is that his involvement is a non factor. I’m not going to comment on should she have the abortion or not. I want to deal with whether or not mom and dad should assist with the decision. An unplanned/unwanted pregnancy is a stressful situation anytime. To make clear decisions, you need people around you who will support you, not judge you. If your friend’s parents are overly judgmental or abusive, they should not take part in the process. That is, don’t tell them. Realize that even the best parents in the world will be surprised and disappointed initially. But if she knows that they normally help her in a supportive way whenever she asks for their advice, she should tell them. Tell your friend to understand one thing, however. If she chooses to have an abortion and keep it a secret, she can NEVER reveal that secret. Unless your friend is the Queen of Denial and wants to forget that this episode in her life EVER happened, she cannot share this information at a later date. Unlike wine, these kinds of family secrets do not get “better” with time.
Don
Unfortunately for you, James and his mother come as a package. If you break up with her, than means you have to break up with him. It’s not like you can meet a new woman and incorporate James into that relationship. You need to make a clean break with both of them. That means, you need to have “the conversation” with mom and James, but not at the same time. Don’t talk to one and disappear on the other–it’s not fair. Make sure that you say the same thing to both of them. Make sure that you say something value neutral like “things aren’t working out.” Please omit details like “the only reason I’ve stayed with you this long is because I like your son better than you.” If the break up is a surprise to the mom, using the same reasoning lessens the chance that she will use James to get you back. Or worse, ruin his memories of you by creating a story in which you are the bad guy who left them for no reason.
Dr. K
Last year I met a woman with a 5 year old son named James. My relationship with the mother is good, but I really enjoy the times that I spend with James. He’s a great kid–full of life and love. I don’t feel like a big brother to him; I feel like a dad–someone that he can look up to, someone that he trusts and can count on. The problem is, I’ve lost my enthusiasm for the relationship with the mother but I don’t want to stop seeing James. Is there a way to break up with the mother without breaking up with James?