January 3, 2012
From 1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said
Marion Berry, former mayor of Washington D.C., is famous for his ability to mix up words. Talk about mangling the language!
What we have here is an egregemous miscarriagement of taxitude.
I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria, or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?
People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn’t break, would it be my responsibility to fix them? Would it?
December 27, 2011
I resolve to manage my time better so that I can spend more of it with my family.
What’s your resolution for 2012?
December 1, 2011
Amazon’s top rated clothing item based on customer reviews
Go figure.
November 22, 2011
12 Reasons to be Thankful you Burnt the Bird!
- Salmonella won’t be a concern.
- Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
- Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
- Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
- Pets won’t bother to pester you for scraps.
- No one will overeat.
- The smoke alarm was due for a test.
- Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
- You’ll get to the desserts even quicker.
- After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
- The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
- You won’t have to face three weeks of turkey sandwichiches.
More Turkey Day humor here.
November 15, 2011
Check out more from Shannon Wheeler
November 8, 2011
November 1, 2011
Students, take note:
Knowledge is power,
But power corrupts.
Corruption is a crime,
And crime doesn’t pay.
So if you keep on studying, you’ll go broke.
October 25, 2011
October 18, 2011
September 28, 2011
FROM LIFE’S LITTLE INSTRUCTION BOOK
- Pray not for things, but for wisdom and courage.
- Be forgiving of yourself and others.
- Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly.
- Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen every day.
- Don’t waste time learning the “tricks of the trade.” Instead, LEARN THE TRADE.
September 22, 2011
THINGS I LEARNED IN COLLEGE
- That it didn’t matter how late I scheduled a class; I’d sleep through it.
- That I could change so much and barely realize it.
- That if you wear polyester everyone will ask you, “Why are you so dressed up?”
- That every clock on campus shows a different time.
- That if you were smart in high school–so what?
- That I would go to a party the night before a final.
September 6, 2011
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "WOW! What a ride!"
August 30, 2011
August 23, 2011
August 16, 2011
3 Simple Methods for Having Great Conversations with Women
by Jason King
Think back to the last time you had a conversation with a woman you were interested in.
Let me ask you something… what were you focusing on the MOST? Was it:
- Wondering if you’ll get her phone number?
- Trying to make a good impression, so she’ll like you?
- Doing your best to sound confident and smooth?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot today, and I realized that one of the biggest mistakes us guys make is that we are too focused on “what she thinks of us” or “if we’re going to get what we want (phone number, first date, sex, etc)”… that we completely forget the purpose of the conversation, which is…
Getting to know the person in front of you!
It sounds simple, but if you remember this when you’re in the real world talking to a real woman, you’ll loosen up, and start genuinely try to get to know her, and she’ll FEEL that.
If she feels like you are actually interested in her, she’ll become MUCH more interested in YOU. I’ve got a few great tips for you to use next time you talk to a nice looking girl. READ MORE
Ah, L’Amour
“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me, neither.” (Drew Carey)
August 2, 2011
Have you ever wanted more than just daily horoscope information? Have you ever wanted information about your overall personality, relationship compatibility, or career potential? Check out the links below–it’s fun and FREE!
July 26, 2011
WOMEN’S ENGLISH
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure… go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = …and carpeting, furniture and wallpaper
Hang the picture anywhere you like = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something really expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re not going to like
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find something good on TV
Does my bum look big in this? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me?!! = (Too late, you’re dead)
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he
goes to sleep
I’m not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think it’s important
MEN’S ENGLISH
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I’d like to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a huge deal out of this
What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are
you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you too = Okay, I said it… we’d better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = It doesn’t look that much different
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other men
(While shopping) I like that one better = Pick any f***ing dress and let’s
go home!
Let’s talk = I’m trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person
so that you’ll have sex with me.
July 19, 2011
TAKE THE IDIOT TEST
It’s ALOT of fun!!!!!
July 12, 2011
Apology Letter from the Wife
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a PICTURE for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
PS. Your girlfriend called.
July 5, 2011
Top 10 Secrets for Living Well
by Clint Eastwood
- Call your own shots.
- Be fearless.
- Keep moving.
- Love your job.
- Speak softly…you know the rest.
- Don’t be predictable.
- Find a good woman.
- Learn to play the piano.
- You are what you drive.
- Avoid extreme makeovers.
June 28, 2011
BLIND DATE
June 21, 2011
Greg Behrendt Quotes
“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a *&%$! phone call.”
“We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don’t mean. We make promises we don’t keep. “I’ll call you.” “Let’s get together.” We know we won’t. On the Human Interaction Stock Exchange, our words have lost almost all their value. And the spiral continues, as we now don’t even expect people to keep their word; in fact we might even be embarrassed to point out to the dirty liar that they never did what they said they’d do. So if a guy you’re dating doesn’t call when he says he’s going to, why should that be such a big deal? Because you should be dating a man who’s at least as good as his word.”
For more quotes from He’s Just Not That Into You, click HERE.
June 14, 2011
The ability to be alone, to have isolation as your primary state of existence, will serve you in good stead in any situation in which you will find yourself. The ability to live in Merged Permanence teaches you only how to function within the context of Another’s neuroses, inadequacies and failings. It teaches you how to use your own neuroses, inadequacies and failings as both cudgel and petition. When the Merged Permanence ends, whether next week, next year, five years from now, ten years from now, you are left with completely useless life skills, emptiness, fear and emotional hunger.
Dave Sim, creator of Cerebus
Need help breaking up with someone?
Check out this BREAK UP LETTER GENERATOR.
JUNE 7, 2011
I don’t need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.
Mature language folks–it’s South Park.
See full episode at http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-episodes/s14e04-you-have-0-friends
MAY 31, 2011
THE SEAMSTRESS
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her
thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?”
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that
she needed it to help her husband in making a
living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble
set with pearls.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked
The seamstress replied, “No.”
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed
with sapphires.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, “Yes.”
The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you
crying?”
“Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!”
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
“Is this your husband?” the Lord asked.
“Yes,” cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”
The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord, it is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney, you
would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would
have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given
me all three. Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to
take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to George
Clooney.”
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women
MAY 23, 2011
Blame is in the eye of the beholder.
As he left for a visit to his outlying districts, the jealous Baron warned his pretty wife: “Do not leave the castle while I am gone, or I will punish you severely when I return!”
But as the hours passed, the young Baroness grew lonely, and despite her husband’s warning, decided to visit her lover who lived in the countryside nearby.
The castle was located on an island in a wide, fast-flowing river, with a drawbridge linking the island and the land at the narrowest point in the river.
“Surely my husband will not return before dawn,” she thought she thought, and ordered her servants to lower the drawbridge and leave it down until she returned.
After spending several pleasant hours with her lover, the Baroness returned to the drawbridge, only to find it blocked by a madman wildly waving a long and cruel knife.
“Do not attempt to cross this bridge, Baroness, or I will kill you,” he raved.
Fearing for her life, the Baroness returned to her lover and asked him for help.
“Our relationship is only a romantic one,” he said. “I will not help.”
The Baroness then sought out a boatman on the river, explained her plight to him, and asked him to take her across the river in his boat.
“I will do it, but only if you can pay my fee of five marks.”
“But I have no money with me!” the Baroness protested.
“That is too bad. No money, no ride,” the boatman said flatly.
Her fear growing, the Baroness then ran crying to the home of a friend, and after again explaining the situation, begged for enough money to pay the boatman his fee.
“If you had not disobeyed your husband, this would not have happened,” the friend said. “I will give you no money.”
With dawn approaching and her last resource exhausted, the Baroness returned to the bridge in desperation, attempted to cross to the castle, and was slain by the madman.
Who is most at fault for the death of the baroness?
MAY 16, 2011
I’m scared to fall in love
Afraid to love so fast
Cuz everytime I fall in love
It never seems to last.
Janet Jackson
