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Ask Dr. K 
Dear Dr.K,
I’m a senior in college and have been dating someone long distance for six months. We met in my college town in North Carolina, but he lives in Florida. He’s 27, so he already has an established career and runs his own business. Because of this, he plans on living there for the foreseeable future. He asked me if I would be open to moving to Florida and living with him after I graduate, and I’m not sure. My original plan was to move home after graduation and look for a job or internship there. However, several work opportunities have come up in recent months that are near him and interest me. Ideally, I would only consider living with someone if I knew it was a step that would eventually lead to marriage, but moving could be advantageous for both my work interests and our relationship. Living together would also be financially beneficial since his house was bought in full, so living with him would not require splitting rent. Though moving would be a risk, navigating our relationship without distance is important for us to do before we commit to being together long term. Living together would provide that opportunity without the stress of finding and paying for a place to live. I know that he takes the relationship seriously and that he’s looking to settle down, but it is still new. Is it too soon to consider living with him, or is it possibly a proper step for strengthening the relationship? If it’s too soon, I would like advice on what I should do.
From,
Am I too hopeful?
Dear Am I Too Hopeful?
Have you talked to your parents about this? I think you are old enough to make decisions for yourself, but if this has the potential to be a long term relationship, you may want their input. Especially if long term means marriage because that means he is joining your family. In the absence of your parents’ opinions, I don’t feel comfortable with you moving in with him now. The relationship is too new and the living situation is too uneven to be stable.
First, you’ve only known each other for six months and that has been mostly long distance. Have you met each other’s family? Do you like each other’s close friends? Do you know each other’s pet peeves? Have you guys really talked about what living together means to your relationship right now? Is it a getting to know each other better activity, playing house or trial marriage? Second, adjusting to a new boyfriend, a new location and a new job at the same time is a recipe for disaster. The last thing in the world that I would want to do is depend on someone I do not know well for my housing and financial well being at 22 when moving to a new city and looking for a job.
My advice is to visit him for the summer and see how it goes. During this time you can learn what it is like to live in this older man’s world, talk about your relationship expectations, talk about your shared financial obligations and interview for jobs. This is not playtime–use this visit as a low stakes way to figure out important things. Pay attention to red flags! If the visit works and your parents will support you, make plans to move in. If it does not, walk away friends. Not everything wonderful now is meant to be forever.
Dear Dr. K,
Me and my boyfriend of three years are planning on moving in together next summer but as we get closer to the date he still has not told his mom. Now my boyfriend and his mother have a very close relationship, he is the favorite and everyone knows. He sees her every single week and when we first started dating she even made the joke that we need to make sure we stay right down the street from her. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal but the last time we went to see his mom he made sure to tell me not to mention that we are moving in together yet. I know he is worried about upsetting her but is there something more I should be worried about?
YES! First, you should be worried about the fact that your boyfriend would rather keep the status of your relationship a secret than upset his mother. What else is he keeping secret? His mom knows that you exist. Is he afraid that she won’t approve of the relationship moving forward? If so, will he break up with you to keep her happy? Third parties can rip your relationship apart. The fact that your boyfriend is concerned about how his mother’s mood affects your relationship is a problem and you are taking her potential for meddling and influencing your boyfriend’s behavior too lightly. Second, I’m not sure if you and your boyfriend are on the same page about why you are living together. If this is just a glorified roommate/playing house situation and both of you see it that way, the stakes are not high enough to care what mom thinks and feels. If both of you see this as trial marriage, get engaged to solidify your commitment. Then, tell your fiance to put his big boy shorts on and tell his mom that she will become #2 in his life soon. And, when you move in together, set up house FAR away from mom!
Dear Dr. K,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two and a half years. Here recently, he has been acting suspicious. I have a gut feeling he might be cheating on me. We are very open about our social media presence and we do post about one another, but we do not overshare our relationship on social media. I have been noticing that he has been receiving more and more instagram notifications, as well as texts and calls from unsaved numbers. He says they are classmates for group projects but why would group members and classmates text him at 12:30-1AM? I’ve also noticed he has gained more female followers, which is fine, but it doesn’t help my suspicions go away. The main thing I am upset about is I saw he has been in contact with his ex girlfriend via Snapchat/Instagram. I’ve expressed to him before that this happened before in my last relationship and how upset/uncomfortable it made me feel. I guess you can say I feel betrayed and I am completely lost. What should I do?
Dear Betrayed and Confused
What you should do depends on what you want to do. Do you want to stay in the relationship as it is or leave it? Do you want your boyfriend to reassure you more regularly that he is being faithful to you or just act less suspiciously? Do you want to stop being a jealous person or stop being a victim? My first suggestion to you is be honest with yourself about what is okay and not okay in your relationship. Don’t be okay with your boyfriend gaining female followers if late night texts bother you. Don’t be okay with being open on social media if talking to an ex on social media upsets you. Don’t say you feel betrayed when you are just feeling insecure. Second, talk to your boyfriend about his “betrayal.” Don’t confront him–talk to him. Do you really want him to cut himself off from ALL women or just pay more attention to you? Be prepared for the “I’m not sleeping with anybody else” counterargument. Then help him understand that, TO YOU, being cheated on feels the same as being ignored/taken for granted.
Dear Dr. K,
As a college student I use dating apps and even though there are sometimes writing prompts or interests one can put in their biography I feel like the information is still somewhat brief. I try to avoid clicking on their linked social media and “instagram/facebook stalk” them but sometimes that is the only way to gain any information about them. Are there better ways to find out more about these potential partners? Are there specific approaches to take when getting a “match” that would yield a deeper more personal conversation through the non-personal medium of a phone or the internet? Or is it better to just pack it up and focus on meeting someone face to face to achieve that sort of conversation/connection?
Dear Dating App Dan
I am not surprised that “Swipe Left/Swipe Right” is not meeting your needs. Perhaps that is because you are not sure what you “need” to make a match or a connection. Sure, you can Instagram/Facebook stalk your potential partner, but (as you know) facts can only tell you so much. If you need to know if you are compatible with someone, pick a platform where your matches are based on compatibility tests. If you need to know if you and your match have a connection–if there is a spark between you two–I would suggest face to face encounters where facial expressions and touch matter.
Dear Dr.K,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. We both work at the same place and up until now we have been in the same position. Dave (my boyfriend) recently got promoted to assistant manager. Dave and I have decided that we will keep work and our relationship separate but I don’t want that to effect the communication we have in our relationship. Normally when we come home we talk about problems at work openly, I’m afraid now that he is an assistant manager that he will take these conversations as criticism instead of us just talking about our day. How can I insure that we keep our relationship strong without letting work problems interfere with it?
Promotion Time
Dear Promotion Time
You’ve not given me much information to answer your question, but I will try to give you something to mull. Clearly, you view the nightly bitch session with your boyfriend as a bonding activity. And, you see his promotion as something that might interfere with that activity. Why? Is your boyfriend your immediate supervisor? Were most of your previous conversations about the incompetence of your immediate supervisor? Do you two have loyalty issues? Do you expect him to side with you in conflict situations at work and vice versa? My guess is that you two used to complain about specific work policies and/or coworker and now it’s HIS job to uphold those policies and/or help that coworker. If you want to stay close, change the routine and talk about something else. Your relationship is about more than your jobs. Explore more of it with him.