Superman/Wonder Woman

I love this couple SO MUCH.  DC is making a mistake going back to old, boring, married Lois and Clark–raising a young son, notwithstanding.  So I made my own coffee mug with a rare find logo.  I might get a tattoo of that logo.

Check out their story


Now, before you “Merry Christmas” fanatics start….

How many of you have vowed to lose weight, or eat better, or work smarter, or spend more time with family on New Year’s Eve?  And how many of you have lost most of that resolve by MLK Day?  Here’s a suggestion that turns a vice into a virtue.  If you’re like me, you give and get alot of gift cards because you are too lazy to shop.  And most of the time you end up with $1-4 on that card that you cannot spend.  Whenever you find yourself in that situation, go to Gift Card Giver and donate your leftovers to someone in need.  It’s the easiest way to give while you are getting the whole year through.

Happy New Year everybody!!

Featured topic: FAMILY AND DIVORCE 2

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,
I am a 40 year-old woman and have now been divorced for one year at the end of this month. I have two children whose ages are 12 and 8 that I share custody with my ex-husband. During my twelve-year marriage with my ex-husband, he became verbally abusive towards my children and me, especially when he had been drinking. Even though I wanted to divorce him earlier in our marriage, I could not bring myself to do it because I feared for my safety and how he might react as well as I was trying to be conscious of my children’s emotional state and how it would affect their lives moving forward. Recently, I have been seeing a neighbor down the street and he is a really great guy and loves my kids. However, I am scared to tell my ex-husband that I am seeing someone out of fear of how he could potentially react. Most importantly, I am scared that he will take his anger out on our children when they are over at his house for the week. Moving forward in our post marital relationship, I want to be able to disclose information to him but I am uncertain of how much I should disclose to him. I want our relationship to be healthy for our kids so they grow up in a happy environment, but I am scared if I tell him the wrong things it could result in him trying to divide our family and make the children pick a side of who they want to live with. Should my children and I continue to keep my dating relationship a secret, or should I tell him now and not risk him finding out on his own and making the situation worse? Dr K, what is appropriate for us to disclose to each other and what should we keep to ourselves? Please help!!  Mother in Distress

Dear Mother in Distress,
You sound like a woman who is still living the trauma of a former relational life. Therefore, I am going to suggest that you seek counseling or the support of a strong network of friends and/or family as you continue your transition out of your marriage. Generally speaking, I am not one who believes much in therapy, but in your case, I don’t think you will be able to follow thru with my advice without professional guidance and/or support. Now, about your question … HELL NO, DO NOT TELL YOUR EX ANYTHING. You are no longer married to that man; he does not need to know about anything that goes on in your household or personal life. Talk about child support and the kids–that’s it. Instruct the kids not to say anything about your personal life or you in general to their father. And don’t ask them anything about their father’s life when they return from visits with him. I’m not saying this just because he was abusive to you and your kids (although that should be reason enough), or because I don’t want you to have a healthy relationship with your ex-husband. I’m saying this because you and your kids need time to heal from his prior abuse. You need more time to become a strong, independent woman/lover/friend/mother before you can think about forging a healthy, post marriage relationship with him. How long will it take? Until you no longer care or fear his reactions to what you say and do.  Dr. K

Featured topic: SWEARING AT WORK

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,

I am a college student at UNCW. I have been working at a new job for a few weeks now and things have started to get awkward. My boss, who is a woman and has been working at this business for many years, constantly swears in the workplace and usually in inappropriate situations. Many of my coworkers have come to me saying to “shrug it off.” I am not sure if this is normal to them or not, but they do not seem to have a problem with it. In a normal situation this would not bother me so much, but this is not what I expected in my workplace atmosphere. I was hoping that my boss swearing would not affect me as much as it has, but it is starting to reach a tipping point and I am not sure what I should do. For me, it is startling that my female boss is swearing so much on the job and I think it is already affecting the quality of my work. Maybe I would expect it more if it were a man. Am I wrong to think that? Do you think it would be a good idea to report her to the superiors in the company like my conscious wants me to do, confront my boss directly, go with the flow, or just quit? Dr. K, what do I do?  Worried Worker

Dear Worried Worker,
This hits a little close to home, but I think I can help. Which one offends you most–swearing on the job? Female supervisor swearing on the job? Or, female supervisor swearing on the job and no one else cares? I don’t think it’s the first option, though it should be. If you feel that swearing at work is inappropriate, then it’s inappropriate no matter who does it. Shame on you for your double standard. Given that it’s the second one, you should talk to your boss about it IN PRIVATE. Ask for a meeting, tell her that her profanity is affecting your work (NOT that women shouldn’t do it!) and ask her to curb it in your presence. Then give her time to comply. If she obviously looks like she doesn’t care what you think, chat with the company supervisors. NEVER go over your supervisor’s head BEFORE you’ve aired a grievance with her/him. Now, let’s assume it’s the third case–your female supervisor swears on the job and no one else seems to care. You may want to start looking for another job. Generally, coworkers and supervisors have little empathy for people made uncomfortable by behavior that is not against company policy or illegal. And, because you have made your disdain for her behavior public, those that like her may/will choose to make your work life more uncomfortable. Whatever you choose to do, do not “go with the flow.” Maintain your professionalism and do whatever you chose to do QUIETLY.  Dr. K

Featured topic: “CATFISH”

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,
My best friend is not used to getting much attention from boys. She is the shy type, so she doesn’t really put herself out there enough to get noticed. Earlier this month, she got a message on Facebook from a cute boy that is not one of her “friends.” He said a friend recommend he get to know her better. At first she was a little weary of this stranger and they only talked about surface-level things like home and school, but when he started to tell her more things about himself, she did the same. She stopped letting me read their conversations and would actually turn her phone away when they were Facebook messaging because it was “private”. I try to tell her it’s a little sketchy that he can never meet up with her. She wants to, but he makes excuses every time! We are all familiar with the show Catfish….and I think it’s extremely weird that she started sharing so much personal information with this boy so fast without ever meeting him!!! I don’t want her to get hurt because like I said, she doesn’t get this kind of attention often. But, I also know she would not be sharing this kind of information with a boy if she was getting to know him in person. How can I very nicely tell her this “relationship” needs to stop?  Help Dr. K!  Concerned best friend

Dear Concerned best friend,
Why do you want to take your friend’s online relationship away from her? She met a guy she’s into and he seems to dig her too. She’s finally found a relationship context where her shyness doesn’t hold her back from getting to know a guy she likes. And you think that’s bad? OK, so he’s not ready to take the relationship offline yet. Can you really blame him? The two been talking less than a month and have shared some pretty deep information. It’s easy to talk about yourself to someone when you don’t have to risk witnessing his/her disapproval of something that you’ve said. Lot’s of people meet online and communicate that way for years for that reason. Some of them get married and live happily ever after. Stop trying to run this for your friend. This is HER relationship, NOT YOURS–butt out! Besides, it’s not your job to protect her from herself. You cannot keep her from getting hurt. ALL relationships hurt when they end and ALL of them eventually end by choice or circumstance. If avoiding hurt was the goal of any romantic relationship, we would never get in them. I’m sure your friend is a smart girl; let her experiment on her own.  Dr. K

Featured topic: PERCEPTIONS

Dear Dr. K,
I am entering my second (sophomore) year here at XXXX and feel as if my social circle of friends is falling apart drastically. I came to XXXX not knowing anyone. To help find people I thought that I would mesh well with, I went to many club meetings in my first few weeks. I hit it off with some people in the sailing club and proceeded to become very good friends with them. Things were going great until this summer when my parents informed me that the club was too expensive for them to help me pay for, leaving myself to pay for the $500 cost per semester.
This would grow to be a much bigger problem than just a financial one. As I said earlier, I feel at risk of losing all of the friends I worked hard to make here at school. By being unable to be in the sailing club, I am unable to hang out with my good friends. I was afraid to tell them that i would not be in the club so I just kept it quiet. Eventually they all asked why I no longer showed up to the docks to meet. I tried to tell them that it was a financial situation, but I received very little sympathy from them. They have never been in a situation where money was a problem, so when they heard me using this as an excuse, they just attributed it to me being stuck up and stingy/not wanting to hang with them. In return, I attributed their misunderstanding as looking down on me for not having money-this came to a climax last week when I got into an argument with one of my friends over the matter. Dr. K, what can i do to clear up the waters and mend this situation. I still want to be friends with them, I just don’t want them to think I am avoiding them for a different reason. Can you help?   Cool Winds Sailing

Dear Cool Winds Sailing
That’s a good question. I can understand this kind of conflict over a lie, but you are in trouble because you told the truth. Hmm …. Maybe you need to think about WHY your friends can’t accept the truth. You know, what sort of thought processes got them to “you are stuck up and stingy therefore you don’t want to hang out with them?” Maybe your friends can’t understand why you’d rather avoid them than find a way to make more money so you can continue hanging out with them. In the past, did you ever act like money was an issue for you? Did you ever beg off of picking up the tab for beer or food due to a lack of funds? Did you ever bad-mouth your obvious need for a job? Maybe your friends can’t admit that they are lame and NEED sailing club events to meet people. Don’t you all have anything else in common? Do they know ANYBODY outside of the sailing club? Look, my advice to you is get a job making the $500 a month needed for club expenses or come up with a less expensive way to spend together. Real friends find a way to work stuff like this out.  Dr. K


Golf vs. Greed

Do you know who in 1923 was:
President of the largest steel company?
President of the largest gas company?
President of the New York Stock Exchange?
The greatest wheat speculator?
President of the Bank of International Settlement?
The “Great Bear” of Wall Street?

Considered some of the world’s “most successful” men , they really only found the secret of making huge amounts of money. Now, more than 75 years later, here’s what became of them:

The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, died insane.
The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.

The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championships, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Until he recently passed away quietly in his sleep, he was still playing golf and was solvent.

Potential Conclusion: Don’t be greedy; play golf.


The United Nations has proclaimed today International Day of Happiness.  In honor of that, we have been asked to participate in a social media campaign.  So, if you have a Twitter or Facebook account, let your friends and followers know what song makes you happy and/or smile.  Mine is a blast from the past!




I hope you are enjoying Black Saturday!

I hope you are enjoying Black Saturday!




Featured topic: BROKEN FAMILY TIES

Let’s get to your questions …

Dear Dr. K,

I am 17 years old and my parents have been divorced for exactly two years now. During these two years and still to this day, my mom chooses my younger sister and me to be the ones she vents to about our father. They had a great marriage until the last five years of it. They fought all of the time and it got to the point where we did not even feel like a happy family anymore. My mom did not work during their marriage. After the divorce, she got a job and recently had to find a second job in order to not only support us but herself. Therefore, she is tired a lot and it seems as if she is always complaining about my dad. I have a great relationship with my dad and my mom; however, they both hate one another. My mom always says that she knows I am already half of a better man than my dad ever was or will be. My sister has taken my mom’s side through all of this but I cannot just cut off my own dad like that. I love my mom and want to be there for her always but I cannot deal with listening to her bad mouth my dad anymore. My dad never talks bad about my mom to either of us but my mom is constantly talking about dad. My mom wants me to dislike my dad but it is hard when he never says a negative thing to me about the whole situation. How should I confront her in the best way to not hurt her feelings? I honestly just want a relationship with both of my parents, is that too much to ask?  A Lost Son

Dear Lost Son,
This one is hard. I know how to answer your question, but I’m not certain if it will yield the result you want. It appears that your mother is having a hard time adjusting to the divorce. Two years may be a short time to heal, but your father seems to have moved on and your mother needs to begin the process of doing the same as well. Part of moving on is letting go of the hurt associated with the divorce and making friends with people her own age. To address YOUR problem, I suggest you take your mom out to lunch and gently tell her that you love her AND Dad and want her to spend more time hanging out with you and your sister having fun and less time complaining and pumping you for information about Dad. Be prepared for the pity-party from Mom. Parents don’t like being told what to do by their children. She’s gonna accuse you of abandoning her and siding with your father, but just give her some time and space. If you think the situation could become unbearable, solicit the help of an adult that your mother trusts. Ask this person to get your mom out and having fun again. Ask this person to help your mom understand how you feel about her and your dad. If your mom can commit to having adult fun and talking out the troubles with adult friends, you won’t feel caught in the middle anymore.  Dr. K

Featured topic: TENSIONS

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 months now. In the first few months after we first got together everything was awesome, and I loved spending as much time as I could with him (we were hardcore in the honeymoon phase). We started dating at the start of the summer though, and since school has started back we’ve not been able to spend as much time together. I’ve been pretty busy with school and a new job so when I get free time I like to spend it relaxing by myself or with my friends as well as hanging out with him. He doesn’t work that much though, and constantly wants to spend all of his free time with me.
I definitely still love him and enjoy spending time with him, but I’m having trouble balancing his constantly wanting to be with me and me, personally wanting time to myself. How can I make him understand that we can still be close without spending every spare second together?  A lover & a loner

Dear A Lover & A Loner,
I find it interesting that you have phrased your question in a way that indicates that your boyfriend’s behavior is the only problem. It takes two to make a relationship and two to fix it. Granted, your boyfriend’s need to be joined at the hip to you can be troublesome, but your need for autonomy and it’s only been three months exacerbates his clinging behavior. In other words, the less you miss him, the more he longs for you. Two things need to happen to make this relationship more comfortable for both of you. First, schedule time for your BF. Being in a relationship means making it as much a priority as everything else you value in your life. If you can’t do that, walk away. Also, let your BF know that you are thinking of him when you are apart. Send random text messages to him, but be certain to turn your phone off before he can respond. All you want to do is communicate commitment to the relationship, not give him opportunities to intrude on your private time. Second, help him reclaim the person he was before he met you. Your BF has too much free time and nothing to look forward to except seeing you. Encourage him to reconnect with friends and activities that occupied his time before you came along. If he was lonely and/or had no real life before you–RUN AWAY. It’s really not that far a move from clingy BF to stalker ex.  Dr. K

Featured topic: BAD HOOK UPS

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,
I have been close friends with a particular guy for a year and a half. We do everything together but have remained ‘just friends’. The past year and a half I’ve had a slight crush on him, but nothing ever got out of hand and neither one of us ever made a move. Fast forward to a week ago…. He told me he had had feelings for me and asked me out on an ‘official’ date. It was like everything fell into place and of course I said YES! Anyways, our first official date was AMAZING. We went to our favorite restaurant, a movie and the beach, all as an ‘official’ couple (or so I thought) So naturally, we hooked up. He didn’t stay the night, but I assumed everything was fine.

He hasn’t spoken to me since. I’ve tried texting him and calling to no avail. I’m so upset because I thought we were at the very least— FRIENDS. I feel like I deserve an explanation. Is he a total jerk, or did I do something wrong? Help…  Wham, Bam …WhereYouGoing?

Dear Wham, Bam … WhereYouGoing?
It might have been a combination of both–you did something wrong and he’s a bit of a jerk. First, you two were never “friends.” He might have considered you a friend, but you were never his. That’s why it took a year and a half for him to ask you out. And, because you had a crush on him the whole time, your motives for interacting with him and your interpretations of his responses were tainted. Second, you slept with him on the first date. MAJOR NO-NO. Guys expect to work for sex. They may not want to work very hard for it and/or wait very long for it, but waiting beyond the first date is kind of a norm. In fact, some guys use it as a test to determine if the girl is worth a second date. In my opinion, jerks use this as a test. A true friend would have made it clear through words and deeds that you two were just friends. This guy waited over a year to clarify his relationship intentions, seized an opportunity for the sex test, decided that you failed and vanished. Which brings us back to the beginning. You don’t deserve an explanation from him for anything because the two of you were never friends.  Dr. K

Featured topic: THE FRIEND ZONE

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,

There is this guy that I work with and he is literally like my favorite person to be around. Whenever we work together, we have such great conversation but I can’t really tell if it’s just for the sake of work or because he’s into me (like I completely am). We talk about our favorite movies, where were from, our favorite songs, but never anything really intimate or personal. I’m not sure if he has a girlfriend because he never told me and I don’t want to weird him out by being nosy. How do I find out what I want without creeping on every website he signed up with a Username and Password? I want things to go further, but I also don’t want to end up with the shortend of the love stick.  I don’t know where I stand

Dear I don’t know where I stand
I know that girls are supposed to be patient and wait for guys to take the lead in situations like these, but I tend to be direct. Since the two of you have discussed favorite movies already, ask him out to something you both like. Whether he says yes or no, gently follow-up with “do you have a girlfriend or someone like that who might be concerned? If so, ask her to join us.” I think this is a low risk strategy because you get to find out what you want to know without sounding like you have some other motive for enjoying his company.  Dr. K

Featured topic: JEALOUSY

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years now, so you would think we would be stable by now, right? Like most relationships, everything started out great but about a year and a half into the relationship he cheated on me. Most of the advice I received at the time was to leave him, because once a cheater always a cheater and our trust was already ruined. But, I have invested a lot into this relationship and I love him too much. I thought that I had gotten over the whole thing after a few months, but I now find myself skeptical of every little thing. He always tells me that he has to go study with some girl in his class or relates hanging out with other girls to school, so it is hard for me to be mad at him because it can’t be his fault, right? He says that all partners are assigned, but I have my doubts as always. I need to know, am I overreacting by attributing the fact that he always has attractive female group partners to the fact that he is incapable of being faithful? Or should I be worried?

I Think I’m Already Worried

Dear I Think I’m Already Worried
What you should do about your boyfriend depends on how you feel about his original sin and your response to it. What were the circumstances of his infidelity? Did you catch some girl kissing him or did you find out that he seized an opportunity to have sex with someone else? Did you forgive him because you believed in the love that you have for him or to prove to your friends that you did not make a bad boyfriend choice? My advice …. If you truly love your boyfriend and believe the explanation that he gave you for cheating, stop worrying about whom he partners with in class. However, if you want to maintain your dignity in the eyes of your friends, dump that opportunistic sack of crap before he makes a fool of you again.  Dr. K

A Good Cause Gone Bad


Don’t Shoot

Howard University students–in memory of Michael Brown



Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr K,
I’ve been with this guy for almost a period of a year. We had been seeing each other a year before that but never dated due to other circumstances. I was always upfront about it and he accepted it. During the time we stopped talking and had no interaction he started seeing one of his ex’s, he told me he was trying to find what we had with her. This was a part of the past where I wasn’t in the picture so I didn’t give any importance to it. Now, this year that we’ve been together (exclusively though without a title) a few months back we had an issue. He told me he was dragged by friends out to a party. I didn’t think anything of it until he confessed it was with that same ex girlfriend and that he wasn’t dragged to the party and before the party they had gotten something to drink at a Starbucks to talk. I have always been honest with him and I was very upset with this. I told him I felt I couldn’t trust him if he kept lying. They have a long history together but when we spoke on that he assured me she meant nothing and that their relationship was meaningless to him. So much so he then told me that he didn’t care to have her as a friend and wouldn’t speak to her anymore, all on his own. I took this and tried to put it out of mind. A few months passed and during a night he slept over I thought he was awake when he began to talk about her. I asked if they had been talking and he admitted it along with other things I knew to be true. All this was him sleep talking but he was not lying. I asked him the same questions when he woke up and he lied about it. It wasn’t until I told him of his sleep talking that he came clean. It was a while before I gave him another chance. This time he stopped talking to her and we continued. More recently we were on a break of a few weeks and we started seeing each other again. I come to find out from him that he’s been not only talking to her but going out to places with her. I feel so disrespected not to mention like I don’t hold the same value as this girl. He wants to work this out but I can’t trust him if this girl is in our lives. Especially since he talks to her about us, he knows I don’t like it. I think I’m justified in giving him an ultimatum to choose between us but I wanted a nonpartisan opinion.  Incredibly Frustrated

Incredibly Frustrated
I’m going to ask you one question and I don’t want you to be offended. Why have you been in a relationship without a title with a guy for a year? I mean, do you both agree whom you are to one another? And, what’s the hold up on making that relationship public? Given the way he has been acting relative to his ex and how his friends have responded to the way he has been acting, nobody sees the two of you as an exclusive couple but you. In my nonpartisan opinion, you are justified in being angry with your boyfriend, but not in giving him an ultimatum. What is he choosing between? She’s an ex and you are nobody. He’s kinda free to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. I can appreciate that you don’t want to be lied to, but he did it because he didn’t want the drama, NOT because he thought he was cheating on you. Remember, you’re nobody and you can’t cheat on nobody. Squash the ultimatum–he knows you’re not going anywhere. Get this guy to admit he’s YOUR BOYFRIEND to you first and everybody else second. Until you get the title straight, you don’t have grounds to demand anything.  Dr. K

Featured topic: GAMES

Which SUPERHERO are you?



Happy July 14th!!

Featured topic: PROUD TO PLAY

Featured topic: BAD BOYFRIENDS

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,                                                                                                                                                         I have been experiencing problems in my relationship with my boyfriend. He is constantly comparing me to what he sees in the media and doesn’t understand the falsity of advertisements. Is there anyway to make him understand that those results are unattainable?  “Emily”

No, dump him. Your boyfriend is not a child; he should know that you cannot believe everything that you see on TV and read in magazines. His standard is a fantasy. And if he is a COM major and does not know that advertisements visually portray life as we want it to be or believe it could be to sell something, then he is too stupid to date.   Dr. K



Good Advice for the Overly Generous

NO--life lesson

Featured topic: LIVING TOGETHER

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr.K ,

I have been dating this guy John for 3 months now and we decided that we would go ahead and move in together. I guess we just figured that would be the best thing to do because we already spend everyday together and have openly said that we love each other. We met at work and typically work at least 3 shifts a week together. I however, also have another job and the girls there have known me for about 5 years and no one seemed to like the idea of us moving in together so “fast.” The girls at the job we share think that it is the best idea ever and just makes sense so we can save some money. I haven’t discussed the topic with my parents much because they are very traditional and anytime I say something my mom just says “mmmhmmm.”
I do absolutely love spending time with John, going to the gym, having dinner dates and doing couple-like things; however lately things have kind of seemed to lose their spark. When I talked to him about it he acted like nothing was different. I decided to be bold and ask him if he was moving in for the convienence of less bills, or if he really did want a future with me. I told him that I felt like we were playing house, but he just laughed and shook his head. Two days later he told me that I was the one and he really wanted to start a life together.. but if that was the case, why do I have a throw up feeling in my stomach?  To Much, Too Fast

Dear Too Much Too Fast,
Needing to ask John the question explains why you feel sick to your stomach. Look, research suggests that you will follow your heart in this matter rather than your head. That is, you will adhere to John’s assurances instead of my logic because he is your boyfriend and I am a stranger in cyberspace. I don’t mean to sound old fashioned, but living together without a formal assurance of marriage (i.e., an engagement ring) can be dangerous. Let’s say you move in together with two names on a lease (or worse, mortgage) and you begin mingling money, like joint bank accounts. Without the shield of marriage, many bad things can happen to you if your significant other grows tired of you and/or household financial obligations, but still wants access to your money and the comfort it brings. Your lease and joint bank accounts tether you to that relationship. Suppose you move in together and the spark fizzles again. If you’re “playing house,” you might consider calling it quits. After all, it was just a trial run. The problem is, “playing house” lacks the commitment of marriage or an engagement, thus you are less motivated to work out problems that ALL young couples experience. You want to know if too much is happening too soon in your relationship? Let me ask you this–would you say “yes” to a marriage proposal after knowing your boyfriend only 3 months? If your answer is “no,” then it’s too soon.  Dr. K

Featured topic: COWORKER CLASH

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K-

I work in a strict corporate environment. I have many bosses above me, many of whom do not even know my name. My direct superior is a female. She is aware of the fact that I have a wife and kids and am happily married. However, she persistently makes sexual advances and jokes towards me at work. Sometimes I go along with these remarks because she IS my boss and the last thing I want to do is get on her bad side. But, honestly its starting to creep me out. What started out as occasional “qwerky” smiles has recently escalated to bold sexual advances. Even though I do find her attractive, my wife and kids mean the world to me and I am not the type to cheat or be unfaithful in any manner. I often tell her that her actions make me uncomfortable and that I would appreciate it if she stopped putting me in these extremely awkward situations. It’s getting to the point where even co-workers are catching on to this unorthodox activity. I always bring my wife to work related events and I am afraid that my wife may misinterpret the relationship with my boss. I have not mentioned the comments to my wife because I don’t know how to present this behavior in a way where she won’t jump to conclusions. I would like advice on how to stop my boss’ behavior. Because she has more credibility, I am sure that my managers would side with her. My boss has the ability to make my time at work very uncomfortable. Im afraid that if I present my claim I will be fired on the spot and I really need this job to support my family. What should I do?  Creeped Out Co-worker

Dear Creeped-Out Co-worker
What your supervisor is doing isn’t technically sexual harassment, but it is close enough. Since you work in a strict corporate environment, go to Human Resources and report your supervisor. HR will handle it from there. If things go according to policy, your supervisor will be reprimanded or asked to attend a diversity workshop or sensitivity training and her contact with you will decrease and become FAR less friendly. And, because she has less contact with you, she may send fewer high profile projects your way. Not because she wants to make your life more complicated but because she will be instructed to maintain a supervisor–supervisee ONLY relationship with you. I understand your desire to make all of the flirting go away without your boss getting mad at you or any of this affecting your work, but that’s not gonna happen. Your boss forgot the golden rule–you can’t get your meat where you make your bread. This is her hardship to overcome, not yours. The kindest thing you can do is not act weird when she starts acting like a boss and not a bitch in heat. And speaking of acting weird … tell your wife what’s going on. You haven’t done anything wrong; stop acting like you have something to hide.  Dr. K

Featured topic: “JUST FRIENDS”

Let’s get to your questions ….

Hi Dr. K,

So my very best guy friend and I have been really close for almost two years now. We met through his sister when he moved to town. We get along so well, have a lot in common and have a blast whenever we were together. I was attracted to him from the beginning, he is handsome, has a great job, is hilarious and we share some of the same passions. A few months into our friendship things became much more coupley and less friend zone. We’d already communicated a lot, but it became texting all day and even until 2am, just grabbing coffee or hanging out at the beach turned into sitting in the coffee shop for hours with his arm around me and going to dinner and movies. We never talked about the changes, but when i went home for christmas it fizzled out. Since then we’ve both dated someone at a point and but broke things off. When he was dating the girl we didn’t spend as much time together, but still hung out. When I was dating a guy, we hung out all the time and he often talked about how I could do much better and was very enthusiastic when I ended things with him. Since then though nothing much has been different, we still spend a lot of time together, but now he’s “talking” to a girl long distance. But he has started to become extremely flirtatious and we spend even more time together. I’m not sure what to do, should I ask him how he feels about me? Or do you think it could mess up or friendship? Should I say something about my feelings? What’s your advice?
Confused Friend

Dear Confused Friend                                                                                                          There’s the answer according to research, and there’s the answer according to my gut. I’m gonna try to combine the two. Before you consider talking to your friend about your feelings, ask yourself what they are. How do you feel about your friend? Don’t think about what HE might feel. What do YOU feel? Do YOU still feel “friendly” toward him or do YOU want more? If you only have friend feelings toward him (that is, if you have to talk yourself into feeling more), do nothing. Just ride the wave of what he wants to give in terms of attention and warmth and consider yourself lucky. If you genuinely want more, do what you do when you want a guy to date you. Drop OBVIOUS hints that you are ready for sex when he gets affectionate and/or that you are “interested” when he pays attention to you. Remember that this is not a game. Very few dating relationships can go back to that pre-dating, friend state. If you want more, he’s no longer your friend. Commit to getting more or move on–JUST LIKE YOU WOULD DO WITH ANY OTHER GUY. But, if you cannot see yourself going through life without your friend, do what you must to keep him as “just a friend.”  Dr. K


Lets get to your question ….

Dear Dr. K-

I work in a strict corporate environment. I have many bosses above me, many of whom do not even know my name. My direct superior is a female. She is aware of the fact that I have a wife and kids and am happily married. However, she persistently makes sexual advances and jokes towards me at work. Sometimes I go along with these remarks because she IS my boss and the last thing I want to do is get on her bad side. But, honestly its starting to creep me out. What started out as occasional “qwerky” smiles has recently escalated to bold sexual advances. Even though I do find her attractive, my wife and kids mean the world to me and I am not the type to cheat or be unfaithful in any manner. I often tell her that her actions make me uncomfortable and that I would appreciate it if she stopped putting me in these extremely awkward situations. It’s getting to the point where even co-workers are catching on to this unorthodox activity. I always bring my wife to work related events and I am afraid that my wife may misinterpret the relationship with my boss. I have not mentioned the comments to my wife because I don’t know how to present this behavior in a way where she won’t jump to conclusions. I would like advice on how to stop my boss’ behavior. Because she has more credibility, I am sure that my managers would side with her. My boss has the ability to make my time at work very uncomfortable. Im afraid that if I present my claim I will be fired on the spot and I really need this job to support my family. What should I do?  Creeped Out Co-worker

Dear Creeped-Out Co-worker
What your supervisor is doing isn’t technically sexual harassment, but it is close enough. Since you work in a strict corporate environment, go to Human Resources and report your supervisor. HR will handle it from there. If things go according to policy, your supervisor will be reprimanded or asked to attend a diversity workshop or sensitivity training and her contact with you will decrease and become FAR less friendly. And, because she has less contact with you, she may send fewer high profile projects your way. Not because she wants to make your life more complicated but because she will be instructed to maintain a supervisor–supervisee ONLY relationship with you. I understand your desire to make all of the flirting go away without your boss getting mad at you or any of this affecting your work, but that’s not gonna happen. Your boss forgot the golden rule–you can’t get your meat where you make your bread. This is her hardship to overcome, not yours. The kindest thing you can do is not act weird when she starts acting like a boss and not a bitch in heat. And speaking of acting weird … tell your wife what’s going on. You haven’t done anything wrong; stop acting like you have something to hide.  Dr. K


Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,
Hey Dr. K, I’ve heard about the great advice that you have given friends of mine, so I am writing you because I am in need of dire assistance. I just started talking to this girl a few weeks ago. This girl is beautiful! She looks like Beyonce, Halle Berry and Megan Fox all wrapped in one fine piece of skin. I’m almost glad to call her mine. My mother always told me to not trust a big butt and smile and I didn’t listen. For some reason, this girl is all about being Facebook official. Now granted, I do believe that I will become Facebook official eventually, but I don’t even know her that well! I tried to explain to her that my feelings for her are much deeper than any relationship status can show and that she should just calm down. I’m not sneaking around or trying to play her. I’m just not the type to rush into a relationship. Is it really that serious that we aren’t Facebook official? To be honest, we’re not even “Real life” official! She is a cool girl, but the nagging has got to stop. Everyone sees us together all the time anyway. Am I in the wrong because I don’t find the need to open up on Facebook and let the world know my relationship status? What do I do?  What’s the rush

Uhm … I’m confused. She’s beautiful. You’re (almost) glad to call her yours. You’re ignoring your mother’s advice for her. Everyone sees you two together all of the time. And you don’t know if you’re “real life” official as a couple? You need to wake up. This girl is asking you for a commitment. She’s made up her mind that she wants to be exclusive with you and can’t understand why you are still unsure. She’s not interested in hanging around just to enhance your ego. She’s nagging you because she is ready to walk out the door. YOU ARE DATING BEYONCE, HALLE BERRY AND MEGAN FOX ROLLED INTO ONE–THE GIRL HAS OPTIONS, DING DONG!!!! Look, she’s not asking for a wedding ring or to move in with you. All she wants you to do is change your facebook status. Man up and click “in a relationship” or stop wasting her time and walk away. There’s no middle ground here.  Dr. K

Featured topic: SNOOPING

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K, recently my best friend and her boyfriend of several months have been having relationship “issues”. In the beginning, everything was great between the two of them. We are all in the same group of friends, and in a group setting they are still cordial and don’t act awkward. She continually tells me that she loves him but he has been acting weird and stand-offish around her. She says he doesn’t offer as much information about his day and when she asks, he just gives abstract responses. Although they were completely wrong for each other on so many levels (age, personality, values), she is my best friend I feel bad that she is so upset. Anytime we are hanging out as a group, she asks him so many questions about his day, from which he was with to the food he ate, he only responds with simple answers and very rarely does he reciprocate the question. I know it sounds a bit “overly attached girlfriend” but something tells me that she knows that he has been sneaking around and is anxious to find out. She has told me on several different occasions that she has gone through his phone and social networks to see if he has been cheating on her. I can’t say that I don’t blame her, if I was dating someone who out of nowhere changed, I would have so many questions that I would almost be afraid to hear the answer from him. What advice should I give her about determining is he is in fact cheating on her?  The Snoop

Featured topic: HOOK-UP DRAMA

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,
I have been dating this guy for a couple weeks now, and it seems like were really “connecting” on many different levels. Recently, he surprised me with what he thought was my favorite type of flower, wine and a movie. It wasn’t my favorite, but it’s the thought that counts. We watched the movie at my place, and after two bottles of wine one thing led to another, and before I knew it we were having sex. It wouldn’t have been that big of a deal we both knew it was coming, it’s what happened next that really bothered me. Jokingly, before he left, I asked him if he considered us to be Facebook official. He awkwardly laughed, kissed me on the cheek and said, “I’ll let ya know tomorrow.” It has been three days and I have not heard from him and our mutual friends have been acting standoffish as if there is something to hide. I’m wondering if he gossiped about us and our personal information. Did I do something wrong? Or, was I just being used? Should I have waited to ask? I was seriously just joking but I guess next time I decide to say something I’ll think before I jump into conclusions.  Feeling Used

Dear Feeling Used

Wow. I don’t know if I like this guy for doing you a favor or hate him for the way he did it. If I were you I’d stop worrying about whether he’s been talking about you to your mutual friends or if you’ve been used. This wasn’t your boyfriend. You were joking when you asked the facebook question–remember? You just didn’t expect this response after “hitting it off” in the beginning. You figured you’d be the one in the driver’s seat and he would be waiting for your phone call. Look, if you are okay with just seeing this guy for sex and laughs and nothing more, consider this a test. Don’t talk about him to mutual friends and be cool when you see him. He will realize that you can handle a casual relationship, let down his guard and soon you will have him eating out of your hands.  D. K

Featured topic: EXs

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,
I went to a party with my boyfriend last weekend and his ex was there. Their hug seemed to last an eternity. I swear this girl is at every party I go to with him. I don’t know if he chooses these parties because he knows she will be there or what. But I don’t like her always being around and how he always hugs and talks to her when we see her. He is such a flirt with everyone, especially her. It’s like it’s part of his personality that he just has to flirt with everyone. Should I break up with him before he breaks up with me to get back together with her? Should we avoid her? What should I do?!?! Please help!  Am I the Third Wheel?

Dear Am I the Third Wheel

You are a jealous person and your boyfriend is a flirt. What part of this combination reads “and they lived happily ever after?” Worry less about your boyfriend leaving you for his ex and more about what ANY man must say or do to make you feel more secure in your relationship. First, don’t date men who flirt! If that’s who he was before he met you and/or that’s what he did to get you, don’t assume he’ll stop just because you two are together. Recognize that this is a problem for YOU, not him. Second, don’t blame the ex. She’s not your friend; she doesn’t owe you respect. Factoring her into the equation just gives you an excuse for not seeing that you made a mistake picking a flirt to date. Should you break up with him? That depends. If he is flirting just to push your buttons, dump him. If that’s just who he is but he treats you well and has MANY other good qualities, enjoy what you have together for as long as it lasts.  Dr. K

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Featured topic: CRAPPY FRIENDS

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,                                                                                                                  My current roommate and I have been extremely good friends for 4 years and are neighbors back home. This is the first year, however, that we have been roommates. Nearing the end of the year, I’ve become extremely bothered and offended by some of her comments. (I have noticed them before we were roommates, but they were always said in a joking matter and not as often, so I kind of just brushed it off, not trying to make a big deal out of things). Tonight went too far as she made several rude comments about how one of my good high school friends (who she knows) wasn’t pretty and “it was by magic how she has the hot boyfriend she has now”.

Her rude comments about people are shallow and quite frankly, I’m almost embarrassed to be her friend. It’s not fair and not nice to judge people by the way they look or how much money they got. Despite her comments, she has been a really good friend to me, but I think it’s time for change. Should I try to address the situation and tell her this bothers me? Or is this something beyond repair (not an overnight fix) and should I slowly let go of the friendship?  Anonymous

Anonymous                                                                                                             What you decide to do depends on how much you need your roommate to be your friend and how well she fulfills your friendship expectations. Let’s talk about needing her first. Do you have other close friendship options? Do you enjoy spending time with those people as much or more than your roommate? If you were not friends with her, could you meet your roommate needs (shared rent or maintenance) with another person? Will you hate yourself for ending a 4 year friendship over this? If your answers are yes, yes, yes and no; dump her. Now, let’s talk about your expectations. Most of us view friends as people who make us feel good about ourselves, who are willing to do favors for us, who are loyal and trustworthy, and who have common interests/compatible personalities. Your roommate sounds like an envious, possessive bully. She says offensive things to you because you let her–that is, she knows you won’t do anything about it. If you want to try to fix her, be my guest. I would walk away … FAST. You’ve already suffered 4 years of this.  Dr. K


Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K, I recently was dumped by my girlfriend of two years. I’m a sophomore, and she is a senior here at UNCW. Everything was great until her senior year, when things just kind of disintegrated and I’m not sure why. It’s been eight months since we’ve broken up, and I got on Facebook two months ago only to see that she is now dating a new guy, a senior here on campus. Needless to say my ego has been really hurt by this, and my game with the ladies has been terrible since I was dumped. I was wondering if their was any suggestions on some Self image management techniques I could use to make myself more desirable to the women of UNCW. I really need to find a new girl so I can get over my ex, I just need a jumpstart on how to improve my image. You’re the best Dr. K!! Thanks so much.

Wow. “Dr. K, can you help me find a rebound relationship?” “Dr. K, can you give me advice on how to find a nice girl to date until I feel better about myself and then throw away?” “Dr. K, what can I do to make my ex regret dumping me?” Am I getting warm yet? Dude, if I gave you a straight answer to any one of those questions, I’d have to turn in my Girl Card. You don’t need a new girl to help you get over the old girlfriend. You just need to get over your ex–alone. Needing a girl to validate yourself is different from having a girl who validates you. The former reeks of desperate and broken whereas the latter smells like healthy relationship. Take some time alone to hang out with your guy friends and remember what it’s like to be a cool single guy. If you need female companionship, pick up a few barflies who are as disinterested in a committed relationship with you as you are in one with them. Once you reclaim your comfort with whom you use to be, your mojo will come back and committed relationship material will come your way.  Dr. K


Not long into the Supreme Court arguments Tuesday [March 27, 2013] in Hollingsworth v. Perry, Justice Elena Kagan put her finger on the implausibility of the central constitutional argument made by the lawyers defending California’s Proposition 8, which defines marriage as between a man and a woman. In reading the briefs, she said, she was struck that the “principal argument” of gay-marriage opponents is that “the State’s principal interest in marriage is in regulating procreation.” She then offered a hypothetical. “Suppose a State said that, ‘Because we think that the focus of marriage really should be on procreation, we are not going to give marriage licenses anymore to any couple where both people are over the age of 55.’ Would that be constitutional?”

Here was the response by the lawyer for Proposition 8 supporters, Charles Cooper:

“[S]ociety’s interest in responsible procreation isn’t just with respect to the procreative capacities of the couple itself. The marital norm, which imposes the obligations of fidelity and monogamy, Your Honor, advances the interests in responsible procreation by making it more likely that neither party, including the fertile party to that … marriage will engage in irresponsible procreative conduct outside of that marriage. Outside of that marriage. That’s the marital—that’s the marital norm.”

In other words, if the Court does decide the Perry case on the merits, it will come down to this claim: Because only straight people can impulsively and accidentally have illegitimate children out of wedlock, they need a stable institution of marriage to discourage them from doing so and to force them to focus on the consequences of their animalistic passions. But as Justice Kagan noted, the idea that denying marriage equality to gay couples would encourage monogamy and responsible procreation by straight couples is hard to follow, let alone to fathom.

New Republic

Featured topic: NICE GUY BACKLASH

Featured topic: SENSITIVE ISSUES

This question really stumped me.  If you have a better reply, please submit a comment.

Over the past couple of years, my mom has become obsessed with the Tea Party and gun ownership, blending it in with patriotism, highly conservative ideals, and religion. One of the main ways we used to communicate was on Facebook, so I noticed a lot of “extreme” ideologies being put forth there over the last year. She began getting into religious debates and deleting anyone who didn’t agree with her. She began condemning homosexuals and “liking” hate groups that promote intolerance against them, even though my cousin is transgendered and they often communicated on Facebook. Then she began deleting relatives, including me,(her daughter), and my cousin due to disagreements about religion and politics. A few months ago, I found her again on Facebook. She had created a new page and it was all about promoting religion, unwavering faith in god, guns, the tea party, and the united states. Only friends whom shared these beliefs were added. I did not send a request, but I noticed she was subscribed to my sister, who shares her beliefs. I wouldn’t be so worried if it hadn’t gone beyond Facebook. On Christmas I sent her a gift and card but never heard anything back. She knows my financial situation is not good so it was not easy for me to do this. My two children also did not hear from her this Christmas, which is a first.
Recently I tried to contact her via email to see how she was doing. Although she insisted on not talking about it, our conversation got no further than religion or my lack of it. She kept indicating that she’d embrace me with joy on the day that I became “born again”. From what I can understand, there was no desire to resume contact with me until I see things her way. I expressed to her that I was worried about her taking religion to an extreme level and she became very offended, proceeding to point out to me why I was the one mentally ill, not her. Every email she sent me back contained quoted bible verses about how families will become enemies because of a belief in God, or how one who believes in God will not be deceived by new age ideas (she was referring to me here). I don’t really know what I should do at this point. This was a few days ago. Should I try to contact her again? Maybe just send a birthday card next month? I was hoping I would be able to convince her to talk to a professional, but apparently she thinks she’s fine and will only accuse me of being “sick” if I suggest it again.  Sahaaya

I’ve been trying to come up with an academic response to your question rather than a gut reaction. It sounds like your mother has adopted views that she wants confirmed by the people around her. This is not unusual–most of us seek the company of like minded others. The problem here is that you do not share her views and she is trying to force you to adopt them. Notice that I said force and not persuade. She is using every manipulative trick in the book to break you down and that is uncool. I am not one to offer advice about how to sever ties with family members, but I don’t think it’s proper to condone suffering emotional abuse from them either. Therefore, you may need to love your mother from afar for a while. You need to accept that your mother is not crazy and you cannot separate her from her new beliefs and values. Avoid contact with her until you are feeling less vulnerable to her criticism and rejection. If you want to know if she’s okay or becoming less committed to her extreme views, check her comments and posts on facebook. Once your mom’s neophyte fever has died down some, start having conversations. Ask her why she feels the way she does about guns, politics, gays and religion. Don’t challenge or judge her. Just get her to explain what persuaded her to adopt those views and how they influence her everyday living. GO SLOWLY. The goal should be to understand your mom and relate to her within the context of her beliefs without adopting or rejecting them. This will take time and it won’t be easy. But if you want a relationship with her, breaking ties and forming new ties may be your best bet.  Dr. K

Featured topic: MESSY ROOMMATES

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K, I am so frustrated! In our apartment, myself and two of my roommates seem to follow the rules we set for our apartment at the beginning of the year well and get along fine. Our other roommate, however, fails to adhere to our apartment rules. First semester, this roommate has constantly kept the kitchen dirty. Food is always left on the counter, her dishes are left in the sink until they can’t pile up anymore, and she never helps to take the trash out. We have had several meetings to calmly discuss our opinions and have been considerably lenient towards her, but her habits haven’t changed. We are good friends, so I feel as though she doesn’t take any of us seriously. But I am not her mother, I refuse to clean up anymore of her mess!  The Tired Maid

Dear Tired Maid
You may not be your roommate’s mother, but it looks like you don’t mind being liked by someone who does not respect you. You sat down with your roommies and made an agreement about the rules of the house. You all have had several meetings to calmly discuss opinions about your piggy friend breaking the rules. You and two roommates have even cleaned up behind Ms. Piggy. What are you expecting me to say? This is not hard. You’ve done everything that constitutes appropriate small group behavior. Stop enabling–kick her lazy, piggy ass out! She’s not your friend, so don’t sweat hurting her feelings or inconveniencing her. By BLATANTLY ignoring the rules of the house, Ms. Piggy has demonstrated that she does not care about you as a friend, your feelings or inconveniencing everybody that she lives with. Let her care about finding somewhere else to live. You can be nice and let her know face-to-face that she has until the end of the month to move out or you can change the locks, pack up her crap and leave it outside tonight. Just make sure that she knows the decision is final. Don’t kick her out until she “learns her lesson.” You’re not her mother remember? It’s not your job to teach her anything. Make sure you cover your behind, however. Go to the apartment manager’s office and make sure that the lease allows you all to cleanly break ties.  Dr. K

Featured topic: “HE WON’T TALK”

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K, my father is the kinda guy that is anti-social. My mother moved out last year, said that house we lived in made her sick and my dad said he wasn’t moving, so she moved on her own and I stayed with my dad because my mom didn’t have steady transportation and I needed to get to school. She spent last christmas by herself and this christmas, I was already living her and my dad came up.

My dad doesn’t like to talk much but when he does, you need to listen because he’s not just gonna strike up another conversation just like that. So I asked him, If my mother spoke to him since he’s been up here? and he said no. I’ve seen that she’s spoken more to her brother who lives upstairs than my dad who just came up for the christmas. This made him upset and he stopped talking completely. I tried to talk to her about it, and she got upset with me, saying she shouldn’t have to make my father talk. I sometimes agree with her but that’s just how he is and he’s not going to change.

My dad is angry with her and I don’t know why she can’t see that? He came up here and now he’s not talking to her and he went back home this morning. When my dad is upset he doesn’t talk but I get him to talk, even if it’s just for a couple minutes.

Sometimes I feel their marrige is in trouble but none of them believe in divorce so then I’m like okay. But they already live apart. They were together a long time before they got married I think 18 years and they’ve been married for 11. I’m thinking that my mother should know how my dad operates by now? But I guess not, all she says is that she’s not going to make a grown man talk and I understand that. Since he’s been up here, he’s only really spoken to me and I was sick for the holiday and I was losing my voice.

What I’m asking is ” shouldn’t my mother make more of an effort to speak to my dad, even though he’s anti-social?” (This is how he’s always been, this isn’t new behaviour) I think he’s still angry with her “sometimes” for moving out, but then at other times he’s okay.  Sapphire

I apologize for taking so long to respond to your question, but I needed time to think about what I wanted to say. Do I think your mom should try harder to get your dad to talk? No. Your dad is an adult who entered into a legally and spiritually binding relationship with your mother. He needs to hold up his end of the partnership. It is not your mom’s exclusive job to maintain their marriage and it will not be “all her fault” if it falls apart. Moving out of the house probably was her signal that she had tried enough. Your parents have known each other for almost 30 years. They had a long relational life before you were born–a life you only know through the stories they have CHOSEN to tell you. You don’t know what kind of people they were when they met nor how much they have changed since then. You have no idea how many unmet expectations have been experienced nor the extent of the resentments they’ve inspired. I am certain that this demand-withdrawal dance has been performed MANY times between your mom and dad and that both of them are sick of it. I cannot advise them to do anything because they have to want to find a way back to each other first. But I do have advise for you. STAY OUT OF IT. It is not your job to mediate your parents’ marriage. Don’t try and don’t take sides–for your own sanity. Just love each one separately and make the most of the time you spend with them.  Dr. K


How many of you have vowed to lose weight, or eat better, or work smarter, or spend more time with family on New Year’s Eve?  And how many of you have lost most of that resolve by MLK Day?  Here’s a suggestion that turns a vice into a virtue.  If you’re like me, you give and get alot of gift cards because you are too lazy to shop.  And most of the time you end up with $1-4 on that card that you cannot spend.  Whenever you find yourself in that situation, go to Gift Card Giver and donate your leftovers to someone in need.  It’s the easiest way to give while you are getting the whole year through.

Happy New Year everybody!!



image001 (1)


Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr K. My boyfriend and I have been together for the last 3 years. Facebook official for the last 2. However, since I graduated I haven’t been able to really maintain my page and be active on the site due to my schedule. I only visit the site once or twice a month.  My boyfriend is always on there and is very “social.” I noticed that he never post things about me or our relationship. I want to check his page to see if he is involved with someone and I want to continue adding his friends that are girls so I can see if they write each other on Facebook. But, should I increase my Facebook use to see what he is doing?  Should I be worried about our relationship?  Confused Gal

Confused Gal,
No offense, but I’m a fan of worrying about the happenings in my real world not my virtual world. Has your boyfriend done anything in the real world to concern you? Have you two stopped going out in public as a couple? Do his friends seem surprised to see you with him? If the answer to those questions is no, then I wouldn’t worry about what he does online. Online surveillance is a last resort–something that you do when you cannot get answers to your questions offline. Besides, you haven’t been a friend of facebook for over at least a year. Why do you care what he posts on his page? If his online behavior isn’t taking “together time” away from the relationship, I wouldn’t let it bother me.  Dr. K

Featured topic: Lying

Let’s get to your questions ….

My husband and I have been together for six years so I feel like I know him very well. But, I have this gut feeling that something is wrong and I am worried that he is lying to me. He used to come home right after work and help me around the house with chores or dinner, but he has been coming home a couple of hours later than usual. When I ask him where he has been, he makes up elaborate stories, avoids eye contact by staring at the ground or looking around the room, and he always uses the same excuses when he is out late. The excuse is that he was just out with his buddies (followed by an elaborate story about his night or day) Sometimes he stutters and it makes me wonder if he is lying to me. When I start asking him questions, he leaves the room, changes the subject, or tells me everything is fine and that I should not worry. I don’t know if things are really “fine” or whether he is hiding something from me. Does it sound like he is lying or is this just a bump in the road for our marriage?  Bump in the Road

Dear Bump in the Road
After six years of marriage, I would hope that you’d know when/if your husband is lying to you. I am certain that in all of the time you’ve known each other, he has displayed similar behavior (but to a lesser degree) and you have discovered that he was hiding something. I think you want me to tell you if your husband is hiding something that should worry you. The answer is “yes, it should concern you very much.” Your husband is going to A LOT of trouble to conceal something, but I cannot say if it is something that just effects him or something that effects your relationship. The elaborate stories are an indication that he may want to get caught because it’s hard to keep those lies straight. If I were you, I would do two things. First I would decide if I really needed to know the truth. Not “I’m nosy and want to know the truth,” but “can I handle something BAD?” Second, if I decided that I needed to know, I would do some detective work. That means checking cell phone messages and appointments. And, dropping by his job during quitting time (SURPRISE!) and asking questions. If your husband wants to get caught, he will welcome the intrusion. If not, prepare yourself for something worse than BAD.  Dr. K

Featured topic: COWORKER DRAMA

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr.K,
I am the lead advisor for an advertising company. It has come to my attention that one of my employees has undermined my authority and tried to close an account on off duty hours without my clearance. In order to make me look bad and possibly get me fired. When I confronted this employee about the situation he admitted to his actions, and this led to an intense argument. After our debate, I had no choice but to fire him. He stormed off and started throwing things against the wall. Later that day my CEO rehired the employee I fired because his family is well-known in society and could potentially hurt the company’s business. How do I continue working with this employee, who’s hotheaded and uses underhanded tactics when dealing with potential cliental in order to make me look bad? Disgruntled Employee

Disgruntled Employee
If I were you, I’d think about finding somewhere else to work. You’ve got a subordinate who doesn’t respect company values or your authority and a boss who does not have your back. Your client’s will see this and lose confidence in you and your company as well. Sure, I could run thru ways to communicate with the hotheaded employee more effectively. And I could present you with arguments to share with the CEO that might persuade him to let the hothead go. But the hothead is in the catbird’s seat and has no incentive to change. Either the hothead would discredit you to the point of irrelevance or the CEO would begin to see you as the problem and let you go. In the final analysis, your boss and your subordinate are not your close friends, lovers or family. These are professional relationships, yet I don’t see anyone behaving professionally. Save your reputation and find another job.  Dr. K

Featured topic: FRIENDSHIP

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,
I have a best male friend that I have grown very close to over the past 10 years. I was always unsure about his sexual preference because of his somewhat feminine personality and our lack of sexual attraction. Over the span of our friendship, I have seen him date other girls, but the relationships never lasted longer than a couple weeks or months. Recently, I introduced him to one of my close girl friends and they have been hanging out and flirting with one another. They’ve been spending more time together than I have with either of them. At first, I didn’t think anything of it, but he came to me the other day asking if she had said anything about him, and told me he had feelings for her. He even said that they almost hooked up one night after the bar. Since he told me that, I’ve been feeling extremely jealous and I don’t know why. I’ve never considered myself to be attracted to him, but can’t seem to get their relationship off of my mind. I thought about talking to my girl friend about it, but don’t know what to say because I don’t know what I’m feeling. Is this a romantic attraction or am I just being a jealous friend?  The Girl Friend

Dear Girl Friend
Don’t worry–you’re just being a jealous friend. Jealousy is a fear of losing something that you have. In this case, you are afraid of losing that close, special, almost exclusive friendship bond–in stereo. Research indicates that women feel more threatened by a rival for an emotional attachment than a rival for a sexual attachment. Given that romantic relationships have never gotten in the way of hang out time with your guy friend in the past, you don’t know what it feels like to compete for his time/concern/caring. You don’t need to talk to your girl friend or your guy friend about this. You need to be happy for the two of them, support their decisions about the relationship, keep confidences when necessary, and reconnect with other friends and family.  Dr. K

Featured topic: SIBLING RIVALRY

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,
Just recently my little sister graduated from college, and has started working at her dream job at the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill. To add onto all of those recent events, her boyfriend of three years proposed to her this past weekend. While I know I’m supposed to be happy for her, I’m not so sure I’m feeling that way. You see, I’m quickly approaching 30 years old and am just now getting an idea of what I want to do with my life. For the past 7 years I have been in and out of jobs, moving from town to town, lacking any stability whatsoever. Meanwhile my sister seems to have her life planned out at 22 years old. My sister and I have always had a close relationship (we talk every single day on the phone), but now this has added on unnecessary tension between us two simply because I assumed that I would be the first to get married and have my life settled. I have found that this has caused me to distance myself from my sister and not want to be around her. The constant discussion of wedding plans lately has made me feel inadequate in comparison to her life, even though I pretend like it does not bother me. I also worry how others (specifically my parents) will compare me to my sister. Is it normal for me to be upset about this? How do I get over this envy that I am feeling?  Never First, Always Last

Dear Never First, Always Last
I am slightly perplexed that you are suddenly concerned about your status in your family relative to your little sister. FOR 7 YEARS your sister has been achieving her goals (i.e., doing well in high school, graduating from high school, being accepted into a good college, making good grades and appropriate choices while attending college, getting into a stable romantic relationship, graduating from college, getting engaged to a “good guy,” and landing her dream job) while you have been … drifting. During that time, you and your sister have had regular contact and healthy interactions, and your parents seemed to love, support and regard both of you equally. It’s not your sister’s fault that you haven’t been able to get your life together so don’t make her a scapegoat for the reality of your inadequacies. And if your parents haven’t said anything to you about your laxidasical efforts toward personal improvement for 7 years, consider it a gift and an omen of things to come. Look, I think you need to get your life on some path toward stability and growth, and I’m glad that your little sister’s recent achievements gave you the proverbial kick in the pants. Just recognize things for what they are. Your family wants you to be a part of this happy event–no strings attached. Don’t assume drama where none exists.  Dr. K

Featured topic: “BEST FRIENDS”

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dr. K,

I have a best friend whom I’ve known since I was a little girl. Even though we did not live in the same town, we always did a lot of things together, being that our families were extremely close. Her father recently took a new job which allowed her to move closer to me and now she attends my high school. At first I thought it would be really exciting to finally have my best friend in my daily routine at school, but recently I’ve been feeling a bit suffocated by her. She has started becoming involved in every extracurricular activity I am in and hasn’t attempted to make any friends of her own. She relies on me to provide her a social life, which involves only hanging out with my closest friends. I understand that she is new to my school and doesn’t know anyone other than myself, but she isn’t exactly making an effort to establish a life of her own there, and it’s started to annoy me. The friends I have at this school have always been separate from her and it bothers me how she automatically assumes that these will be her main group of friends as well. Is it wrong that I am bothered by this so much? What should I say to her that will get my point across but, at the same time, not ruin our friendship?  Miss Independent

Dear Miss Independent
I think you don’t understand the meaning of the term “best friend.” A “best friend” is someone that you enjoy spending all of your time hanging around, not someone that you pay attention to when it’s convenient for you. And I can imagine how worried you are about ruining this friendship because it’s easier to send text messages to someone on Facebook when you are bored and call her “best friend” than it is to make face time for that person in your real life. You need to be a little less selfish. It’s not like your best friend is pulling you away from activities that you like or friends that normally spend time with you. She’s making the sacrifices–not you. If she’s really your “best friend,” why aren’t you introducing her to the things that she likes in this new locale (you know, the stuff that she filled her life with while she was a zillion miles out-of-sight-and-out-of-mind)? And, why don’t you want to do the stuff that you use to do WAY back when the two of you “always did a lot of things together?” If you’ve decided that your close friends and life with them are more important than your “best friend,” tell her that. Tell her that you still want to be Facebook friends, but it would be better if she resumed enjoying what she likes to do. Seriously, you can’t keep a “best friend” at arms length–closeness requires spending time together and liking it. If you’re more comfortable with a separate life, tell her that and let her move on.  Dr. K


Let’s get to your questions ….

I met a girl last weekend. She gave me her number and we set up a date. I told her a lot about my family and friends and life back home. We’re on our third date now and I feel like I’m telling a lot about myself, and she doesn’t really add a lot to the conversation. I ask her questions to get her to talk and she gives vague and minimal responses. The strange thing is she set up another “date” with me this weekend. We are still in the “getting to know you phase,” but how can I get to know her if the only place I learn anything about her is from Facebook? Should I cut my losses and realize that I’m being friend-zoned?  Seriously confused

OK Seriously Confused
There’s a lot going on here. I don’t think you are being friend zoned for two reasons. First, she asked you to commit to another date. A girl who is not interested doesn’t do that. Second, she asked you out for the THIRD DATE. Third dates are generally events that mark the beginning of a romantic relationship because it’s okay for something physical to happen during one–i.e., first sex or first deep kiss. She is auditioning you. Your initiative and willingness to share your life story during the previous dates let her know that you are into her–that she has “passed your test.” Now she wants to see if you are going to “pass” hers. Part of that test is seeing how you handle ambiguity–that is, do you know what to do without her spelling it out for you? She’s waiting for you to do something unexpected that will appeal to her and justify “bumping uglies” with you later on. Stop focusing on how much she talks and concentrate on what she has said and done. Has she laughed, smiled or positively commented on anything that you have shared with her? If so, that is information to build on and extrapolate from. Remember one thing … if your third date results in sex and she remains closed off afterward, she’s trying to keep you off balance to maintain your interest. If she’s not worth that investment, cut her loose.  Dr. K

Featured topic: ONLINE DATING

Let’s get to your questions ….

Dear Dr. K,

I just started an online account with I’m a really shy person so I thought it would be easier for me to meet people online but I do not want my friends finding out and thinking I am desperate. I am also scared that the people I meet on are not really who they say they are or are telling me extravagent lies about themselves. I am also scared that my profile could potentially have too much information about myself on it and I am not ready, considering I just created my profile, to start meeting people in person so I do not want them to know where I live or where I go in my free time. I also am worried about running into someone from in my everyday life. Since I have so many concerns, do you think I should continue online dating? Am I being too paranoid?? Should I just keep trying to meet someone the old fashion way?? HELP!  Doubtful Dater

Dear Doubtful Dater
YES, you are too fearful for online dating with Try Facebook. If you are interested in a classmate or someone local, find out that person’s name and look him/her up or do a general search by location and read profiles until you find someone interesting. If it’s a classmate, do a little recon before you send a friend request. Watch him/her in class; notice whom he/she talks to; ask common friends to vouch for his/her character. DON’T ACTUALLY STALK YOUR TARGET. All you want to do is find out if this is someone you want to meet. If you’d rather deal with someone locally, send a friend request and chat for a while. Sure, you could be catfished. But that’s the risk you take when you date online or in person. The burden is always on you to find out enough about someone to feel safe dating him/her.  Dr. K