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What is the best way to break up with someone? If she jumps into my bed naked, how do I when “no means no?” How do I get a girl to go out with me? How do I get my boyfriend to propose?
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Dr. K.,
What do you think are three key ways or styles of communicating that will improve conflict management within a romantic relationship.
Trahern
There are only two ways to address conflict in a romantic relationship context–deal with it or avoid it. A LOT of romantic arguments are not worth having. NOT because they are over unimportant issues, but because you are likely to say something hurtful that should not have been said. Learn to pick your battles. When necessary, short circuit the fight by changing the subject or just giving in. Recognize the difference between your partner needing to work something out with you and your partner just wanting your attention. On the occasions that you need to deal with the issue, you can stand your ground or problem solve. Sometimes you need to put your foot down with your partner. Don’t be mean about it–just be firm about the limits of your flexibility. On other occasions, you need to collaborate with your partner. Here’s a tip. If the issue only effects you, stand your ground. If it effects both of you, work it out together.
Dr. K,
One of the issues with ORI that I find most interesting is where the line should be drawn between persistence and obsession. One of my friends, let’s call him George, illustrates the potential problem. He has been pursuing a woman for over a year now, and shows no sign of losing interest despite her dating other guys. None of her relationships last very long, never more than a couple of months, and when she isn’t dating someone else she does flirt with George quite a bit. When she is dating another man, George acts jealous and he gets annoying rather quickly. He does stupid things like call her all day long to find out where she is or if she’s with the “other guy”, he gives her gifts (usually with a sappy card talking about how much he loves her even if she doesn’t love him back), sometimes he even follows her so that he can ‘accidentally’ bump into her while she’s out.
I’ve tried telling him that his behavior is creepy and borderline, if not outright, stalking at times, but he insists it’s just him “not giving up on her”. He doesn’t act this way when she’s single, but she pays more attention to him then… it’s only when she has another guy that she tells George to leave her alone. I’ve even tried telling him (and so have others) that he bothers her (in the long run) and that she’s just using him as a stand-in sort of boyfriend when she doesn’t have someone she likes better, but he’s still convinced that she’s just playing hard to get.
So does this situation still count as an example of ORI? She definitely has told him to cool it, even if she’s more receptive at other times, so it seems to me he should just stop his pursuit entirely. Or is he right that this is somehow the makings of a romantic, ‘tell the grandkids someday’, story of how he never gave up on ‘true love’?
On ORI, I have found mysef on the negative end of this situation quite a few times. As I stated in class, I have approached a woman before and had her almost immediatly assume I was the stalker type. I think that in this day and time so many women are conditioned to be aware (or beware) of the potential for being a victim, so much so that many times women are guilty of ‘jumping the gun’. A few more examples of this that I have experienced in the last few years. When I was a sophmore at UNCW I had 2 classes with the same girl, she was attractive and friendly and we sat near each other in both classes, just a circumstance. One day she asked what I was doing for lunch and I just said, ‘chic-fil-a’ she wanted to go with me. At the time I was with my girlfriend, who would later be my wife, we had been together for over a year at this point. I didn’t think too much of the event, I figured the girl just wanted to discuss some of the stuff we were doing in class. About a month goes by in the semester and one weekend I’m at the grocery store with my girlfriend and I bump into the girl from class. I say hi, and she loses her mind! “Are you f-ing following me?! Get the F away from me you creep!” Sharon (the girlfriend) looks at me and says, “what was that about?” I explain that it was the girl from class and I guess she got the wrong idea. Next day in class, she has not only dropped both classes but I get a letter in the mail from the sheriff”s office to ceace and dissist.
The question I have here is this: did the girl actually in her twisted mind think I was a stalker? Or was it the case that she actually liked me and when she saw me with my girlfriend she got jealous and flipped out, then to save face went through with the added measures?
Chrisey
The criterion for stalking generally lies with the victim–does she feel that George is intruding on her privacy? Given the hot and cold nature of her interactions with George, it would seem as though she sees him as more persistent than a stalker. Additionally, George behaves more like an unrequited lover than a stalker. His pursuit tactics seem constant rather than escalating and he sounds emotionally hopeful rather than angry or theatening. Stalkers tend to ‘imagine’ encouragement from their victims–they read acknowledgements of love into every positive or negative encounter with their victims. George isn’t imagining encouragement; he’s getting it from his lady friend. If doing what he’s doing gets her some of the time, it’s reasonable for him to assume trying harder will get her fulltime. I agree with you, she’s using him as her cuddle bitch. When he grows tired of playing that role, you will discover how much of a stalker he is inclined to be.
Here is a question on stalking vs. unrequited love. What if both persons involved are swaying from victim to victimizer due to their own insecurities? People stalk because they are living fantasy relationships? Sometimes the fantasy world is more appealing. What if both persons feel they need each other at times, but other times they can stand alone? Is one a “stalker” if he has known the other person intimately for years, and if the woman has not told him to go away?
In a situation such as this, I agree with Dr. K. I think that George is just being persistent, rather than stalker-ish. However, in a situation this girl finds love in someone else (potentially for the long-term, even marriage), I think that George’s persistence could turn into actual stalker status. Of course, you know your friend better than I do, but once your this girl steps out of her typically relationship trend, and moves into something more serious, George may not like that – then rather than just trying to make the ‘lover’ of this girl jealous, he might start showing anger. I think type of relationship between the girl and George has the potential to escalate, but for the time being, it just seems like he is being persistent.
Unrequited love: the age old tale of victim and victimizer. Do you believe that every story of unrequited love is one of victimization? What if the idea of that relationship WAS to feel Victimized? Or be the one who must break hearts? Why? Maybe it is an initiation for allowing a real relationship to develop. We give such negative connotations to relationships like this,, yet most of us are in one, or have been in one. Is our initiative right to be victimized and truly KNOW someone on such intimacy levels that few can experience? I say….allow the relationships to evolve naturally, because after all, our life is about how we relate to others.